Changing my mind over having children

[HappyKite2067]

I’m not quite sure where to put this but I’ve changed my mind around wanting children.

I’ve had a chronic illness for the past 5/6 years and it’s consistently getting worse. I always wanted children but in the last 6 months I’ve realised it would not be fair on them or on me to have them.

My DH is rightly upset but also trying to convince me that my illness should not be a barrier. Anybody been in a similar situation or made a similar choice? How has this impacted your relationship? I’ve told DH he can leave, as I’d never expect someone to not have children who wants them (although selfishly I’d love him to stay).

Oh that's tough! I think personally the person who doesn't want the children gets the deciding vote.

Whilst I'm assuming he thinks he's being supportive with his illness is not a barrier attitude, respectfully he won't have to carry a baby for 10 months or actually give birth to the baby, so perhaps he needs to relax on that point. I understand totally your DHs attempts to change your mind, it's a huge part of relationships / marriage and how people picture their life going and is probably really hard to come to terms with when you think the choice is being taken away from you.

However he's married you, he's having a relationship and life with you - not some hypothetical children you may / may not have. It's completely up to him if your actual relationship is worth staying for vs. the potential family he could have elsewhere.

Oh Man, you are pulling at my heart strings. I have a family member with an autoimmune disease and they decided to have children, was it the best choice. In my eyes no, but it is not due the condition. I feel for both you and your partner. To know that you desire to be a Mother, but knowing the struggle you might face if you do so, and your partner wanting and believing you two can create something wonderful together is Amazing. Everyone is entitled to their beliefs, opinions and feelings and you have stated yours. As far as him being upset, idk what he is feeling. But as long as you are not feeling pressured, but supported is what matters.

I am very sorry you have been so poorly and it has had such a profound impact on your life. It must have been a very difficult few years for you both.

I wonder if you are giving yourself space to give your DH’s insights a fair hearing? Sometimes I have a pessimistic POV, and my DH challenges that, and he is right. Chronic illness is incredibly draining and difficult. I wonder if your change of mind is a symptom of burn out rather than a life-long decision you have determined over time?

Having kids is really hard, but also really, really great. I wonder whether you would tell a disabled person they aren’t being fair on their offspring by procreating. Maybe not? I wonder if the positive side of kids (and for your kids having you and DH as loving, nurturing parents) could outweigh the difficulty?

I wonder if it might help to speak to a therapist who specialises in chronic illness to help chat this decision through, maybe with both of you together?

These “I wonder”s really are just that - wonderings. You’ve made, or are in the process of making, a really big decision, and I guess I’m just hoping to be helpful with proposing different angles or questions to think about too. That’s what I find helpful. Sorry if it’s not!

I also think, in terms of your relationship, it’ll really help for your DH to feel heard, and like you’re actually considering his reasoning and opinion, and you haven’t just made up your mind by yourself without consulting him. I personally don’t think this is a one-person decision, I think both spouses have a right to really wrestle with this idea and figuring out if the facts/practical elements of your life together really aren’t compatible with kids, and to discuss (even debate!) it together in a supportive and caring environment.

The only thing I agree with that you have said is that it isn’t a decision that only one person in the relationship can make.

However, the rest of your comment is patronising at best. This doesn’t sound like a decision that the OP is taking lightly and didn’t in any way suggest that disabled people were being unfair having children. She knows the impact of her health and the chronic illness is already having on her. Pregnancy is hardly a breeze without a chronic illness and babies (and then children) are exhausting and physically demanding.

OP - I feel for you and this can’t be an easy conversation for you to have with your partner or an easy decision to be grappling with. At the end of the day, you need to do what is best for you.

As someone with a chronic health condition, your position is a reasonable one. Point out that you don’t want to put him in the position of leaving work to be carer for you and your DC, that the risk is too big.

It’s ok for him to look on the bright side, to be convinced that together you’ll ’find a way’. Reality is, your health is on the line as well as the financial viability of your family.

If your chronic illness is still getting worse, then it is entirely sensible for you to be thinking you will most likely be too unwell for children - the pregnancy, the birth, and 18 years of childcare. I don’t know if the doctors have much insight they can give you? I’m guessing they may not know much about your illness (as you’re female…) You may end up unable to care for yourself, never mind anyone else. Definitely don’t give in to any pressure. Hope DH starts to understand soon, and hope he stays 💐

I'm sorry you're I'm this situation. Your decision not to have kids is the right and responsible one.

Fair enough and thanks for the pov!

Hi OP,
I also have a chronic condition.
Apart from myself never wanting children,
when I told my then partner, now husband of 20 years, he was more than fine with it and there sincerely aren't any problems in the marriage.
I guess (obviously I'm biased) your husband is gonna be alright 😁

Oh, apologies.

He actually wants children?
That's tough. 🍀

Hi,

Im sorry to hear you are also ill! Yes he wants lots of children and always has. I’ve always wanted 1 or 2, so we’d hypothetically agreed on 2 ( but my thoughts were always ‘let’s see what he thinks after 1 ha!).

The Drs are pretty useless, I’ve been under a couple of different specialists over the years but they don’t talk to each other, so I’ve got several separate diagnosis which I imagine has one underlying issue. They’ve said it’s autoimmune and are a bit back and forth with which one, but no tests have been conclusive, except from my WBC being extremely low.

Initially I managed quite well but in the last 18 months I keep getting more infections which then seem to leave me worse off, fatigue, pain, limb control, cognitive function. If it was how it was at the beginning, then yes I think I’d manage children but like you said, it progressing (with no way of knowing how bad) is the concern.

