I'm writing this because I need to get it off my chest but know there's no point telling you. It's been 6 months since I gave you a hug goodbye , you asked if we could just carry on having sex without the relationship part, I told you to take care and walked away after 2 and a half years.
Our first year was so idyllic, it was like you read the script in my head,you just always said the right things and we had so much fun but slowly, gradually the fun went. Everything you'd said in that 1st year, what you liked, what you wanted was all lies but instead of being honest you just made excuses and/or let me down. But it was always my fault apparently, I was wrong to get upset or disappointed when you cancelled our plans for the 3rd/10th/20th time. There was something wrong with me not liking the same food/film/music as you, because your taste in these things was always right. If I was pleased with something I had achieved, I had a big head, I was arrogant, thought I was always right but you could boast about your life because you're good at what you do.
A year spent with you telling me how much you fancied me, thought I was sexy, thought you could fall in love with me, thought you could marry me, had never met anyone like me became constant digs about my hair style or colour, the clothes I wore, my weight, my face - you now hated my hair, thought I was fat, thought I was ugly, told me there was nothing sexy about me, that no man would ever find me attractive. What am I getting upset about? I took it the wrong way, I was too sensitive, I was making a fuss, you'd had a bit to drink, you didn't mean it. You was always the hero of your life, sometimes the victim and I was always the villain. If I wanted to do something I was a psycho or a control freak but you always expected me to do what you wanted to do.
And walking on eggshells and biting my tongue became the norm for me, because somehow and I still don't know how, I didn't stand up for myself anymore because it would cause more insults and more of me feeling sad and disappointed in myself, that I wasn't good enough. But I kept hoping that the man I'd known, the lovely, thoughtful, complimentary kindred spirit would return and everything would be OK again.
So I walked away, devastated and we kept in touch, just a few messages every month and you told me you missed me and you thought about me all the time and I thought yes, I did mean something to him, he did care about me - just a little, I knew we'd never get back together because you are too selfish but we had a friendship I thought. Then you read my last message, never replied and never got back in contact and I heard you had a new girlfriend, no explanation, just silence and then I get told by other people that you've met someone new and already talking about getting married.
And I want to tell you how fking angry I am, that you lied to me,that you were so selfish, that you spent a year promising so much and then just became this different man, that I didn't recognise and just wanted the man I thought I knew back. I'm so fking angry that I put up with it and didn't walk away after that first year, me who never puts up with crap, and that I sit here still wondering what I did that stopped you liking me and started you treating me with so little respect. I want you to realise what you did. I want you to apologise, to explain even though I know you'd just lie, like you always did. So you've moved on and I'm sat here, knowing I shouldn't let your comments get to me but I do look at my self and see myself through your eyes - overweight, aging and unattractive and I hate you for that. But I hate myself more for thinking that. And I hate that I can't tell you this because you just wouldn't care so I've just sat here and poured it all out so hopefully I will stop envisaging a thousand different scenarios where we meet and what I'd say because I need to move on and get you out of my head - not in a nice poppy Kylie Minogue way.
Thank you Mumsnet for letting me use this space to rant. It's been going round and round my head for the last couple of months, since he hooked up with a new girlfriend and I hate that I keep thinking about it. I'm hoping writing it down will help draw a line.