Can a marriage survive living separately?

[Livingseparately]

I've been with my DH for 5 years, married for 2. He has a 13yo son who lives with us FT and we share 11mo twins.

I've always struggled with having my DSS here FT, but feel like we've all sort of adapted to the seismic changes that have occured in a very short space time, and our home is generally a happy one. DH works and I stay at home and work very occasionally. I cook and clean and look after the kids. DSS is ND, and as of this academic year, I've been homeschooling him, but this is a temporary measure. DH is very supportive, very generous- I really cannot fault him. But things have got increasingly difficult for me in recent months. I suffer from crippling PND, and have a bunch of other issues: abusive father, parent's recently separated, we don't have any extended family nearby so no support network, I had to move to a new city once we got married and feel very isolated here. Sometimes I feel suffocated here, in this city but also in my home. I have no study space, no space that is solely mine. I have little time for myself - my DSS is more demanding than the twins. I don't drive. The city is cold and cast and lonely. I hate leaving the house after the dark, or without my DH. I've just lost myself entirely here. My DSS is also going through a difficult time- his mum swans in and out of his life as she pleases, and often with very little notice. DSS is becoming increasingly withdrawn, lacks focus, and is struggling with his school work.

I have an opportunity to move back to the city I lived in before I married. If I relocated it would mean I'd be living with the twins, while my DH and DSS stay here. Job prospects are better for me in my old city. I was very happy there. It's small, easy to get around, I have close friends there. My DSS would get more one and one time with his father through these difficult teenage years. Eventually they would either need to move down and join me, or I'd have to move back north. Neither me or my DH envision living separately as a permanent solution. Is this idea ridiculous? Can a marriage survive this set up?

If I’m honest I don’t think so - could you all move together as a unit? Can you find a school for your step son as having to home educate him while looking after twins sounds extremely hard work

The home school side of this sounds so incredibly difficult. I agree that looking at a school setting for him that works could change how you feel about everything.

Conceptually - yes. I have friends who live separately, quite happily. However they are older and there are no children at home. And they have never lived together. They spend a lot of time together and stay over at each other's houses regularly but keep their own homes and have time apart. They both seem happy and have been married for almost 20 years now.

In your situation, where you have young children and you are already living together, I'm not sure. What about the impact to the children living apart from each other?

I think that sounds like a great idea. You have to change ur current situation or you will sink. I read ur post and felt claustrophobed by the situation. Maybe until your DSS gets thru the next few years then you can rethink - he’s 13 now so give it 3-5yrs away and then decide if you want to live together after that.

Also I wonder if your DSS situation with his (emotionally abusive?) mum is triggering your memory? Another reason why you need to remove urself.

Thank you so much for your responses.

My husband and DSS won't be able to move so quickly. It would take months and even then I will have no real guarantee. We'd also need a considerably large place to accommodate everyone which will be much more expensive down south. I think I could manage a small apartment for myself and the twins.

I have three oncern about moving down: firstly is managing the babies myself. I get a lot of help from my DH and even my DSS that allows me to nip to the bathroom for a minute or lay down on the sofa for a 5 min rest. I'm not sure if I'd be able to afford much childcare if I move. Secondly, I feel guilty about depriving my DSS and DH of their siblings and children and my DC of their father and brother. And lastly, I don't know if a marriage can survive such a set up.