Help for pal

[Anna808]

Hi,

one of my best pals is about to break up with her partner of 26 years. I’ve known her since late 90s. They don’t have kids and they were about to start looking to buy their first property so thank goodness they didn’t is my first view! Their relationship has been a strange one - they don’t seem to have a physical relationship at all for many years, which I am sure has taken a toll. My pals partner had instigated the split and I’m just asking advice on best ways to support my pal. She’s about to have a significant operation to remove a non cancerous growth that is lathe and will need support post operation too. I may not be able to provide that support but was thinking perhaps our friendship group could come together to help out and spread the care btw us. Only myself and one other friend are at moment aware of this situation and I will need support from others as I am not able to take on all the emotional support solo. I am worried as she’s been quite dependent on him financially and she doesn’t have a high paying job. She has inherited a home after her parents passed that is 1 hour away from the city she lives in - it’s a bit isolated tho and she doesn’t drive.however she could stay there and save money on rent, whilst she readies the property for a sale which would then see her have a few hundred thousand cash to invest in a new property of her own. I am quite a matter of fact person and Advice welcomed on emotional side of things and support as much as how to maintain boundaries to not be overwhelmed by my pals emotions too.

In terms of emotional support, just be present and let her talk if she wants to. Be a listening ear. Don’t try to provide her with solutions or platitudes to any emotional distress she has. Just listen to her and empathise. Acknowledge that things are difficult for her as she goes through it. Ask her if there’s anything you can do that will help. Let her tell you what she needs. Often we see people in distress and want to take action to ease or remove that distress. Really, what the person needs is a non-judgmental, actively listening ear and a shoulder to cry on if need be. That’s the best thing you can do for your friend in terms of emotional support. Let her talk and listen.

In terms of the property, if she wants to move in, help her do that. If not, find out what she wants to do and support her practically in achieving that.

In terms of money, if she’s on a low income she may be able to claim some benefits. Get her to use the turn to us benefits calculator and see what she may be able to claim. Another option could be renting out her parents property and using the rent to boost her own finances. She could rent it out for a while and upgrade the property down the line for sale.

benefits-calculator.turn2us.org.uk

Thank you that is incredibly helpful - much appreciated.

You sound like a great friend. The fact that you know your limitations and are asking for advice is really kind. There is nothing worse than having help forced upon you when you are already vulnerable.
If she is having a surgery and will need physical care, she might prefer nurses to help clean and dress her until she is able to manage for herself. This is something best organised prior to the surgery.
Ask her about cooking and cleaning. If she wants some help with that. Unless she lives rurally, groceries can be delivered (ready-made meals can be bought in advance and put in the freezer), Hello Fresh-type of subscription service for when she’s up to cooking a bit, maybe?
If she has cancer, then the MacMillan nurses are great to organise counselling also. That might help her clear the way a bit too.

That’s very nice of you to say. Thank you for your advice too - it’s quite sad as they both have been in my life since my late teens.