We've heard about "toxic parents" - anyone got a "toxic sibling"?

[Gunnerbean]

I've got an extremely toxic sister who I no longer have anything to do with. Interestingly that's largely to do with the fact that IMHO she's also a pretty toxic parent, although her children are a little too young to see that at the moment. Sadly for them I know that the realisation will dawn gradually as they become older and ever wiser. I know they'll always love their mother but I just hope and pray her choices and actions won't have done them too much emotional harm by then. I'm not filled with optimism about that though...

I suppose it is quite regrettable because she's my only sibling that she's turned out to be so truly awful in so many ways. Throughout her life she's always been a taker and never a giver in every way imaginable so I can't say I particularly miss her as a person. If anything, I miss the sort of relationship that I know it is possible to have with a sister. The sort of relationship that I know so many people enjoy with their sisters and find truly enriching.

Has anyone else got a toxic sibling that they'd like to have a little rant about?

As I carry this around with me, I find the occasional rant quite cathartic.

I have one too. I'm not in touch with MS anymore. If we do happen to be in the same room (that is at my parent's house) we keep the conversation very limited, i.e. the weather. She can wind me up in 10 seconds if she wants to though and she knows it. My parents think that she is jealous of me and my YS because we are both married and have children. I'm not so sure what her problem is. I know that she still thinks about the past and as children we were horrible to each other but I put that down to childish things and have forgiven her her part but I don't think she has forgiven me. I think we were equal in our nastiness as children so I think she needs to let it go. I'm glad that I have YS though as I get along with her quite well. YS has issues with MS too but not to the same extent as I do. Since Christmas I haven't been in touch once with MS nor plan to do so. She never apologises for her bad behaviour. I have apologised plenty of times.

Sorry if this is a bit of a ramble.

I financially supported my sister for years, she lived with me rent & bill free for 6 months, and then she moved into my rental house for only a nominal rent. After 3 years, and me helping her to buy a house, she moved out to leave my house in a crap state. I was 2 months post natal, and in a bad way physically. When I had the audacity to phone her to ask her to help me clean the house, she arrived at the house, and screamed at me to go fuck myself.

Nice. Very classy.

I have refused to have anything to do with her since, unless she apologises. I am still waiting 3 years on.

My family have pressurised me to sort things out with her, blood being thicker than water etc, but I can truthfully say, I am better not having her in my life. She is one of life's takers.

Rant over.

I have one of these, she is also a toxic parent imho. She lives in a house that my parents own, is supposed to pay a reasonable (not market value) rent but has not paid in 4-5 years. The house is in a dreadful state, my parents have both tried to get her to pay even a nominal amount but she doesnt. She is very good at turning on the waterworks if anyone says something she doesn't want to hear.

She threatens my parents with never seeing her dc's if they do/say anything she doesn't agree with, so they back down everytime. My dad has a heart condition and mum worries about the stress on him.

Over the last 15 years,she has fallen out with me on so many occassions (sp) I never know why, she just stops speaking to me.

When we (me and oh) bought our first house, she came round and said 'you've really fallen on your feet this time haven't you', err no, we worked bloody hard to get the deposit and continue to work hard to pay the bloody mortgage.

She has the ability to pick complete twats as boyfriends, then moans about how bad they are, the current one told everyone we knew that he was in a v.successful rock band. Twat!!

Her oldest child is the same age as my youngest, he got him into all sorts of trouble last year, basically, my nephew was shoplifting and putting the stuff into my ys bag. Ys got arrested and bought home in a policecar. Luckily, the police just talked to ys and told him to find 'better' friends.

Her reaction to this? to drink herself into a coma. She then got taken to hospital and didn't give a stuff where her kids were for 2 days. She knows that mum and dad wil take over.

She is one of lifes takers as well, she is the only person to not have anything or get any help. She lives in a little bubble and nothing seems to affect her, unless she feels that someone else is been given more than her.

I have not spoken to her in 15 months and I do feel better for it. Although, I do miss the concept of a sister. You know one you can go out for lunch with, shopping etc.
But I know that will never happen

When my oh started his new job, she told all our mutual friends that he was ok because he was earning a fortune and that I could now sit on my arse being a kept woman. Wft? Even if this was true, which it isn't, what gave her the right to be spreading my private business around.

