This feeling won't go away.

[speakout]

I want to move out.
I am in my 60s, as is OH. Two adult children, one still living with us, my elderly mother lives with us too, but hopefully moving to sheltered housing soon.
OH and I have been together 27 years, but I feel my feelings dying for him.
He is a decent guy, but our life choices are creating a chasm.
From the beginning of our relationship we both enjoyed weekend evenings. Once children in bed we would laugh and chat, drink wine, enjoy some simple food, candles- and often tipsy. OH worked away a lot - and still does, a Saturday would be our catch up day.

I have been having therapy in the past few years for anxiety and childhood CPTSD and have had profound changes in the way I think.
I have embraced changes in my life, deeply into yoga practice and healthy living.. Alcohol lost its appeal and my food choices did too.
OH has continued his relaxation methods alone, and drinks alcohol on weekend evenings. He has gained weight, takes medication for hypertension and statins, and I find myself irritated when he starts a conversation after drinking a few glasses of wine.
I watch him slumping into old age, and it is sad- while I feel fitter and stronger than ever.
He hasn't done anything wrong, most of the changes have been on my side, but it just doesn't feel a good fit anymore.
He still works long hours and away a lot with work, so I still have time to myself, but I have this yearning to live alone, and it is getting stronger.

We have a decent enough house in a lovely area- almost finished paying off the mortgage, but if we split up and sell we would both only afford a very small house in a not so good area.

What do I do with my feelings? They grow stronger with time. I want out of this relationship, out of our shared space.

You're drifting apart, because you have a different calling. The gap will only get bigger along with the resentment. Resentment isn't your true nature. The pull will be too strong and you will have to make the decision. Make it sooner rather than later.

M ysticguru thanks, not sure about a "calling".

And I am wondering whether our relationship is actually doomed or can be redetermined.
I have a lot of space and freedom, and OH pulls his weight when he is home. There are frequent stretches when he is away with work, although he is approaching retirement age.
I just don't have the same feeliings for him anymore- but we have little conflict.

So is the real issue here that the idea of him retiring is unappealing, because you’re happier when he’s away and dread the thought of him being around all the time?

One question — are you also working FT? It may be that returning will give him the time and headspace to embrace a healthier lifestyle too. Work stress and working away from home a lot often doesn’t help with a healthy lifestyle.

"What do I do with my feelings? They grow stronger with time. I want out of this relationship, out of our shared space."

@speakout

You may not see it as a calling (yet)

When the time is right the decision will be made. There may be a lot of rumination meanwhile. My advice is just relax and let things develop organically. The irritations will either get stronger or weaker.

Mysticguru thank you- that is wise advice.

OriginalShutters - yes I work, I run a small business from home. I work long hours, but my hours are flexible.

I wonder if retirement coming closer is making you focus on this Op. In fairness if he relaxs by drinking this could be a bigger problem once he retires. Have you talked to him about how he sees his life when he no longer works?

I totally get how you feel OP.

Ok, so your working pattern means you have more ability to fit in exercise etc than it sounds as if his does — as a pp said, have a conversation about how he envisages spending his retirement? Would it lessen your negative feelings if he said ‘I want to go on a health kick and train for a marathon’?

Crikeyalmighty- that means a lot, thanks.

OriginalShutters I* *don't think he plans to retire soon, or fully.
He works for a small company who find it difficult to find staff with his skill set- they have several employees in their mid 70s who work part time, and he could easily do short contract work.

I don't want to change him, I really can't see him going on a health kick, and I am also aware that it is me who has changed aspects of our relationship- not him. His life choices are his to make, I wouldn't want to pressure him to change.

I just have concerns for the future of our relationship and my happiness.

I have found that mismatched expectations and styles of relaxation are exacerbated with age. Especially around retirement/partial retirement or flexible and inflexible work schedules. My dh and I are doing well even though I began working and he retired basically at the same time. But that is because we are still in love after 33 years and we share how we relax and are kind of aesthetically and emotionally attuned.

My other older women friends or clients are struggling very much. As Warren Buffet observed of financial matters “when the tide goes out you can see who has been swimming naked.” As there is less distraction from work, less pressure from family, and more time together you will start to feel the pressure of any lack of attunement..

I'd be inclined to leave before he retires as I can't see you being content sharing a home when he stops being away as much.

You also need to think about whether you would resent becoming his carer as you get older, if his lifestyle choices catch up with him. As the fitter of the two, it could all fall to you. Is this a role you would be OK with,or would you regret not leaving earlier, as obviously it's far harder in terms of conscience and how others will view you, if he became unwell?

(You also might want to consider the reverse scenario, if you become more dependent, do you see him managing your care?)

I don't think size of place matters so much - downsizing might be good whether you stay together or not.

You raise some interesting points pikkumyy77.

I am glad to hear that your own relationship is doing well.

I have been pondering over the "nature" of relationships, and while being in love is a strong glue, people stay together for many different reasons- and there are no rules governing how relationships work.
I have some thinking to do, and take time to think of my next- if any steps.

I'm right in the eye of a similar storm myself op if you want to DM. I know I've made the right decision ending the marriage but it is after 30 years together and feels very raw.

My mother felt the same about my father by the time she was in her fifties. They married when they were both 20 and had lots of shared interests.
They had very different interests as they got older. Mum kept quiet about how she felt and they more or less lived separate lives together.

I don't know when Mum stopped loving Dad. I know she found him really annoying after he retired. Mum was diagnosed with cancer aged 67. She told me that she wished she had left Dad years previously; and had a few fulfilling years by herself. She died aged 68 without having that time to herself.
Dad died alone aged 80.

It was a lesson to me which I sadly did not need as my DH died aged 56 when I was 48. We did not have time to fall out of love.I would have loved to grow old with him.