Those who met their DP and had kids late 30s/early 40s- what was your timeline for buying together, marriage and kids?

[Sundaycoffee]

I'm 38 and have been with my partner for 6 months. Very early days but it's going well and we want the same things (marriage, kids etc)
Becoming slightly overwhelmed at how quickly we might have to move if we do want to TTC at any point.
We both own our own flats and even the thought of buying together seems like something we shouldn't be considering for a while due to the obvious risks but equally neither of us have space for the other in our places (both 1 bed flats).
Would we both need to sell up and rent together first for a bit or at this age is it normal/appropriate to buy together sooner rather than later if you are also wanting to get married and have a baby? Should a baby come before buying a property together?
What would my ideal scenario be in this circumstance?

Def rent your own places out and rent together - will be a pain getting consent to let - but def most risk free option - unless you’re sure you can’t squeeze into one of the flats?

I’d suggest you move into one of the places and rent the other out. I’d do it ASAP to be honest as I think you really need to live together for at least a year before you go for marriage/kids. Once you’ve done that and established you enjoy living together/are a good couple you can simultaneously TTC/get married/buy a new, bigger place.

I know you want a DC and time is getting on but you've only been together a very short while Op, in your place I wouldn't be committing to buying together until you've actually lived together. I know you're in a hurry but you really don't know someone until you've lived with them and buying together and having a DC immediately could be a big mistake. If you're worried then both get your fertility tested then you may have more options

Totally agree. Time just feels so against us for it all.
At the moment we spend Wednesday night to Monday morning together at his and it works well but appreciate actually living together is totally different.
Renting out our flats are maybe the best way to go. It just feels like such a slog having to go through the process of changing to a buy to let mortgage, finding tenants etc a new place for us both to rent and do the whole move, just for a year to then change it all up again if we then wanted to buy. Even if I did move into his place (slightly bigger) and only rent out mine,I would have a pretty horrendous commute into work too of a 2 hour drive 3 days a week (each way).
It is such early days but we are discussing our future and what it may look like and it all just feels pretty overwhelming on how we would make it work on paper!

I don't mean this to sound rude @Sundaycoffee but ask yourself, if you didn't feel time was running out on having a DC would you feel the need for this mad rush to cement your relationship? If you're mad for the boy then go for it, if you'd normally take a bit more time to commit then don't feel the need to rush in. I see quite a few posts on MN where women got to mid 30's, were desperate to find a man to start a family with, find a man who "would do" but once they have a baby they look at him a bit more clearly and don't like what they see. I'd like you not to be one of them, for your sake and the babies

How old is your guy? Unfortunately unless he is in his mid 40ies, clock are not ticking for him as loud as for you.
Regarding your question. An older sister of a friend of mine met a guy around your age, 3 months in they moved together. Got married within a year and tried for a baby at the same time. 10 years later they are still together with 2 kids. Don't be afraid to rush, if it is meant to be it will be. I would say move together now in one of your properties and keep other (don't rent out). See how you get along first 3-6 months living together, if all good, I would start trying for kids and getting engaged.
The more important thing is that your guy should be on the same wave as you. Men are usually not in rush.

If you spend enough time on the Relationship board the most important issue is protecting your finances if you are not married ESPECIALLY if you have a child.

So I would counsel no babies before marriage and if the baby comes first, no babies without either a) a clear willingness on your part to go it alone or b) agreement on him paying his 50% of childcare so you can return to work after your [hopefully] enhanced mat leave ends.

Is he going to take parental leave and share the maternity year?
How will your relationship work when you have a child ?
Does he significantly out-earn you or vice versa? How will you both manage your finances?

I would not rent out either flat. You could split the week together or do week on, week off in either location. You need to figure out fast whether you're properly compatible. eg: how are you both going to treat each other at the end of a bitchingly long day's commute. How receptive are you both to splitting that distance if you need a perm location and the same job. How will it work with childcare pick ups and drop offs if you are both an hour's drive to work?

Got together July 2018, moved in together April 2019, engaged August 2019, married March 2020, baby December 2020. So 2.5 years from meeting to baby.

Definitely live together! Look at all the posts on here where a seemingly wonderful man turns into a lazy arse when a house, marriage, and children come along. I met my husband later, we bought a house together straight away as we were both renting (probably would feel the need if we both owned). We had a shared bank account that all our wages went into, we earned pretty much the same, he did more than 50% of the housework. Everything felt equal. We got married and had a baby and it’s still the same. Everything is shared, everything is fair, we respect each other and have to say life is pretty perfect. I’m glad I waited.

You don't need to sell yet. You can live in a 1 bed flat together if you either declutter, rent storage, or don't let out your flat and store things there. Buying a house with someone's you hardly know is risky. Even if you have a baby before moving, they don't need much space to begin with.

Met age 35 and 10 months
Moved in age 36 and 5 months
TTC 37 and 4 months
First pregnancy 37 8 months
Married 38 and 8 months
Second Pregnancy 39 and 8 months
Third pregnancy 41 and 5 months

Now 44 and 11 months and still together. Get a fertility check now. Come of hormonal contraception and track your cycles using basal temping bbt.

We moved FAST too. I was 38.

We were both on the same page and knew we got on well, laughed a lot and would make a great team.

He moved in within a few months. Engaged after six months when we started to TTC, married within two years. Now married over 15 years with two kids. I did keep my financial independence though.

No regrets.

Bit earlier than you... I met my husband at 33. We moved in together a year later (I rented my flat out and moved in with him). Started trying for a baby at that point. Engaged 6 months later, married 8 months after that. So from meeting to marriage - slightly over 2 years. It took me a long time to get pregnant and we had to do IVF. Had three kids when I was 36, 38 and 42.
Good luck!

I moved in with dh 5 months after we met in person, admittedly it was accidental, covid lockdown! But we are now married. Bought a house together after a year.

Sometimes you just know it's right

If you can’t imagine life without children then start trying for them now, as in tonight. I got hit with secondary infertility about 38 and it was devastating. I don’t want to sound unkind or be a panic merchant but when you’re on IVF at that age every single month counts. All the sensible financial planning in the world won’t make up for endless ivf bills plus fertility acupuncture plus whatever else the latest thing is that you swore you’d never be desperate enough to try but now you’d pay double for etc

We got together August 2018. Moved in together February 2019. Bought our house October 2019 had eldest March 2021. However we had known each other for 10 years before we got together so already knew each other well before we started dating.

@Happyinarcon So sorry to hear that.

I wish you much healing for the grief you have experienced.

Moved together two months after meeting, married in half a year, the baby in 1.5 years after meeting each other, house in two years.
Happy, no regrets.

Just go for it, you have nothing to lose, only gain.

Got together when we were both 36, living together 37 and DDog arrived, followed by DD1 at 39 then DD2 at 43. Married at 45. We're celebrating 15 years together and very happy. Good luck OP x

Got together then moved in quite quickly at 36 (me) and 31 (him). I had a house and he didn't, and his rental lease ended. I think he was clear a lot sooner than me (like, before we were even together, how sweet!) about the commitment tbh.

Spent the next year planning a move (both wanted to leave the city we were in) and probably another year selling my house, rented for a year in new location while househunting then from me being around 38-and-a-bit , ttc as well (once again driven by dh - I wasn't giving my age a lot of thought for some reason!) Conception sharpened our minds re house hunting, and we agreed to get married once we had the new house so we could have the celebrations there. 1st born close to my 40th, 2nd 2 years later.

I think dh felt more time stress than me throughout, weirdly. Nothing felt rushed to me - however by then I had definitely kissed (and cohabited with) a fair few frogs so knew he was a good'un.