Relationship with myself

[Navigando]

This is a strange one and I wasn't sure where to put it or what title to give it. It could possibly have gone in divorce, mental health too.

So, a bit of context. I'm separated and getting divorced after 25 years and 28 years together. My choice. We were dragging each other down and I just couldn't go on like that. Two young adult dc who are students. I've also lost both parents and live in another country to the rest of my remaining family, and have done for 30 years. I'm early 50s.

My childhood wasn't great. Bereavement, unhappy dysfunctional blended family, never feeling like I belonged or was loved which, I now realize, is what made me move abroad.

I can't afford therapy so I'm using online resources to navigate through this phase. The expression "midlife crisis" doesn't do it justice. I feel that my whole sense of self has collapsed, along with the rest of my life.
I'm grieving my parents, my marriage, the life I had, the dreams I had, the unmet needs, my family life...

I am learning a lot about myself, relationships, (childhood) trauma.
I am making progress in that I am learning to feel, name and accept difficult emotions, to confront certain demons and shadows. I am aware that this healing journey will take time.

There are things that I can't change that I need to accept, grieve and let go of. Like the fact that I didn't have a happy and secure family as a child, and I wasn't able to build a happy and secure marriage and family as an adult.
I need to learn to love and forgive myself for that. I also need to believe that I can build a happy life. The thing is, I just don't know if it's possible, oe what it would look like.

My question is, is it unrealistic to think I can be "happy"? How can I be when my life is never going to be how I want it to be? Would it be better to just accept that it's not going to happen?

Can anyone relate?

If you can manage to do it, slow down.

You’re doing a lot of very hard work at the moment. You’ve made some brave choices. But as you say, you don’t know what ‘happy’ looks like for you yet - just how you thought it would look.

You might find that as you get further on with acceptance and forgiveness, happy comes to look like something different. But it’s probably too soon to know what that is.

I think you are very brave OP. So take heart in that, you took control of your life back.

Living on your own and healing is a process. Some people feel lonely but once through the other side of that they start feeling a sense of strength and good boundaries.

I think trying to be more mindful helped me, not letting my thoughts drift back in time to things you can't change. Not letting guilt seep in, it's a pointless emotion.

Instead I focussed on the now, if I am walking I'll listen to the trees, really notice the life around me.

It gave me a sense of being engaged in my life and yes feelings of happiness emerged.

IME taking stock of one's life is something that comes to us all.

There is an introspection that takes place and this can be deep and very emotional.

However we do come out of it with a different perspective and each person will have a different perspective on what that looks like.

For me it was the dropping of the desire for what I thought and believed a happy life looked like. I dropped the concept of this illusion portrayed in the media or movies.

What I did learn is that all the trauma from the past had prepared me for a life that I didn't believe I would lead and is completely different from the norm.

My life is for me! it wouldn't suit anyone else, but the good news is I don't give a fuck what anyone else thinks. (very important)

You may find answers in your past OP but don't dwell on them. Learn and move on. Life will come to you. If you try to control life, life will control you. Relax and take your time. It will reveal itself.

This sort of work might be done in phases, with things coming up over and over or at different times. It’s hard! And as you say it takes time. You’re very brave to confront all this.

As for being happy, I suppose in a way you’re starting from a blank slate. Do you know what sort of things make you feel happy? From tiny things, like a really good cup of coffee, or clean bedding; to bigger things like professional success. You could come up with a sort of avatar of your ideal life. Who would be in it? Where would you live? What would your home look like? What work would you do? On a day to day basis how would you spend your time? (Tea in bed? Or straight up and to the gym? Late nights with a film or a book? Work?)

I think you’re in a transitional phase and you will come to a place where you can see a happy future. The unknown can be scary but it may be exciting too.

is it unrealistic to think I can be "happy"?

@Navigando

Absolutely not unrealistic. Being happy is a choice, it's not the result of what you do or think. Very achievable, very simple but not easy. Hope it goes well for you.

Thank you for your lovely, supportive replies. I really appreciate it.

Thank you also for saying I'm brave. I suppose I am, but it was a case of get out or slowly disappear into nothingness.

I am alive, I am not out of the woods, I don't have a map and some days I almost wish I was back in the safety of my old life because I can't see where I'm heading, only what I've left behind. And it wasn't all bad, just not enough, or not right fir me any more.

I suppose I do just need to slow down and maybe then the answers will come to me. I just feel that I have wasted so much time already.

Understandable to feel impatient or nervy around transitions to a new situation. Especially with the sense that you have already wasted time (but without that time spent in the way it was, you wouldn’t be right where you are now). You are brave, contemplating something new is brave, many people stick to what they know but you are aware that that’s no longer working for you. Change will be positive. Fresh!

You're incredibly brave to step away from your marriage. That takes a special kind of person.