Unfortunately, mum and dad keep her informed of the basics of my life and she makes the rest up to suit her. I have told mum and dad not to tell her anything other than we are still alive from now on!!

God, that really has turned into a rant
Makes me feel a bit better though!

My brother is a lot younger than the rest of us but is now in his mid-twenties. He is good at putting on the appearance of being a nice guy, all the while fleecing my poor Mum! He takes out loans and runs up Visa bills without ever paying them back, then when it gets to crisis point Mum worries that he will "get a bad credit rating" and pays them off!
Another thing he has done is to go for a weekend abroad with this girlfriend and then ring Mum saying that he has run out of money and is stranded with no flight home/accommodation. So she pays for him to get home!
I have told Mum that the best thing she could do is to allow him to get a bad credit rating, then the banks would stop giving him money he can't pay back but she falls into the same trap every time.
My dsis and I have tried to talk to him; he pretends to be remorseful and a reformed character. I remember once giving him a long lecture about not buying things he couldn't afford, how it wasn't fair on Mum and he agreed with every word I said. And rang my Mum the next day for more money!

my sister is pretty crap, she is a lot older than me, but never offers help/support, only laughs at any problems I have, also never helps with my old mum, has no time for any of us apart from herself

gunner, I know exactly what you mean about missing out on a sister relationship, I often think "I could do with a big sister" then I remember I have one but she's no use

Oh god my sister is def one.
I don't see her anymore unless by accident and we talk about the weather.
She is a total self absorbed victim. She manages to blame me for much that is crap in her life even though I left home when I was 19 and barely saw her.
She constantly bad mouths me and is so jealous of everything.
Interestingly she is also a very bad mother , blamimg her children when they were small for driving off fuckwith boyfriends that she found in pubs and online. Her daughter had a drinking problem at 16 and her son is incredibly nice but incredibly anxious.
I spent years trying to help her but it always ended with her turning on me so I just steer well clear of her now.

I can understand missing the bond you feel you could have had with your sibling, but if they are truly toxic then I think it is best to accept that they aren't going to change, you are never going to have that bond with them, and the more you try, getting disappointed every time when it doesn't work, the more you will get hurt. It would be easier on you to avoid contact and get what you need from other people in your life.

I have learnt this about my relationship with my parents, although I still see them maybe 4 times per year.

I suppose you would call my brother toxic although I'm confused about him at the moment. I told my therapist about what he did during childhood and he calls it physical, mental and some sexual abuse. I thought I had forgiven him for it because I understand what he went through during his childhood. He is now in prison after committing crimes about 3 years ago and I have been supporting him and have a close bond with him and feel he is a different person now. But the therapy is bringing back the feelings I had about him during childhood and I'm starting to wonder if I am doing the right thing by being so attached to him now.

define "toxic" please....
Think my 2 sisters are this.
both for individual and very different reasons.

Post on the stately homes thread Toomanystuffedbears has a toxic sister, as do I and we have both broken off contact with them.

Mine was abusive to me from my earliest memories, mum and dad turned a blind eye to it all...or just giggled about how funny she was...oh yes...it stills brings tears to my eyes

She is entirely narcarsistic, not a clue about other peoples feelings...a taker like your sister too.

I miss having a sister as a concept but not as a reality...And I hope against hope that she never has any children...I would hate to think any other child had to go what I went through...

Definition from the Toxic parents book

"But there are many parents whose negative patterns of behavior are consistent and dominant in a child's life. These are the parents who do the harm.

As I searched for a phrase to describe the common ground that these harmful parents share, the word that kept running through my mind was toxic. Like a chemical toxin, the emotional damage inflicted by these parents spreads through a child's being, and as the child grows, so does the pain. What better word than toxic to describe parents who inflict ongoing trauma, abuse, and denigration on their children, and in most cases continue to do so even after their children are grown?"

Change to parent to siblings...my sister's abuse still hurts me now...its in the blood so to speak!

I'll just add to that...parents have massive impact on a childs life...and so do any peers...that could be siblings/schoolmates/other family...etc anyone who has a bit of influence/sway in your life.

My sister thinks she is right 100% of the time.

She cannot see that by parading boyfriend after boyfriend through her dependent and impressionable childrens' lives and constantly putting their (the boyfriends') and her needs first that she could be damaging the children in the long term.

