Relate Mediation - anyone done it?

[LambChopsMcGee]

So as a next step in the nonsense with my ex
(see https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/5199663-changing-contact-daysswaps-issues-with-difficult-ex?reply=139466616) I think we will go to mediation.

My preference is shuttle mediation - ie we speak separately to a mediator. I don't think he wants that but I am wary of his ways and I did two rounds of couples therapy with him when I desperately wanted out of the relationship and he was refusing. It feels like another way to control me, but I need to get away from that thinking....

Has anyone done mediation with Relate and could share experiences? We are just doing this to sort out a new parenting plan/schedule as we have been living apart for 2 years. DD currently swaps houses daily but this is not working for me now and he has sent me a document that limits my ability to change contact days. I suggested weekly and he refused, so have suggested 2,2,5. He isn't keen, partly as DD prefers daily, but he also says the 5 night thing would interfere with his marathon training...

Thanks in advance for any advice or experiences.

He’s abusive. It is not advisable to attend mediation with an abuser as they will use it to further abuse you. I would go back to the police and press charges for the abuse you have evidence of. He has no right to dictate how you live your life. He is using your child and child contact to control you. Time to put your foot down. Do not accept this behaviour. I would advise you to contact women’s aid and also seek legal advice regarding the kind of child contact arrangement you think will work for your daughter and you. Let him take you to court and tell them you want equal care as has been happening minus the family dinner and shared special occasions. Courts like to make sure contact is regular and in the best interests of the child. It shouldn’t be used as a method of control over the other parent. If he doesn’t pay maintenance for your child, get on to cms and put in a claim for that.

Thank you.

I fear we will have to try mediation initially, though I am having a call later in the week and will ask for separate meetings with the mediator.

He said to me he is getting legal advice though so I am also looking into this.

Do you know how court would go? Do we each put forward what we want and the court decides what's best? Would the harassment be relevant to that? If the court puts something in place is that then set in stone or can we swap things if we need (work trips etc?). I know this sounds naive. I've never thought it would get this far.

I asked on the legal thread as well in case.

We are 50/50 custody so my understanding was there was no maintenance needed?

Urgh that's a shame. Especially as the initial £98 for the first meeting-about-meetings has basically bankrupted me for the month. He knows money's tight though so the cynic in me wonders if that's the point