Advise on compartmentalising my husband please !

[Barnby]

I’ve married a man who is very different to me. He’s logical, dependable and a problem solver. Im someone who very much follows my emotions, I’m full of love, I’m passionate and tactile. As time has gone on I’ve found myself suppressing my emotionality. He’s content that we have an amicable partnership bringing up our children, and that is emotional connection enough. I’m so angry and full of hate for him, but also so desperate to love him the way I would want to love.

I realise I’m a fool for thinking he would develop into an emotionally literate man, but I really did and when we met I thought he was just shy.

We have talked about divorce and he wouldn’t agree to a divorce, he’s also said in anger he would pitch everything he’s got against me. He earns significantly more than me, and tbh much more clever than me. I couldn’t bear the idea of not being with my children all the time.

Im so full of anger and hurt, and it’s impacting on my family. My little boy said I was a mean mummy today and I completely lost my temper, so I showed him that I am indeed a mean mummy. I’ve never had any positive feedback from my husband about myself as a mother. Itvhas not been easy becoming a mother and my own childhood experiences have resurfaced, but I’m so desperate to be a brilliant mother.

im wanting advice please for me to find a way of managing my emotions, being a brilliant mother and being able to compartmentalise my husband or something.

Get some counselling sessions

why do women marry men expecting that they'll change?

Counselling for you alone not with your dh.

Agree with PP, get some individual counselling to deal with your own issues that becoming a mother have brought up. Also, it’s sounds like your husband might be controlling. Threatening to throw everything at your should you want to divorce is quite concerning. I think you should focus on yourself and building a strong, healthy relationship with your children atm. Get the connection you need from friends and family. Build yourself up and then, decide where you want to go from there.

I don’t know if I can edit my original post - but just wanted to clarify the part where my little boy called me a mean mummy.

‘my little boy said I was a mean mummy today and I completely lost my temper and shouted. By losing my temper I demonstrated that I was indeed a mean mummy.’

but you loved him enough to marry @Barnby

what's changed for you?

He wants to be himself, why can't you just be yourself now?

You were obviously compatible once.

Impossible to tell whether or to what extent he is controlling and whether his threats regarding divorce are real or simply lashing out. However, your posts suggest that you are somewhat idealistic in your expectations and have difficulty regulating your emotions. Your focus on being a 'brilliant mother' (whatever that means) seems unfocused and unrealistic.

I agree with PPs that counselling, for yourself initially, would be a good idea.

Do you like reading? If you do I highly recommend Why Women Talk and Men Walk or How to Improve Your Relationship without Talking about It. Written by a male-female team of family therapists so both perspectives given. As for you shouting... I grew up in an angry and dysfunctional family so I sympathise. What has helped me was a daily chanting of Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo, an ancient Buddhist mantra. More on pronunciation and meaning on SGI-UK website if you are interested in finding more

I don’t think she should have counselling alone, I think this is the kind of situation where couples counselling might be useful. Counselling alone also if you find that helpful, I think giving him a chance to address the issues might be worth a shot. If you do intend to leave, don’t worry about his threats, you’ll have a whole history of who has been the main care giver to the children, he can throw whatever he wants at you, you will be extremely unlikely to get anything less than 50% custody, likely more, as I assume he works hours that wouldn’t fit around the children, and I’m assuming you’ve moulded your entire life around the children as is often the case.

He doesn't need to agree to a divorce. He can't make you stay married to him if you don't want to be. Just get a decent solicitor if he's likely to try to pull a fast one financially.

You get used to having child-free time - it's difficult to start with, but you do get used to it.

He can't not agree to a divorce.
I'm not being harsh , but why did you marry him?

I can relate to this. My solution has been to look after myself. When I stopped looking to him for all the things I wanted in a husband, we were both so much happier. Accepting who he is and making the most of it, letting go of the disappointment and hurt that he isn’t who you hoped he would be, reimagining my life in a way that worked for me too- hobbies etc, not waiting for him to join in, just getting on with it.

We worked out a much better balance and are so much happier. He was permanently feeling out of his depth by my apparent neediness. He can give much more now he isn’t being defensive.

try it.