She already has one adult child who suffered the same fate and now seems incapable of forming any sort of relationship. She's now leading the two little ones (who she had with a different man) down the same path.

She'd argue that she's got the childrens' best interests at heart and is looking for a stable father figure for them. That's a very convenient argument isn't it? So altruistic. Extremely useful too. Using that as a reason gives her carte balnche to do exactly what she wants to do and to qualify for mother of the year award too.

She also uses her children as a weapon against people who stand up and tell her a few home truths about herself and her behaviour, or dare to tell her that she should perhaps wait a week or two before introducing her children to their next new "daddy". She uses them to emotionally blackmail others and stops family members (and even their own father) from seeing them as a way to hurt them and get back at them. She knows exactly how much this hurts, never stopping it seems for one moment to consider how it affects the children not being able to see the people they love and who do actually remain constant in thier lives.

To her it's far more important that they are all over her latest boyfriend so that it she is able to carry on doing exactly what she wats unimpeded. She can then tell people, "I've just met XXXX. He's great, he's fantastic with the children and they absolutely love him".

As soon as they either don't want her anymore or she decides she doesn't want them she's back online looking for a replacement. Any memories of the last one have to be erased from the children's memories, despite how attached they may have become to them (and their families which has happened on occasion). The children are usually told that "xxxx left mummy because he decided he didn't love her anymore (even when she does the getting rid) so that she seems like the victim too.

Well, her latest throw of the dice on the interet may just have brought her what she deserves - a controlling manipulative man. She may deserve this but her children (who are also being subjected to his erratic and twisted manipulatve behaviour) most certaily don't. But of course, they love him too - they have no choice.

I'm not sure if I have a toxic sister or not...

She's not spoken to me in nearly 8 years and has cut off all contact with me. She last saw us when dc2 was 3 months old, and she's never seen the youngest two children

According to my Mum I've done something that has upset her, years and years ago (childhood issues). Mum won't tell me what it is and I honestly don't know (have spent hours stewing over what it could be!) I don't understand why my sister hasn't attempted to discuss it with me. She's just ignored me for years.

I've long given up trying to maintain a relationship with her. The lack of contact on her part was upsetting me too much so I stopped trying.

She had her first baby this week. I told my children the news and had a hard time convincing them I even has a sister. It's not like they remember her - my eldest was 2 last time they met. My sister hasn't sent cards for their birthdays and she teaches primary age kids so she knows that birthdays are a big deal.

I feel I should send a card for the new baby (not that she did for mine). But I don't even know her phone number or address.

Bugger - now I'm all again.

Hi BumpyBecky

I think anyone who could be this cruel ad show a total and blatant disregard for others' feelings and best interests sounds pretty toxic to me.

And why, if your mother knows the reason why your sister is so totally anti you, would she not tell you to offer you the opportunity to try and make some sort of sense out of this whole mess, or do something constructive to try and resolve it?

I can't believe that something that happened during childhood would cause a person to deny thier own child(ren) a relationship with their wider family members. And would also cause them to totally ignore their own totally innocent nieces and nephews. It is every child's human right to enjoy a relationship with their wider family.

Anyone who can do this is, imho, without question, toxic.

I know from my own situation that you can at times feel but I prefer to feel - and not just but f***g !!!

Message withdrawn

I have one too. In a very large family she was so self centred as to manage to get all the attention and scarce resources. I once asked my mym how come she got the new clothes, music lessons and drama trips while the rest of us put up with hand downs and saving for things ourselves. Her comment was "It's the squeaky gate that gets oiled". Mind you, this was also the woman who commented years later, with reference to the same sister that it's sad when you like your daughter's husband much better than you like your own daughter.

I thought it was just me but I realised the rest of my family felt the same when my very laid back brother commented between clenched teeth that he was going to break off contact if she told him one more time how to raise his children. I guess the tipping point came a few years ago when one of our younger sisters was dying of cancer. She managed to make the whole family trauma somehow circle around her, her needs, her opinions and her children.

Nowdays I only have the briefest of contact with her at family outings, though not weddings. She dosen't believe in weddings. Despite being married herself of course. She's a bit of a family joke amongst all but the youngest who don't have children yet.