Shall we just stay living here together but apart

[Bambi1980]

My partner and I split up a few weeks ago. We never married but had been together for 15 years and have 3 DCs together. The house is in both names but I have put all the money into it and I am the higher earner. We both work full time but he works from home and so does the school drop off and pick ups, sorts teas etc. it has to be like this as we have literally no family support. My parents are deceased and his are elderly and don’t have a car anymore.
The options are that he leaves the family home and goes to live with his parents which isn’t ideal but it’s close to where I live. He would have to drive over each day to do school drop offs/pick ups and stay to make tea as I get home around 5ish depending on my shift.
He could see about renting a flat but I doubt he could do it on his wage and then I would struggle financially too.
Alternatively he could stay living here, he’s already in the loft room. We are civil to each other so there’s no arguing in front of the kids. To be honest we have been living like this for years anyway, no intimacy, just being a united front for the kids.
I have no interest in meeting anyone else as I don’t have the time or inclination to be honest. I can’t see him meeting anyone either. Maybe we could stay like this until the kids are older?. I have a DS aged 10 and twin DDs aged 7.
I just don’t know what to do for the best. No im not happy, haven’t been for a long time but I think for him to move out would cause so much stress and upset for the kids. As he is such a hands on dad, I would struggle. I have to work full time, no option there as I am the breadwinner.
It sucks having no support network.
Has anyone been in a similar situation?

Hmmm how would it work if you both found new partners?

Do you own the house? Maybe you will have to sell it if you can’t afford it on your own and move to a cheaper property.

If you are renting, then you should start looking for somewhere cheaper to move to, that doesn’t have to mean changing the children’s schools, leaving friends behind, etc. Also, if you are renting your husband can go to the local council and housing associations and apply for a home due to relationship breakdown. This might take some time but it’s at least a step in the right direction.

You’re not happy. The kids will be picking up on that. They deserve to grow up in an environment that is a healthy one. Remember you are modelling to them what adult relationships are like. Is this what you want for your children when they grow up? Living with a partner but not being happy?

If your ex can move to his folks and still do the school run, there’s no reason you can’t keep doing that but instead of staying up in the loft, he leaves when you get home. This way he still sees the children every day but you’re not living together. Also, maybe you could split the weekend so that he has them on one day and you the other. This allows for quality family time without being in each other company but also gives each of you some free time to yourselves.

Thanks, yes I do own it. Well we are both on the mortgage although I have put all the money into it. That’s another issue I’m sorting at the moment. I really don’t want to uproot the kids and the hassle of moving plus fees etc, it gives me an headache thinking about it.
i wouldn’t say it’s unhappy for the kids as we both try to get along in front of them we don’t talk about it so they can hear. It’s bedtimes, the twins would be heartbroken if their dad never put them to bed.

If it works for you both why not? There are lots of different family types. I personally couldn't, but I do a reasonable amount of combined stuff with ex & kid that some friends don’t understand, but it works well for us.

Wont it feel awkward when he wants to find a new GF and there over together?

might be best to just sell up and move on

I would recommend getting his name off the mortgage as a first step, whether you live separately or not. You need to have a discussion about that to find out how amenable he is to it ie. how much he wants paying to agree. If he wants to play hardball, he could demand 50% and legally he is entitled to that regardless of not paying a bean towards it. It was indeed foolish to put his name on. The sooner you do it the better though as equity is only going to go up as house prices do and as you pay the mortgage off. Let's say you stuck it out for 10 years, that's 10 years of you putting more money into the house, for him to get half in the future. Might as well take the hit now.
Apart from that, it's not ideal using him for daily pick/ups and drop offs. Most working people ( and in your case getting back at 5pm is early enough) then use after school clubs or wrap-around care.
If you live apart, you can claim cms, which by the sound of it is better than the financial abuse and using he's done over the years - unless he paid most of the rest of the bills instead.

I know what you’re saying but neither of us are even remotely interested in meeting someone else. We are also very respectful to each other, we wouldn’t have other people at the house.

Men are always interested in finding someone else. This won't work long term.

He will be onto the next before you know it and will argue he pays half bills so is entitled to have who he wants over.