I don’t even know where to start .. but I need some advice. Please no judgement as I can only tell so much about my journey ..
My ex-husband and I met abroad right after I finished university. It was a summer romance, and when I unexpectedly got pregnant, we decided to move to his country to build a stable life. We married, had our son, and he found a job, but we never really got to know each other well. Over time, I realized he was extremely negative—small issues like a flat tire would ruin his mood, and he was often unsupportive when I was sick or needed help. He’d complain about things like time or money, and it seemed like everything was too hard for him.
our marriage start crumble and when I suggest we try different things he would normally say I live in fantasy world. I really tried I was loyal I took care of kids , I made the sacrifice to be in in his country away from everyone and everything because I knew I could take it and I knew I could adapt. I had depression , and healed myself then fell pregnant with our second child things start to look better a little bit at least I thought. In the birth of our daughter I had to stay in hospital two weeks before because risk birth. With two weeks our daughter was born trough csection we got home and with two days I contracted a serious infection on my wound my midwife said I had to go back to maternity when I go there the doctor said : because u just gave birth u have high risk of sepsis with this infection so they had to keep me in and when they informed me and my husband he just got so angry and said :AGAIN. So the doctor told him off and said out of this room. And once he went out the room he left hospital and that night I stood alone crying hold a hand of a nurse and lost all my love I had for him we were done there ..
After healing physically felt ready to ask for a divorce. He didn’t want it, claiming he’d change, and we should give our ten years one last try. I agreed, but nothing changed. During COVID, I felt trapped and emotionally drained, which led me to seek an escape online. I “fell in love” with someone and decided to meet him, telling my husband we were done first yet lying tonwhere I was going and what I was doing. After meeting the man, I returned home feeling terrible; I never wanted to cheat, but he made me feel loved. I continued this cycle until I could no longer lie, and eventually, I told my ex that we were truly finished.
I’m not here to use my story as excuse for cheating , I have ask forgiveness myself and I’m try heal of this guilty that I feel.
I became a single mother to my two kids. My ex-husband still blames me for ruining his life. Whenever I ask for financial help or about the kids, he reacts badly, claiming he’s mentally done. I knew we’d struggle financially after our split, so I told him I wouldn’t ask for money until he was stable, only asking for help with gas or food if he could. I haven’t pressured him about money, but lately, he hasn’t been seeing the kids as often also. When I question him, he responds he wishes he didn’t wake up and other heavy stuff communicating is so so difficult.
So I’m constantly waking in egg shells against him scared that he will kill himself and will be my sins that destroyed his life. I’m done mentally I try move on, forgive myself and be the best version of myself for my kids. I try my best understandin him so we have healthy co parent and still I’m the worst.
Today he come at my home and asked for a cigarette I said I didn’t had any so he says how u blow ur money so fast u have no bills. I’m stay at home parent and he hasn’t help with any money for a very long time , yet he comes and make me feel shit about everything. I don’t know what to do anymore .. I’m so lost and so down maybe those are the forever consequences of my actions …
Sorry for long text ..