I think you are spot on here with the ‘bright side’ and I think it tends to be easier for him to do so because he sees my mask a lot of the time. Sometimes it slips but those days he assumes are infrequent but really that’s how I feel all the time, I just have to keep going for financial reasons. I also don’t want to be a snappy mum because I’m burnt out and in pain.

Yes I think he knows I want children and he wants us to find some solution. From his perspective it’s hard for him to imagine how we would not manage, but I just about get through each day at the moment and I cannot imagine adding a child onto that!

I got sick quite early in our relationship and he still chose to stay, so I do think it will be tough for him as I know he thinks the world of the relationship. If I could guarantee he would meet someone and have children, then I think I would advise he does but he could also leave and never find someone and even if he does- maybe that person can’t have children?

Whilst that is very sad for you both, do not be pressured into having a child.
Having children is the hardest, most relentless job and whilst wonderful too, it doesn't negate the huge effort involved.

Part of having children is absolutely wanting the very best for them and huge guilt if you feel you are failing them.

I think you are very wise to realise that your health is fluid and you do not need the additional burden of feelings of guilt and failure.

You deserve the best quality of life for yourself, as best you can manage it.

I wish you well.

I have a chronic condition too which only really showed itself after I had dc2

I wouldn’t advise you to try and push through. I had no choice but it lowered my baseline again and again and made my QoL worse.

Also if tye issue is low WBC, you’re going to have a hell of a time with children. They’re going to make you constantly ill because children are very good at catching every bug going and sharing it with parents.

Having said all that, I think you need an honest chat with your dh about your health.
It’s all well and good to put a mask on and push through but your dh needs to wake up to how unwell you are. He needs to realise it might make you too unwell to do anything, incl looking after said children. Is he happy to take the risk of basically being a single dad?
Because I hit the ‘I can’t work or do anything. I’m housebound/bed bound’ when my dcs were teens. Dh didn’t take well to have to do all the hw and cooking. But he wasn’t really needed to ‘look after them’ too…

Darling, I try not to be a burden but I barely get through each day with our current situation. I keep going with work and home because I have no choice, but it is a struggle every day.
Two things worry me about having children- pregnancy and labour are likely to make my health worse, and I won’t be able to recover with a small baby. Being a parent is hugely demanding. I’d go into pregnancy my body barely coping, increase the demands on my body with pregnancy and childbirth, then be trying to look after a child - all on top of what we currently do and with a body that’s been through the wringer.

I would have loved children but think I’d be an irresponsible fool to risk it now. I would love to be healthy enough to do this for us- but I’m not.

The thing is, the world downplays the impact of pregnancy and birth on women. It devalues it. That’s why he thinks it’s ok.

Also because men dint normally take on 50%, let alone 90% of the responsibilities.
So it looks easy TO HIM.
(I note that the OP nor her dh has even raised the possibility of him doing 90% of the HW, parenting etc to make it possible….)

The reality is that he’d have to take on more than 50% of the childcare and parenting for it to even possibly work.

This is so hard. I think you’re being extremely reasonable and responsible OP, and it must be heartbreaking.

The only thing I disagree with in your position is suggesting your husband is free to go and have children with someone else. That’s not what marriage is, at least traditionally. “For better for worse, in sickness and in health.” This is sickness, and maybe it’s also for worse, at least from his perspective. Tough. Suck it up. He married you when you were sick and then you got sicker. Accepting that, and the consequences that go with it, is a part of marriage. His job now is not to stew resentfully, but to love and support you for as long as you need it.

This is another factor swaying me, I still, despite my illness, do much more of the housework and emotional labour. There’s been many a word had around this but not much has changed over the years. I’m not resentful of it, as I know I can’t change him and many men are similar, but if children were involved, I might not be able to do everything.

I'm so sorry to hear you're in this situation.

Some conditions can improve during pregnancy. Is it a condition that pregnancy can have a positive or negative impact on?
Could you and DH do more research into that if it may help?

Well this is the crux of it. Pregnancy and birth can be very hard on a healthy able bodied woman, and if you're not in good health already, having a baby is gambling with however many "good" years you may have left if your conditions are progressive. Also, what if they're hereditary?

If he was really serious, he wouldn't have been leaving all the grunt work to you.

Babies and children are bloody hard work. Relentless. It's not just a lovely instance of playing in the park, or Christmas around the tree, or having fun reading with them, and days out. It's getting up 4+ times a night to feed the baby, or missing out on social events because baby needs to go to bed, or looking after a vomiting 6 year old all day and night, or having to get up again after you just sat down to stop your toddler grabbing something they shouldn't, and trying to juggle work around school holidays, and do they need new pants/shoes/school uniform, when do they need the dentist. It's all relentless. It all takes a toll. And it's all going to be on you, regardless of how ill you feel or how tired you are because he won't do it.

Well that’s the clincher. He already allows you to do more than your fair share. He’s happy to let you carry on and indeed take on new responsibilities.

But I wouldn’t raise it with him. With the best will in the world, he’d inevitably demonstrate that he’s changed and finally understands, and will indeed pull his weight…. For a while. Possibly until you are pregnant. Maybe until the baby is born. Sadly no matter how well intentioned he is, he’s already demonstrated that actually he just can’t be relied on to pull his weight.

If he is happy to leave do most if the HW and emotional labour knowing you are ill and struggling, then he has no respect nor care for you in the first place.
It’s not going to change if you have a child. I agree there.