Apparently my dad is still angry with me

[TheMallard]

I had a falling out with my farther last September. Have been NC since he sent a nasty email to me. Part of it said he wanted details of an account in DH’s sole name so he could send DS’s birthday money to it. DH doesn’t have one, so he sent November birthday money to our joint account.

This year he's sent DS a cheque. So apparently he’s still angry with me for standing up to him. I just don’t get it.

You choose to go no contact with him so I don’t think sending a cheque made out direct to the child is unreasonable.

What did you fall out over? Do you want to make up?

Something happened that was bad enough to go NC. You are still NC. He could be posting, ‘Apparently my daughter is still angry with me. We fell out last September and she’s refused to speak to me ever since.’

He’s not going to stop being angry while you are NC. Why would he? It’s just another thing to be angry about.

People are weird with NC. They seem to think that the other person is doing NC wrongly. The whole point is the connection is severed. What the other person does is now irrelevant.

What do you not get? It's perfectly obvious. You've refused to speak to him for a year, of course he's still angry. Where did you expect his anger to go when there's been no resolution?

I had a poor relationship with my dad too and keeping that distance was best for me.
But it still hurts that a parent can be so unkind. A part of you hopes that they care enough to at least try and see your side of the situation.
It sounds like your dad can hold grudges for a long time. He might never stop being angry that you stood up to him. I'm sorry you're going through this OP.
Without knowing anything about your relationship, you might have to be the one to offer the olive branch if you want to have him back in your life. Or you might need to just come to terms with the fact you've not got the dad you wanted/ needed and that will never change.
Sending you virtual hugs.

The reason for the NC- summer 2023 when we were visiting him, out of nowhere he mentioned something silly I did as a teenager and said I was “a silly little bitch” for doing it. He refused to apologise at the time. Then he emailed me in the September asking when we were visiting for Christmas, so I said “after what you said last time we visited, I’m not sure I want to”. A few days later, he sent me a nasty email listing all my faults and failings. I tried once more to get an apology, he didn’t, so I went NC.

I’m still comfortable with my decision. I just amazed that he’s gone to the extra effort of writing a cheque rather than do a bank transfer to an account with my name on it.

Do you have any conflict resolution skills @TheMallard?

You won't go through life with no one ever saying unkind things to you. A rational responce to a single unkind comment is not uninviting them to Christmas.

Well his turn of phrase is unpleasant but you said you were silly, so I’m not sure why you are so upset. Would it have been ok if he’d said silly little girl instead? If so then I think it’s a crazy response to a single word.
i would imagine that asking when you are coming for Christmas and sending money to your child are meant to be conciliatory.

Going nc is supposed to save you the emotional turmoil, by caring that he sent a cheque you are keeping yourself invested. Get your child to send a thank you letter and be done with it.

It wasn’t the single word! It was the long email which made me think in the first paragraph “wow, my dad hates me”.

And I didn’t uninvite him for Christmas. We were supposed to be going to him over the Christmas period but not on the day.

You’re right @Hillrunning .

No, don't do this.

Send the cheque back.

One of the reasons I don't let my son have a relationship with his grandmother (my MIL who I cut off because she was emotionally abusive amongst other things) is because there's nothing stopping that person doing to that child the same things they did to their own kids. End the cycle completely.

Your dad sounds like a misogynistic wanker. There's a lot of them around, galling that some even hate their own daughters, but they do. I wouldn't forgive either. Forget about the cheque, continue with NC.

Calling someone a bitch is pretty nasty. It's not the silly that's the problem. I wouldn't be inclined to want to spend time with someone who called me that either.

My mums abit like your dad. She calls her grandchildren little bitches. I was called a stroppy cow. I hate both those words to describe children. My mum only says it when she's finding a fault in the child's behaviour. She doesn't scream at them or say it to them. But also she loves bringing up my teen years to remind me I didn't deal with stuff in the way she would have liked.

You are a fully grown adult now. Humiliating you with the years you were not fully grown or matured for life is unfair. He was a teenager once. Sure he didn't have the wisdom of a 50 year old at 14!

There seems to be a lot of parent cancelling these days.
I don't have a good relationship with mine so I moved 300 miles away and went low contact for my own sanity, that suits me just fine.
I most certainly don't do Christmas. Low contact is fine.

I think you are still angry with him and it would be better to just be direct and say calling you a bitch is horrible. The rest seems a bit silly.

I agree strongly with this.

Have a read of this and see if it applies…www.newportinstitute.com/resources/mental-health/narcissistic-parent/ www.newportinstitute.com/resources/mental-health/narcissistic-parent/]]]]

Don't send the cheque back to him, that is just another form of engaging with him.
Just tear it up. Bin it. End of. Your DS does not need his money.

Then carry on being NC.

I do feel for you, what an arsehole your dad sounds. And a petty, childish coward. Fancy sending an email listing all your "faults" - pathetic!

As for the cheque, does your son even know what it is, how to pay it into an account etc? Your dad is just making more work for you while remaining in his sulky state of high dudgeon. Again, pathetic!

I don't blame you at all being NC with him & can't think what would be the best thing to do with the cheque. You'll be in the wrong, with your dad, whatever you do. He'll be moaning "she only wants my money" or "she didn't even let me give my grandson a birthday present". Given that he'll moan either way, I think I'd just bin it, uncashed then he can have the mental burden of wondering what's got on & you can just forget it.

Could he be trying to reopen communication? After all, if you've blocked him and don't communicate with him, he's not forgotten your child.