You're still in transition so will feel unsettled. I think that's natural. Just be kind to yourself. Try different things and see what soothes you. I find walking in the woods really helpful. There are a million and one things you could do so just try a few! Don't fear the future.

I've suddenly realised lots of my family stuff was a complete sham so understand how you feel.

I suppose I do just need to slow down and maybe then the answers will come to me. I just feel that I have wasted so much time already.

Tell me about it. I wasted 10 years in a relationship that lasted far longer than it should have.

It does get better, honestly. Give yourself credit for everything you’re doing now.

I realised that joy for me was being single, having a cat & building a new network of friends. My sister, who went through similar, fell in love again. I’d say both of us have been in the pit & both of us have never been happier - and if the shit hadn’t happened, and it was shit, neither of us would be where we are now.

The anger never quite goes away. But it does surface less & less.

My question is, is it unrealistic to think I can be "happy"? How can I be when my life is never going to be how I want it to be? Would it be better to just accept that it's not going to happen?

You can be happy. It's about 'the moment'. Set your criteria for happiness (for me, it was 'roof over my head, not much physical pain) and notice every time you experience that. 'Bank' that moment. They build up and change your mindset. Sounds too simple, but it works.

Great thread. I'm in exactly the same position except together 32 years, married 25. My friend said I'm in the eye of the storm right now, I'm so unsettled. My stomach is a mess. It was the right thing to do but still feels raw and tough. Sending love ❤️

My question is, is it unrealistic to think I can be "happy"? How can I be when my life is never going to be how I want it to be? Would it be better to just accept that it's not going to happen?

Life is never perfect and the secret of "happiness" is to accept that. Ask a Buddhist.

I had a non-ideal upbringing and am now afflicted with some life-limiting health issues. I have two choices: rail against it and feel miserable about about it - or just get on with life and find joy wherever I can. Maybe not joy in ways I might have hoped for, but what the heck, the alternative is unthinkable.

Don't aim for happy, aim for content. To be happy all the time is unachievable, to actively remove the negative elements / things that make your life harder is completely achievable though leaving you content long term

There was some research done and they found that we tend to have a baseline for 'happy' if you win the lottery or if you lose your limbs there will be a period of time where you are over joyed / in deep depression but then over time you return to the same level of 'happy' as before.

Learning to prioritise what is important to you will help you with your sense of self. As will identifying your strengths and weaknesses,in fact I recommend watching Inside Out 2 if you haven't seen it, although obviously aimed at children the Inside Out films are great for dealing with some of these issues

Insight Timer is an app that I subscribed to and I just love it. It's full of meditations, some really short if you're not sure it's your thing. There are short talks, or little thought exercises. There's a range of subjects you can explore such as inner child trauma, dysfunctional childhood and so on.
I just fell in love with it.

Journals are really recommended so you can just process all those things in your head and how you feel about all those things you experienced.

A level of contentment with elements of occasional joy mixed in would be the aim I'd say.

We're all sold alot of rubbish really about what constitutes this happy life.

A good start is quieting down all the conversations in your head which send you off on unhelpful paths and impact your feelings. The aim of getting into meditation or even just learning breathing exercises is it eventually quietens your mind which then helps how you feel.

I think thst it's better to use term content instead of happy.

Don't look at it as wasted time. I look at things as a pathway. I've left things behind on my pathway. Those things that I've left behind were part of the walk along the path, without them, I wouldn't be where I am now.

I am also not where I want to end up, but I have chosen to be here for the timebeing and I am OK with that too. I will resume my trip on pathway when the current circumstances change. Acceptance with circumstances that are not totally within my control means I am happy.

It took me about five years to work through most of the crap in my life and come to terms with it, including an abusive (now ex) husband and a horrendous divorce. You'll get there, it can't be rushed, there's a lifetime of stuff to unpick. You will be OK and yes, you can find happiness.

Thank you for your replies and advice, it's all really helpful.

I thinking aiming for content rather than happy, with moments of joy is a sound plan.

On good days (most days are good, to be fair) I feel proud of what I've achieved so far since leaving, grateful for a lot of things I took for granted, and a sense of what I suppose is excitement but mixed with a dose of trepidation that my path from now on is one that I chose.

On the inevitabke bad days I feel quite overwhelmed by it all. Lost, anxious, wishing a grown would come and tell me what to do.

I have found journalling really helpful, on the bad days. Just getting my feelings out, seeing things in black and white helps to examine and process my thoughts, validate my emotions, and generally put things into perspective.

Being in the eye of the storm is an interesting image. I also think it's like being in a little boat in the middle of the ocean. Sometimes the water is calm and I can relax and just be. Other times a storm whips up out of nowhere and I just need to cling on and wait for it to pass.

Someone wrote on here that I'm doing a lot of hard work at the moment. I hadn't thought of it like that but I actually agree. Nearly everuthing in my life has changed massively in the last couple of years. Adjusting to it is exhausting!

Sending love and support to all those going through or contemplating something similar.