Going round in circles

Ebbyfroom · 04/11/2024 08:07

Sorry to hear this - my ex husband was exactly the same.

He touch me when I was trying to sleep, then very loudly sigh when I said I was tired. He constantly pester me for sex and it just massively put me off him.

In my experience it didn’t get better, if I had sex with him everyday it wouldn’t have been enough and it all made me feel like an object in the end.

He’d sulk on the sofa and I would dread bedtime because I knew he’d try to pressurise me.

All this behaviour oddly made me actually meet someone else and leave him, prior to starting any form of relationship. It wasn’t my sex drive that was the problem, it was him and how he made me feel.

I think it’s easy to blame yourself and your libido - but are you sure it’s not just him behaving in such a way that puts you off going anywhere near the sex pest? It’s so unattractive to behave like a letchy perv and no wonder you don’t want to have sex with him.

What does he say when you’ve bought it up? My ex husband would call me frigid, a lesbian, something wrong with me etc etc so I’m assuming your husband will use the same script?!

TipsyJoker · 04/11/2024 09:15

I echo the pp. maybe it’s his approach rather than your libido. The fact you’ve spoken to him about not waking you up for sex and he still does it means he’s breaking your boundaries and not paying any attention to your needs. It’s all about him.

maybe if he spent some time actually backing off from trying to instigate sex and just reconnected with you as a person by respecting your boundaries, building tactile connection with pushing for sex, hugs, kisses, holding hands, foot rubs, etc. maybe he could date you again. Arrange to take you out and spend quality time together. Go for nice meals, walks, to see a show you would enjoy. Whatever it is you are into. That might help.

you need to sit him down during the day and tell him in a non-confrontational way how you feel atm. Tell him that you love him but you feel unheard and ignored. Tell him that you need your sleep and when he wakes you for sex it doesn’t turn you on. The timing doesn’t work for you. Tell him you would like to spend some time and effort into reconnecting and perhaps you could suggest some of the things you would like him to do.

if he goes in a huff or makes it a you problem, he’s a dickhead and he needs to be told that if he ever wants to have sex with you again he needs to take on board what you’re saying and act right. Tell him is attitude makes you dry up faster than the Sahara dessert in a drought.

AnotherHotDrink · 04/11/2024 09:19

Separate bedrooms may help.

Original poster

Toffeegirl39 · 04/11/2024 09:24

He just says he was trying to cuddle me. It’s all a denial thing with him. He feels rejected and turns on the guilt. Doesn’t call me names no. I think he’s genuinely doesn’t understand me or why I’m upset that he ignores my requests for personal space.

OP posts:

Original poster

Toffeegirl39 · 04/11/2024 09:28

tipsy I’ve tried this. He’s loving and attentive and takes me out etc but I feel there’s always the expectation of sex. He hears no as a personal insult. I’ve tried suggesting we take sex of the table for a couple of weeks he said we already had but he means I’ve not been up for it. I’m getting so sad about this as I just don’t seem to be able to get him to see if from my point of view.

OP posts:

TipsyJoker · 04/11/2024 09:34

Toffeegirl39 · 04/11/2024 09:28

tipsy I’ve tried this. He’s loving and attentive and takes me out etc but I feel there’s always the expectation of sex. He hears no as a personal insult. I’ve tried suggesting we take sex of the table for a couple of weeks he said we already had but he means I’ve not been up for it. I’m getting so sad about this as I just don’t seem to be able to get him to see if from my point of view.

Try again and be firm. Tell him that his sulky attitude is turning you off. Tell him there needs to be physically touch without the expectation of sex for a while. Tell him that he’s going to destroy your relationship if he keeps this up. Tell him he’s been ignoring you by, “trying to cuddle you” when you’re asleep. Tell him you weren’t born yesterday and you know he’s trying to instigate sex. You need to put your foot down on this. He’s not a lovely guy at all because he’s not respecting your boundaries and he’s being sulky and guilt tripping you into sex. That’s abusive. Tell him that his sulking and guilt tripping is a massive turn of and manipulative. It doesn’t make you want to be anywhere near you. Tell him when you’re sleep you do not want to be touched and woken and the next time he does it he can sleep in the spare room or the couch. Don’t let him guilt trip you. He’s being a dick.

TipsyJoker · 04/11/2024 09:36

As a side note, maybe speak to your GP as you might be menopausal given your age or maybe have a hormone imbalance or vitamin deficiency. That doesn’t mean his behaviour is acceptable though. He’s acting like a petulant child.

Sparklfairy · 04/11/2024 09:38

Please do not condone or minimise this behaviour with bullshit like 'his love language is sex'. He's a sex pest. End of. He has absolutely no right to be depriving you of sleep and feeling you up when you're asleep!!

Which of the two of you explained away this behaviour with this love language nonsense? Him or you?

TipsyJoker · 04/11/2024 09:41

Sparklfairy · 04/11/2024 09:38

Please do not condone or minimise this behaviour with bullshit like 'his love language is sex'. He's a sex pest. End of. He has absolutely no right to be depriving you of sleep and feeling you up when you're asleep!!

Which of the two of you explained away this behaviour with this love language nonsense? Him or you?

Exactly and the guilt tripping and sulking is abusive. He’s pressuring her into having sex she doesn’t want. That makes him disgusting in my book.

