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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I being strung along

19 replies

Sweetlove23 · 02/11/2024 21:23

Been seeing each other casually for 3 months. I have feelings but play it cool most of the time. A few times I’ve said I can’t do it anymore but he’s reeled me back in. The last month has been lovely, we’ve been in constant contact and have seen each other 2-3 times a week sometimes we go out.
However every so often through the whole time I’ve known him, he has these episodes where he gets down about life. But this last week has been quite bad. We were fine texting over weekend about it but Monday onwards he went quite distant with me. So Friday I asked if we could arrange something soon. He said yes. But then said he would let me know when, normally he asks when I’m free. So I asked if he still wanted to continue. He said he was having a bad time and needed time to sort his head out. I said I’d leave him alone. He said he did not want me to leave him alone but he gets like this sometimes. proceeded to tell me he gets lonely etc, I said come out with me as we both in same boat. He said we’d sort something out. I then said text me later if you want, not expecting him to at all. But he did and said sorry I’ve been distant, it nothing about us, I love spending time with you, I’m not seeing anyone else just going through a hard time. The next day I said I hoped he had a better day to which he said thanks and he knows I’m being kind. I left it with I don’t like to see people down, he needs to work through it and I’d leave him be.
not heard from him since.
Do we think this is legit or just a way of trying to make distance in the hope I get the hint?
If it is legit, how much space do I give him?
I’ve given him ample opportunities to stop it which would be easier for me, so if he wants to stop why can’t he just say so.
im frustrated and thank you for reading this far!

OP posts:
OchAyeTheN00 · 02/11/2024 21:28

Why haven’t you committed? Is that his choice? Sounds a bit like an excuse to keep you in the background if I’m honest. But I’m old school, me and my husband committed immediately!

Kaleidoscopic101 · 02/11/2024 21:31

Do you have any idea what the 'stuff in his head' is? Don't forget your own feelings in all of this. Appreciate you are making some allowances for him but it's absolutely fine for you to vocalise how you feel too.

UhhhhhhhOK · 02/11/2024 21:32

Ahh. This sounds like work. Are you prepared for this, or want something more easy going?

it’s easy to get really wound up in this situation.

Sweetlove23 · 02/11/2024 21:32

@OchAyeTheN00 yes his choice. I guess I just want him to say let’s stop this if he doesn’t want to anymore and I’ve given him opportunity to do that.

OP posts:
OchAyeTheN00 · 02/11/2024 21:36

Some people are cowards. If he backs off and you end it, he’s not the bad guy. Plenty of people out there who just can’t use their words.

honestly lack of commitment and blowing hot and cold screams to me that you’re convenient when he’s got nobody else on the scene. If he won’t commit to you then move on and stop wasting your time. He’s just not that into you.

Sweetlove23 · 02/11/2024 21:36

@Kaleidoscopic101 i have an idea yes. I guess I don’t want to annoy him if he needs time but then he did say I don’t want you to leave me alone so I don’t really know what I’m doing.

@UhhhhhhhOK i guess I just want to know if he wants to stop it but I’ve asked and he said no but I’m still not sure.

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 02/11/2024 21:38

why bother ?

how old are you ? 23 as in your user name

when did you actually last see him ?

OchAyeTheN00 · 02/11/2024 21:38

I had a friend who would ignore texts, cancel plans etc. I called her out on it, and said if you don’t want to be friends any more, just say. She wouldn’t. But her actions made it clear she wasn’t interested. In the end I just stopped contacting her, and I never heard from her again. Wasn’t a huge shock.

Sweetlove23 · 02/11/2024 21:39

@OchAyeTheN00 i know but then why say I don’t want you to leave me alone. Surely if you didn’t want it anymore you wouldn’t say that. Should I just end it and be done with it?

OP posts:
UhhhhhhhOK · 02/11/2024 21:40

Focus on yourself and your mental health x
Mind games are hard work imho.

Sweetlove23 · 02/11/2024 21:41

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon yes 23 and saw him last weekend.

OP posts:
OchAyeTheN00 · 02/11/2024 21:43

He’s saying it because he needs someone to sleep with during the quiet spells and you’ll do quite nicely OP.

but mark my words if someone better comes along you’ll never see him again.

drop him.

Sweetlove23 · 02/11/2024 21:45

@OchAyeTheN00 i know you are right. Just wanted to get the general consensus.

OP posts:
OchAyeTheN00 · 02/11/2024 21:46

Respect yourself OP. You deserve someone who wants to lock you down and stop anyone else catching your eye. Not someone who will string you along and waste your time. Plenty of lovely guys out there.

Kaleidoscopic101 · 02/11/2024 21:49

It reminds me of that song by Beautiful South I need 'A Little Time' ...to think things over..I suspect you are deserv-ed and destined for something more OP.

RedHelenB · 02/11/2024 22:01

You're mistake is relying on him to name decisions about this. You need to say what you want and if it doesn't match what he wants ( remember actions not words) then tine to look elsewhere.

Opentooffers · 02/11/2024 22:20

Casual only works if you both feel that way. Once one of you gets feelings, it needs to end. If you find it hard to let go after 3 months of the push-pull treatment, think how rough it's going to be after 6 months or a year.
He doesn't want to get close to anyone for his own messy reasons, but he hasn't worked out how to go about casual either, so instead of having boundaries like you do as fwb, he slips into acing like a BF, then all it takes is a little reciprocation from you and too nice of a time, and he runs away.
He's scared of developing feelings, that's different to being clear that you aren't going to get feelings and just in it for the fun of it. FWB, don't text each other daily, they often don't date ( though may do as the friend part).
He's not going to develop sudden emotional maturity and stop behaving this way with you. To ever hope of sorting himself out he will need counselling/therapy of some sort and shouldn't try dating anyone meantime.
If you don't pull away from this he will drag you down and you'll find yourself using all your headspace on analysing why? Why is not as important as having clear boundaries of how you want to be treated and sticking to following through with consequences when those boundaries are broken. Why is not your problem, that's for him to sort out, preferably alone.

GentlemanJay · 02/11/2024 23:28

Sounds like hard work to me. Can you imagine a life like this. Ups then downs.

Cuppachino · 03/11/2024 14:00

I had a boyfriend like this when I was your age. It just went on and on for about 2 years. I regret just not ditching him when he started all the nonsense. I never found out what the 'stuff going on' was.

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