Treating me with contempt?

[Fallout123]

I think my partner is treating me with contempt and is making me feel hugely anxious. He will come down in the morning and not even acknowledge me. We had a bit of an disagreement on Saturday evening about the way he speaks to me and yesterday morning I looked up and he was looking at me like he hated me. This morning I'd called 2 different tradesmen to sort some issues in the house. I told him about this and he basically put me down for not explaining what was broken correctly. I also had to call the vets but he had said he wanted to speak to them first, so mentioned it and asked him to call, which was met with why would I want to speak to them just call them.

It's all stupid minor things but the way he speaks to me is like I am just a huge inconvenice when I'm doing things to help us both. Feel pretty fed up with it but don't know how to bring up? If I say to him I don't like the way you speak to me I'll be asked to prove it and if I say it's his tone of voice etc will just be told I'm being sensitive.

Being sensitive has nothing to do with it. He doesn't like you OP, and probably hasn't for a good while now. & Why is it all 'he said this or that so I'm wondering?' He's not your God you know, he's just a man. Decide whether you want years of unhappiness ahead of you, living with a man who shows his distaste. Or if you prefer to leave, and make a good life for yourself.

If you stay it'll get worse - his scorn of you will grow, because he knows you're putting up with his behaviour and that makes you weak in his eyes. It all comes down to whether you can live with this or not really

Some men will stay even if they hate you. Because it’s nice to have someone to bully.

I hear you. My husband is very very similar. Sometimes I can just tell by one glance that it’s not worth talking to him at that moment. I often get one word replies to questions. Our roof was leaking last year so I made an appt with a roofer and got a quote. This was way above my post apparently, he said I was clearly over quoted (i wasn’t) and he would sort it. That was 18months ago. It’s still not fixed.

I often struggle to get across how he is because it’s not so much his words but the at he looks / attitude. It’s not nice and it’s emotional abuse. If you’d describe yourself as walking on eggshells in his presence I’d stay it’s time to get out.

Some good things to think about and I do wonder if he enjoys having someone to boss around and that might be part of why he wants this. Definitely do spend a lot of time on eggshells watching what I say.

Actions speak louder than words.
It’s all fake. Love bombing you so you’ll get confused and stay with him.
Manipulation tactic.

Realise what is actually going on and leave him.

In a loving relationship there is no confusion.

OP other posters on here put up with this, get married, have children, give up meaningful work and then feel
absolutely trapped. It is heartbreaking.
I know there are ties here but nothing so permanent.
A good man might get tetchy now and again, you might have disagreements, but an overall partnership is about being loving and supportive.
This man knows what he’s doing, and he knows he is hurting you.
That is many things, but love is not one of them.
Trust me, there is so much more to life than living in a hell like this.

The very least you would expect from someone you'd just met and were thinking of becoming friends with is that they are a decent, nice person who likes you and is nice to you. You wouldn't choose to be friends with someone who treats you like shit, so why are you accepting it from your partner?

It’s not about what he says, it’s about how he makes you feel.

Ignore him telling you he loves you and ask yourself if you feel loved.

Behaviour is the only language that always speaks the truth. He doesn't love you. He loves having you around to torment and antagonize. Please get rid of this nasty, abusive man.

He's an unpleasant wanker, do you really want to live on eggshells for the next 50 years??

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Your relationship to him is over in all but name now.

You are not being too sensitive; you are being abused by him. He is showing you the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one. Your boundaries perhaps already skewed by poor past relationships and life experience, are being further eroded by him.

Actions speak louder than words, look at his actions towards you. You would not tolerate this from a friend would you, let alone someone who purports to love you.

Do not settle because you are perhaps afraid of being single; cut your losses here and plan your exit from this with due care.

Get away from him. He wouldn’t speak to you like that if he loved you.

He likes having you around because apart from abusing you, you likely do all the care with the dogs and all the housework.