Sparklfairy · 04/11/2024 09:45

Toffeegirl39 · 04/11/2024 09:28

tipsy I’ve tried this. He’s loving and attentive and takes me out etc but I feel there’s always the expectation of sex. He hears no as a personal insult. I’ve tried suggesting we take sex of the table for a couple of weeks he said we already had but he means I’ve not been up for it. I’m getting so sad about this as I just don’t seem to be able to get him to see if from my point of view.

Why are you bending over backwards to try and manage his feelings when he has absolutely no regard for yours? I'm furious on your behalf. He's a grown man who is completely manipulating you and you're falling for it. It is YOUR body, and he's not entitled to use it as and when he wants. The nerve of him to punish you with guilt trips and sulking when he doesn't get to use you as a sex doll! Fucking get angry, stop tiptoe-ing around this absolute abuser.

TipsyJoker · 04/11/2024 11:44

Sparklfairy · 04/11/2024 09:45

Why are you bending over backwards to try and manage his feelings when he has absolutely no regard for yours? I'm furious on your behalf. He's a grown man who is completely manipulating you and you're falling for it. It is YOUR body, and he's not entitled to use it as and when he wants. The nerve of him to punish you with guilt trips and sulking when he doesn't get to use you as a sex doll! Fucking get angry, stop tiptoe-ing around this absolute abuser.

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Original poster

Toffeegirl39 · 04/11/2024 15:52

Thanks all for your comments.
I told him this morning I was tired and didn’t get much sleep as he kept waking me up - his response - no I didn’t. Wtf.
Yes I’m perimenopasal and have hrt patches. He sometime dismisses me when I explain my low oestrogen levels as he’s in complete denial of any issues !!
i have tried to talk to him
about respecting boundaries etc, we go round in circles with this every month when my levels get low /im not feeling it.

I am trying to see his point of view as I feel that’s only fair- he’s very touchy feely /affectionate and considerate non sexually too but has a ridiculously high sex drive.

He won’t be conscious /aware enough to go on the sofa or spare room i do sometimes though.

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ginasevern · 04/11/2024 17:13

"His love language is sex". That comment almost makes me want to gag. He's abusing you physically and emotionally.

sunflowersngunpowdr · 04/11/2024 17:44

Have you guys had an honest conversation about how things will look if this continues. Can he accept less sex than he is used to / wants? Do you think your libido will be like this long term or is it a dip? Do you actually want to be together? Discuss your expectations and boundaries and be brutally honest with each other before your relationship breaks down under resentment on both sides.

Original poster

Toffeegirl39 · 04/11/2024 17:46

I feel like I’m trying to be honest but he’s in denial that there’s an issue. Blames my hormones and says it’s fine but he clearly doesn’t till it’s fine. The relationship will fail if we don’t though. I’ve realised that.

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LittleGreenDragons · 04/11/2024 17:52

An abuser is never wrong, it is ALWAYS the other person's fault.

Look up DARVO.

Tillybud81 · 04/11/2024 18:06

Op I went to the doctors numerous times, had every test imaginable and read every book to try and work out why my libido was so low. Turns out I was just actually really turned off by my DP. For many of the reasons that you are struggling with your DH.

It's so difficult but it killed our relationship, he just didn't get what he was doing wrong and why I wasn't up for it often. I felt like I was just boobs and an arse to him, could never have so much as a cuddle without it feeling like a grope.

I do hope you can get through to him, though the denial sounds strong in him

Nanny0gg · 04/11/2024 18:12

Toffeegirl39 · 04/11/2024 07:54

So I’m nearly 50 I’m on my second marriage ( 10 yrs nearly ) and hubby is a lovely bloke who tries his best. We get along fine mostly, but the issue is his love language is sex and im
struggling at the moment with my libido.
he feels rejected and takes it personally but the main issue is is won’t let me sleep. He keeps going to touch my breasts/bum etc when I’m asleep and wakes me up. I’ve explained I need my sleep he just denies every thing. I’ve tried repeatedly to talk to him but can’t seem to effectively communicate. Now I’m feeling really low as I just can’t trust him to give me space.
it’s been 8 days since we last had sex. I’ve had mild thrush:low libido all week.

He's not lovely

He's a sex pest

HTH

Nanny0gg · 04/11/2024 18:14

Toffeegirl39 · 04/11/2024 09:24

He just says he was trying to cuddle me. It’s all a denial thing with him. He feels rejected and turns on the guilt. Doesn’t call me names no. I think he’s genuinely doesn’t understand me or why I’m upset that he ignores my requests for personal space.

It wouldn't matter what the subject is; sex or doing the washing up.

He doesn't listen to you

That's the bottom line.

He is not lovely

You do not need this

BirthdayRainbow · 04/11/2024 18:17

You don't seem to have realised your low libido is because of your sex pest husband.

If you were with someone who respected your need for rest, pulled his weight around the house and didn't sulk when told he couldn't play with his toy, I suspect you'd want sex a lot more.

LightSpeeds · 04/11/2024 18:18

Sparklfairy · 04/11/2024 09:38

Please do not condone or minimise this behaviour with bullshit like 'his love language is sex'. He's a sex pest. End of. He has absolutely no right to be depriving you of sleep and feeling you up when you're asleep!!

Which of the two of you explained away this behaviour with this love language nonsense? Him or you?

Exactly what I was thinking...

He's a bloody sex pest.

Original poster

Toffeegirl39 · 04/11/2024 18:43

He works hard and does his share around the house.
I’m just waiting for him to come home and carry on like everything is fine. I need an acknowledgment and apology from him.

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YRGAM · 04/11/2024 19:01

Sex isn't a love language