Dh doesn't like my family - what do I do?

[Threesmycrowd]

I'm close to my family, dm, dsis+wife + their 2dcs. Have 2 dcs with my husband. We are happy except for when we see my family, I know dh doesn't like it/them, he makes very little effort and generally comes across disinterested and rude. It makes me feel hurt/embarrassed/angry. At its worst it makes me question our whole relationship, I just find it so miserable that he can't get on with them.

Any thoughts or advice welcome.

Reasons he doesn't like them:

• dsis and wife are very left wing while he is more right. It's led to disagreements, neither of them really see each others pov tbh
• dsis and wife are very soft parents, there isn't a huge amount of discipline and he find that frustrating as we are stricter. It's quite chaotic and he finds it difficult (so do I sometimes)
• df died a number of years ago. When we are with my family there isn't another man for him to be with. I know he finds this hard as he doesn't have much in common with dm/dsis/sil. When we socialise with dh family there's a lot of "men going to the pub/for a cycle/other activity while women stay at home with children". He doesn't say this but I know he'd find socialising with my family easier if he had an "ally".

I do understand why dh finds their company hard but the other side is that they are are kind, generous, thoughtful, welcoming, they make an effort with him, I love them, our kids love them and I don't want to see them less but also every time we do see them I feel like it's awkward and he's often a bit miserable (sometimes noticeably... this has come to a head as we've just been on what should have been a nice holiday but he spent most of it moping around and was really quiet. He made very little effort. I felt embarrassed).

What should I do? I already see them without him sometimes.

Ask him to be more polite, see them without him, stop seeing your family, or leave him.

He doesn’t need to be there every time you see your family.

Yes he should make the effort every now and then but normalise seeing them yourself and letting him do his own thing.

See your family without him.

For the rare occasion eg high days, holidays etc where everyone gets together lay ground rules or people keep their opinions to themselves and not spout off to wind others up.

Do I take it from your post that you've just been on holiday with them, as 2 families (or more)? Sorry, but if my DH really didn't get on with my family, I would not then make him go on holiday with them; it's unfair.

Can he just see them less? Hopefully any socialising would be easier if it were less often.

Going on holiday with family is advanced level contact. It should be reserved for the rare situations where everyone actually gets along well and will enjoy a holiday together. You don’t happen to have that situation.

you need to change your expectations. He should be able to handle Christmas dinner, birthdays, and that level of socializing with a happy face. If you want more, he doesn’t need to attend.

These are interesting replies thanks. It is making me see his perspective more which is helpful. I've listed out the reasons he doesn't like them which makes it seem bad but I haven't listed all the positives - they do get on but I feel to be honest like all the effort comes from them and all I need is for him to do a little back. It's like - they see that I chose him as a husband so they try to include him, he doesn't see that when he married me he married my family (in my opinion) and reciprocate that effort.

everyone Also needs to follow basic family rule 101, no politics and no religion.

He should be polite, but you should accept that he doesn't enjoy spending time with them and limit that. It's a big ask for someone to go on holiday with a group of people they don't really like. Would you want to go on holiday with a group of people you don't like?!

If you don't enjoy the men do this/women do that vibe with his family then you can skip that. You both get time with your family and time to yourself. Win win.

He's a right wing strict parent who can't socialise with women unless he's got another man there as an "ally" and sulks to the point of rudeness to make his feelings known.

He sounds like a dream. Regardless, you obviously think he is, so I'd be honest with everyone. Tell your family that he finds them bothersome, they probably have similar feelings about him but have been adult enough for your sake not to make it obvious. Tell him that he can stay away from your family and let you and your DC enjoy the relationship you have with them if he can't put his face straight and show his children a good example of how to build and maintain relationships with people that matter, and work through differences.

You'll be able to get on in peace without him throwing his weight around silently then, and all be able to breathe a sigh of relief.

I'm glad I started this thread it's been very helpful in challenging my thoughts thanks all for your input. I suppose I now have to navigate this going forward hurting their feelings as little as possible.

I don't want to see his family less. I make loads of effort with them. I want to, because I think that's important. So i do find it disappointing that he won't do the same and I don't think he's in the right but I can see I've been asking too much of him.

No politics is an obvious starting point.

It is very difficult when you are around children who are patented much different from how you parent and I battled that at my PILs for years,

Honestly it makes it very unenjoyable - why do I have to go to bed they are allowed up? Why am I not allowed sweets for dinner they are having them. Why can't I join in with the hitting game? Etc etc

Once my other SIL had kids we formed an alliance and it was much easier.

I agree with others - holidays is pushing it too far.

Put simply, he won’t change because it doesn’t matter to him like it does to you. Because they aren’t high status people in his world. Don’t make them socialise with someone who won’t reciprocate. It’s sad to come to terms with, but hopefully he has other good qualities that mean you can put up with this for the sake of your kids having a stable family.

I think reframing it away from who's 'right' and who's 'wrong' would be helpful. It just different strokes for different folks. Some people are close with their in-laws, some aren't. Some are all about the extended family, some prefer their nuclear family. Some people want to make an effort with people, others think if someone is good company you don't need to make a huge effort etc.

He sounds pretty self regarding to me. Fine if you are happy living your life with someone like that but are you sure you wouldn't be happier with a kind and generous man?

I love my family but wouldn't go on holiday with them, I think that's a lot for most people and their in laws.

He should be polite and respectful though, thee as is just common courtesy.

Why did you make your DH go on holiday with people he doesn’t really like? No wonder he wasn’t happy. I’m amazed he turned up.

He's a right wing strict parent who can't socialise with women unless he's got another man there as an "ally" and sulks to the point of rudeness to make his feelings known.

Right?! That's what I got from the OP. Your relatives probably don't like this man either, he doesn't sound appealing, do you need to inflict him on your relatives?

Absolutely this. Why go on holiday together when they don’t really get on? Its a recipe fir complete disaster. I got on fine with my in laws but the thought of spending a week away with them - God no!

And I have to say I’m with him on this point

he doesn't see that when he married me he married my family

Polite, friendly and respectful yes but he’s not ‘married to your family’

When he married you, it was just you, OP - not your family. All the advice above is good but, basically, see your family without him. That way, everyone is happy. If he has to be there, steer clear of politics. But, also, be on his side - he is your husband , so should be your priority.

Pps have hit it on the head really. @dijonketchup its sad and it isn't what I wanted but yes he has other qualities that make me want to stay and of course a stable home for dc is a huge priority. @dermalermalurd - we are usually happy. Yes it's possible in another life I might be happier with someone else (although they might not have all the good qualities of dh!) But now we've had our dc I feel like I've made my bed anyway... I'd only leave if I was desperately unhappy, which I am not. I just need to make my peace with this.