I'm afraid that you do need to be brutally honest with him. List out all the things that he does that make you feel unloved and inadequate.

Go into the conversation with a clear path in your mind of what you'll do depending on how he reacts.

A true partner would feel ashamed of themselves for making the person they love feel like that. They'd apologise and do everything in their power to make it right. This is the partner you work with to stay together.

[I am by no means minimising that he shouldn't be saying these things in the first place, but we all get annoyed and frustrated with our partners sometimes - this is giving him the opportunity to realise the error of his ways]

The partner that turns those accusations around back on you and/or attempts to minimise them ("I only say it because you don't understand" or "You're being too sensitive" or "I'm only joking") is telling you who they really are. They don't want to understand your point of view and/or don't care about you enough to. This is the one you should be prepared and willing to walk away from.

I suspect your H will fall into the latter category unfortunately, so before you have this conversation, think about what you'll do. You deserve better than to be treated like this, so start thinking about what a life without him looks like. Get your ducks in a row in advance, so you don't have to waste any more time with him than you need to.

There's no shame in a relationship not working out. Everyone deserves to be happy and I can promise you come out of a relationship like this with a new feeling of control and confidence for walking away.

I broke up with my ex who had spent years conditioning me to be how he wanted me to be. He belittled my job (even though my prospects were better than his - which was the crux of his issues) and isolated me from my friends and family. Luckily I had some excellent work friends who helped me see the light and I broke free.

The irony was that when I went out on my own, I had a bigger friendship group than when I started as not only did my original friends return, I had my work friends and, perhaps more satisfyingly, I took some of his friends too!

Good luck OP!

Thing is that he is adamant he loves me

Actions speak louder than words. His actions are not that of a man who loves you.

Well the good news is you don't have children with him, hurrah.

When you're confused over someone's actions not matching their words - always go with the actions as the authentic version, ALWAYS. That's who he is, and you deserve better - don't let him crush your spirit.

Thanks for all these responses. You are all right that I wouldn't put up with this from others so I need to wake up and realise he does not love me. I am so lucky that I have the means to leave and don't have kids as I know that would make me feel so trapped so I just need to get real and realise I deserve to be treated better than this

Before I answer your question, you may want to understand what’s going on here. His extreme attitude with you is contempt. Whatever he’s feeling inside about himself, he’s taking it out on you. Insecurity, pressure to be someone other than yourself, and disdain for one’s own actions will cause a temper flare up that when gone unresolved, will come out on the people you trust most. When feeling powerful, contempt is a way to feel in control. But acting with contempt is a form of abuse, when left untreated and consistently put on someone else. (I've intuitively channeled the answer for you. It's what I do. Hope it helps.)

So how do you bring this up to him? Plainly. Reflect his actions by explaining the situations back to him. It is up to him whether he is ready to see his actions and finally work on his emotions. But if he continues to deny his own truth, you will not be able to get through to him. He must get through to himself.

Unfortunately, the next question is, do you want to stay in a relationship with an unhealed partner who takes his emotions out on you? Only you can answer that.

Once the rot has set in you're done for.

Namechanged for this, I see this thread is really old, but Hey @Fallout123 - came across your post through a Google search, what happened in the end for you?

Currently dealing with this myself, which came to a head on Sunday over some vinegar and a wasp sting - of all things. Reached my breaking point with the way he speaks to me, and told him I was "Done" "Done with his Bullshit". He's currently not speaking to me, and I can't be arsed to speak to him either now. I am so tired of it all. Sad facts as we have 3 kids together and have been together 25 years.

But he's not making you feel loved in the way he speaks to you, you're feeling hate from him. So it doesn't matter what he says.

End the relationship - no further discussion with him required. No need to analyze this any further. You've brought it up already and he gaslights you saying you're too sensitive. No acknowledgement and change in his end = the end.

Edit* didn't realize this was an old post. But the advice stands for anyone going through similar