FIL is a conspiracy theorist

[Peonyyyy]

My husbands dad has always been into conspiracy theories. Aliens, 9/11 is fake etc. obsessed with planes that go missing like the Malaysia Airlines one and believes conspiracies about that too.

he has also always been quite the antagonist - saying sexist or racist things at the dinner table to deliberately provoke us into starting an argument with him. He’s contrary about everything and it seems like he does it for attention a lot of the time.

But since Trump became president in 2016 it’s got so much worse - loves Trump and hates democrats (we are in the UK) trump can do and say no wrong but have you heard the stupid thing Kamala said yesterday? Also a Putin sympathiser.

MIL is also the same when it comes to Trump and Putin, a lot of it is to do with her being very Christian and believing they ‘uphold Christian values.’

they are both retired, he is especially isolated - no close family and no friends at all, doesn’t go to any groups or meet ups, no hobbies, neither of them interact with anyone other than us and BIL/SIL and MIL has a couple of friends she sees occasionally.

since covid it’s got even worse, they are anti vaxxers as well now and think it was all something to control us and that covid didn’t really kill anyone.

we have also long suspected that FIL is autistic, and he definitely had a difficult upbringing with a cold, neglectful father.

saying all this now I’m amazed I put up with it at all. When he brings up these topics I try to just keep quiet but always end up blowing my top because it makes me so angry - he thinks we are all brainwashed by the mainstream media. he seems to spend too long on the internet and sometimes says he has got into arguments with people in the comments section on YouTube!

now we have children I often wonder how we will cope with this once they get older, I don’t want them hearing this rubbish. And I don’t like spending my visits with them arguing with mental conspiracy theorists. Believe it or not, when they manage to not talk about politics, they are actually really nice people!

does anyone else have this problem? I wonder if as the kids get older we’ll need to reduce visits. We always make it clear that we don’t want to talk about these things and we will just have to agree to disagree - but I suppose because he has no one to talk to he loves trying to ‘convert’ us when we come over.

my husband has tried speaking to them several times and they don’t listen. He argues with them as well when they start.

it would really put me off letting them look after the kids as they get older which is a real shame (in lots of ways!) today we were over (we tend to visit about once a month) there was a big argument started by him and I got so angry I was very close to just telling everyone we’re going home, but I didn’t because I wanted to keep things nice and don’t want to cause a big family rift.

just ranting really and wondering if anyone else has this issue with family or a friend? I suspect they will never change their views, it’s quite depressing.

Im in rather a similar situation but it's my husband who is the conspiracist with us being the couple with adult children. It's embarrassing for me as I get lumped wacky along with said husband. I find it difficult to extract myself from these awkward convos but have tried to say kindly but firmly "you have your opinion and I have mine. Lets leave it at that as I'm not going to change my stance. Now what about your garden?..... (or whatever to change the subject)"

They both sound dreadful. Why are you subjecting yourself, let alone your children, to these people at all?. Your H has tried talking to his parents and they are not listening to your valid concerns. Forget all this about being nice (because that is your social conditioning as a female) and not causing a family rift; they're already doing this by their actions.

You would not tolerate this from a friend and his parents are no different.
If you at all want to still meet up with them (and I would ask why) then its best to do so in a public place where they cannot readily spout their views. If they continue to misbehave and argue even in a public space (e.g a restaurant) then I would lower all contact levels with them. This is something you may want to do anyway

Re your comment:
"we have also long suspected that FIL is autistic, and he definitely had a difficult upbringing with a cold, neglectful father"

Why do you think ASD at all re him?. You could be barking completely up the wrong tree here. ASD does not equal abuse and also shows a poor understanding of what ASD actually entails. The refrigerator theory re ASD was debunked years ago.

Your FIL is very much a product of his own upbringing at the hands of his cold and neglectful father (what was his mother like because she is not mentioned) so he has in turn become a cold and neglectful adult. I would not personally want to be around someone like this; you all need radiators in your lives, not drains. Stop showing your children that their behaviour is still acceptable to you both.

@Carlou that must be so hard! Has it affected your relationship? It must be really difficult having such different views.

@AttilaTheMeerkat you know, you’re right. I think I’ve put up with it far too long. I think before we had kids I just could put up with it as it was only like a few hours a month. But now I think more about how it might affect them.

Also what you’ve said about the autism has clicked with me too. He’s not autistic, he’s a narcissist, probably brought on by being neglected as a child. He is also disruptive sometimes on purpose - sort of like a naughty child, which I guess is for attention. Latest example is as we were leaving at the weekend after this big argument and getting the kids into the car etc, he suddenly said oh has the dog had a walk? (Our dog who we had brought with us) and proceeded to walk him off down the street. Of course the dog didn’t want to go so they came straight back but it’s like why? Why are you doing this when we are packing up to go home? Something like this happens pretty much every time when we’re trying to leave.

Another narcissistic trait which I guess I was mistaking for autism is that basically you can’t have a normal conversation with him. Any time you try hr manages to steer the conversation to be what he wants to talk about - his controversial political opinions who he knows I won’t agree with, cars - which he knows I’m not interested ir knowledgeable in, or some conspiracy.

I had a chat with my husband about it tonight and he said he will have a serious chat with them both. I said realistically we need to accept that we may never be able to let the kids stay there without us as we can’t police what they’re saying, they will never change their views and we will probably really struggle to stop him talking about these things when we are there.

It seems very narcissistic as well that he will spout this horrible stuff in front of myself and my BIL’s wife,and his sons when he knows we all hate it and don’t agree. It always causes an argument and we always say just don’t talk about these things we don’t agree on, but he doesn’t listen.

He sounds like a deluded misogynistic bigot. No wonder he likes Trump.

I have someone in my life who holds exactly the same opinions. I don't engage at all, l blank their questions and don't ask their opinion on anything. I only interact on safe topics. I turn the tv off as it triggers them. I don't think you can debate anything with a conspiracy theorist as they just start frothing at the mouth and calling you a sheep. It's exhausting and they are unpleasant to be around- you have my sympathy.

You and H have the most influence over your children.
Ours hear all sorts in the playground, they love telling us, because we all howl with laughter on receipt of such information.

You can counteract easily, just ignore them, let them witter on. It's irrelevant.

oh I feel your pain... we haven't watched TV in years as it triggers him as well. It's so hard to steer them into a normal convo isnt it? Mind you, after threatening to put him in Mental health unit when he had nearly a panic attack post Jan 6th riots (we don't live in USA) he has calmed down this election. But I knew who won simply because of his behaviour. Sad. I do actually know what you are going thru. I thought I was the only who was. Turns out there is a whole group of us sheep who have "drunk the kool aid" and are "ignorant"....

I have to laugh at Trump or Democrat supporters from the UK. As if they care over there about how some old duffers in the UK regard them....😆

I wouldn’t spend time around someone who was acting this crazy and just generally seemed to have values that fundamentally go against mine and my family’s, blood relations or no. I’d just phase them out. Dh can still go see them, but I’d keep it to weddings and funerals otherwise. No one’s children benefit from being exposed to this sort of stuff. My parents kept me away from the crazy grandparent and I’m very grateful and don’t feel like I missed out a bit.

We are constantly subjected to divide and conquer tactics by the media. It’s up to you whether you allow them to divide your family or not.

My ex FIL was like this, so happy I don’t have to listen to his crap and no one call him out apart from me. I see some of his comments on fb on sky news etc, he’s pure entertainment.I know that’s bad but 🤣🤣