I function. But that's about it.

[Functioningdisaster]

I feel like I am functioning but I haven't got anything left in me. Nothing emotionally, physically or mentally. I have shut down.

Pressure of work, family, life and some significant events have worn me down. This, on my part, is contributing to what I feel is loneliness in my marriage. I work full time and we have two primary school age children.

I feel my strength and resilience has completely been chipped away and have had significant events where I had to survive and there was no emotional support. So I have pulled back my emotional support to him and with that everything else..it's like a slow dripping tap and now it's this.

I don't really support my husband nor provide any affection. It's another role I need to play to support someone and I just don't have it.

He is a good man and we work well as a team for the children, but emotionally we a bit broken.
I am sometimes jealous of his ability to emotionally support his children, but not with me (This is unfair of me as I am probably the same). I will outwardly listen to him when he tells me about his day, but I am not really processing. He is always exhausted and tired and I have got tired of living with that energy. I feel like I have nothing left to give of me on top of being a mother, earner, and all else that life throws at you..

I don't really know what to do with this. I feel like I need to fight to get back to where we were or walk away but I don't have it in me for either. I don't want to break up my family but neither do I want to just function.

Not surprisingly this is the elephant in the room..we don't talk about it...I know we need to but I don't think we are ready for the consequences.

I really just don't know what to do with this

Handholding, until somebody with some words of wisdom comes along. I understand.

does your husband pull his weight with the house and the kids? Sometimes we as mums are expected to work outside the home and left with the second shift and that can leave us exhausted and resentful and mean that it doesn’t take much to leave us “pouring from an empty cup”.
otherwise I would consider speaking to a gp regarding anti depressants to try and get your mental health into a better place, and then tackle the relationship issues.

Hi op. Same here, we have twins and a sibling and the sheer relentless work means we just seem to tag team each other as we go through the days. No time for our relationship, and doesn't help that every time I try and raise this I get shut down. And then I am the bad guy for making him feel bad, or wanting more. Solidarity but no answers here...

I could've written this.... Sending much love to you. I have no advice either given I'm in the same trench.

Sounds like your DH is generally a good man?

I think you will regret a divorce although many on here will advise walking away at the slightest hint of trouble.

Sounds like you need to reconnect as a couple. Have you considered a regular monthly stay in a hotel if you can get babysitters? Outsourcing jobs such as cleaning and ironing to give you both more leisure time?

I think if you try and find time to reconnect as a couple rather then just co-parents then you may find it easier.

Thanks for coming back to me. Sorry to hear others are in the same boat, but not surprised either.

For those that ask, yes my husband is a good man. Good values, great father, does his fair share of the doing. But emotionally cold which I find hard to navigate. He wasn't always and I think we are definitely not the same people we were 20 years ago.
I can't work out if my way of feeling is hormonal (peri?? Docs don't seem to think I am in the menopause and not particularly helpful either).

In a ideal world I would stop working for 6 months just to give myself a break but being a primary earner we can't forgo my income.

Could you get signed off for a couple of weeks to regroup? It sounds like you need a rest and to take off the pressure a bit.

Would you and he be willing to try relationship counselling?

OP I have these feelings as well. It helps me to take some time to do NOTHING. No phone scrolling, no cleaning up...I mean nothing. Do you get any alone time where there are no expectations on yourself, no end goal to achieve? I bet you get very little - same as me. I know it feels impossible but try and carve out a little of that time for you. It gives your brain and body time to start feeling again. To not distract and worry about everything else.

Second thing I try to do - communicate to your partner. Not asking him to problem solve or relate it back to something he understands and feels. To just have someone you care about listen to you.

I totally agree with QueenBakingBee about taking time to do nothing. Also the PP who said can you be signed off sick. I know I'm a hypocrite because I have done/will do neither of these things but they are very good advice!😅I had two days off sick recently due to a virus and even though I felt ill, I actually enjoyed the rest so much, kids at school/nursery so didn't have to run around after anyone til 5pm. My youngest is still pre-school so I feel like I'm either at work or with my kids, there is no time for just me to do what I want. So difficult.

Could have written this also, I think there may be many in similar situations 💓

I hear you.

DD1 is disabled.

It's just relentless.

It's modern life I'm afraid and makes sense why lots of people are no longer having kids.

In the same boat over here 🙋‍♀️ 3 kids at home 2 with disabilities I’m working and running about like a blue arsed fly, getting into debt and and constantly worrying, I’m now just on auto pilot, can barely string a sentence together or hold down a convo it’s embarrassing esp where I’ve always been outgoing I just feel a shadow of myself now. Dh is a very good dad and husband but he is now out of work because of his back which has impacted his mental health as he was always the bread winner and don’t like that it is all on my shoulders now, I try to reassure him it’s ok but really it’s not, it’s way to much pressure on me but I’ve just got to keep on going and it’s bloody exhausting. Sorry no advice just wanted you to know you’re not alone xx

Sounds like you need a holiday and someone impartial to talk to, like a therapist

Do you think he misses the connection too? You say he's emotionally cold, but not so with your children, maybe he's struggling to reconnect also? Could you take a half day together to just...have lunch? Go to bed? Try and find a bit of yourselves as a couple? However... if you feel unsupported yourself this might not be something you want right now. In a situation where you feel you have given him support and he has not in turn focused on you when you were in need you must find it very hard to not feel resentment about that. This is where i am myself - i am the emotional support person, and i am tbh very bored of being the bigger person now. Everything falls before (jn my case) meeting my husbands need for support 🤔 and I just have to get on with it. Sorry , prob not helpful.

Why are you the primary earner? Does he work?

Im not sure who said it, but I remember reading a quotation along the lines of… couples relationships either in time face towards each other or turn away and start to not see each other. You can’t really, I think, carry on as parents looking towards each other, it’s not the natural turn of events. Good parenthood means constantly having little people whose needs trump yours. @littleteapot86 likened it to the trench mentality. It is, I know, I’ve been there. This is what makes being a parent not a walk in the park. You’re overwhelmed and exhausted and have lost each other (temporarily). You can get this back.Talk to your DH. He’s the same man you fell in love with, albeit worn out too. You are both side by side in the trench and although you’re both facing forward and looking away,you’re on the same side. Voice all this to him. Also, if you can, as @QueenBakingBee said, take a break. Breathe. You can get through this.

@Whalewatchingyour post made me cry (in a good way) this morning. It really resonated with me x