Hi everyone,
I’m reaching out because I’m struggling to come to terms with a longstanding issue with my mother, and I could really use some advice.
My mother has always had a complicated relationship with me, but recently it’s reached a breaking point. I’ve felt that she consistently prioritises her own needs—and those of her husband (my stepfather)—over my well-being. There have been times when I’ve called out their behaviour, only to be painted as the "angry" or “vindictive” one for speaking up. She often positions herself as the victim, saying she “just wants peace,” while dismissing the real pain her actions cause me and other members of the family.
When my father left she fell apart, and treated me as the only one that could understand her. I was 11 at this point and I am now 43. I have always felt responsible for her and I have put distance in over the years to help mitigate this.
She met my step dad not long after my Dad left, who is a complicated character who has had a lot of trauma in his past. He has recently had an inappropriate conversation with a young member of the family, which he says did not happen and that my nephew was lying about it.
As my Mum couldn't cope when confronted with this situation, her husband trying to manipulate my nephew - and my step dad saying this didn't happen she took pills in front of my nephew until my brother called her out and she spat them out.
The inappropriate conversation is very typical of his modus operandai and I have no doubt it happened. The harm and hurt that this will cause my nephew has upset me, and when confronting ,my mum and asking her if she believes my step dad, she replied 'why wouldn't I?'.
There are so many ridiculous lies this man has told that I don't even know where to start. I did lose it with her at this point and held her responsible for not protecting me in the past when she should have done.
There was a particularly painful incident in the past when my stepfather was physically violent toward me. I moved out for a short time, and my mum initially left him but ended up going back to him, which forced me to move back in with them. I’ve struggled ever since to understand how she could make that choice. Every time I try to address this or other difficult moments, it feels like I’m either ignored or blamed. When we call her out she says she can't cope and will throw pills down her neck as a suicide threat.
Most recently, she’s been reaching out to other family members, painting me as mean and angry, while gaining sympathy and support for herself. It’s incredibly isolating, and I feel like I’m at a breaking point. I want to set boundaries, but I also feel guilty and keep second-guessing myself. I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve “lost” my mother, though she was never fully there in the first place.
Has anyone else experienced something similar? How do you deal with a parent who refuses to acknowledge the harm they’ve caused and keeps prioritising their own needs over yours? Any advice on setting boundaries or finding peace in this kind of situation would be really appreciated.
Thank you for reading.