Teen daughter struggling with relationship with Dad after divorce

[NotApplePie]

My ExH and I separated September 23 and he moved into his own house just before Christmas.

My early teen daughter has really struggled with her relationship with her Dad since the separation - barely talking to him and getting upset about staying at his house. I’ve tried to get her to open up and to talk to him but their relationship has really broken down. She’s angry with him and says that he’s not the Dad she knows.

I suggested to her Dad that mediation between the two of them may be helpful or counselling but he felt that was a decision to be made between me & my daughter. He thinks she’ll come around in her own time.

Roll forward to Father’s Day & a woman turns up at exH’s house whilst the kids are there. My daughter is an anxious child and hid herself in her room for 2 hours whilst this woman was there. Ex tells the kids she’s a friend. Fast forward a couple of weeks and ex finally admits that this is his girlfriend. It all accelerates quite quickly from there and he has them visiting her house- daughter refuses to go in as she wasn’t told this was where they were going and is left outside in the car for over two hours.

Start of summer holidays and the girlfriend has childcare issues so now ExH is looking after a much younger child on the days he has our kids and girlfriend is sleeping over. Result is daughter doesn’t want to meet the girlfriend so ends up back with me.

Now the girlfriend and child have moved in with the Ex at the end of last month and daughter is refusing to go to his house anymore. Daughter says she wasn’t told any of this was happening.

I’m trying to encourage her to have a relationship with her Dad but she is adamant that she doesn’t want one, that she’s been pushed out and that he hasn’t listened to her feelings. I don’t want to force her to go as I think that doesn’t do any favours to any of our relationships.

Anyone been through similar and have any advice on what to do? I can’t talk to ExH about this as he pretty much refuses to talk to me about anything which is a whole other thread.

Well she's old enough to make her own decisions if she's a teen. You can encourage a relationship and you've made suggestions as to what ex can do and he's not listening. And has been very very insensitive to poor DD
Not sure what else to suggest, maybe some counselling for her. Other than that looks like she's living with you FT.

I really feel for your daughter. How old is she??? I think if she's feeling constantly pushed out to then it's her choice if she sees her dad or not. He doesn't sound like the best at communicating x

Your poor DD. I don’t blame her for feeling as she does.

does the amount of time she spends with her dad have any bearing on financial contribution from him? is he the sort of person to want her to come to him so he pays less, or will he refuse to contribute more if she stays with you most of the time?

It’s for him to want to work out with her really. If he’s not trying very hard to maintain his relationship with her, spend time 1-2-1 with her rather than with this new gf and her kid, and he doesn’t see what the problem is then I would not be making her go to is house if she doesn’t want to.

He's made his choice. Your poor daughter.
I wouldn't be pushing her either, if she is more comfortable with you.
Your attitude is admirable but I think your daughter is sadly picking up on her dad's misplaced priorities.

Sadly your ex sounds like the sort of bloke who can’t let the bed get cold before there’s another woman in it and he’s prioritised his love life over his daughter.

The poor girl not even had time to get used to her parents splitting up and already he’s shacked up with his new family and can’t give his own daughter 1 on 1 time.

I don’t blame her for not wanting anything to do with him. Let her make her own choice as to how much or how little contact she has with him.

Your attitude is really admirable but you can’t force her to maintain a relationship with a man who has shown that she’s not his priority.

Wow your ex sounds an insensitive twonk. No wonder you divorced him!

Personally I would prioritise listening to your daughter and going on with what she wants.Your ex is doing the opposite and she needs someone in her corner. She's had enough to deal with as it is at a time when hormones and emotions are all over the place. She needs you to be the reliable, supportive figure she can depend on, who will listen to her and she can kick off with sometimes but who will still put her first.

Had a similar-ish situation although the gf didn't have her own kids - which is a different problem because she isn't great with ours.
I talked it through with my daughters who felt a lot like yours.
Then met my exH for coffee a couple of times & explained it to him. My two felt both pushed out & (I think) also jealous of this woman suddenly being with their dad more than them & getting to see him every day etc.

He was clueless about everything and had just assumed it would all work out with no issues. It doesn't help that his gf tends to ignore them when they are round or excludes them from conversations but maybe that's her insecurity around the situation.

He began trying a bit more and making some efforts to clearly put them first & also to sometimes spend time with just them, no gf around. This has helped although they are still reluctant to spend much time at his place.

I have been accommodating and sometimes say to the kids to invite him here for a film & takeaway if I'm going out, after all it's their home too. They like doing that.

It's hard because really I suppose why do older kids have to have a relationship with someone their parent is seeing? It gets forced on them & often too quickly.

Ps also although my exh waited a good amount of time before introducing her to the kids, once he had it went at break neck speed and she was suddenly there all the time they were, literally overnight.

He had obviously moved on but he didn't give them any warning or build it up slowly so that they could catch up. That was a fatal mistake & I think if he had things might have worked out better than they have

Just reread your OP and saw the bit where he left your DD in the car for 2 hours on her own so he could visit his gf - what a fucking selfish prick this man is

How awful for your daughter. Her feelings are completely normal and proportional to his actions and I think all you can do is support her decision to pull back, for now, not denigrating her dad but validating her feelings - a tricky balance.

I’ve been in your daughter’s situation. I really struggled with my parents’ divorce at that age, although in time it got better. I would agree with others not to force her to see him but it’s really important that he understands what he is potentially risking. It’s on your ex to fix this one and to spend plenty of time with your DD one to one, without the girlfriend, rebuilding their relationship.

Do you think she may agree to therapy just for herself to have someone to talk to , to figure out her feelings about this? May be helpful , may not be, but I recall just feeling so confused and mixed up about it all at that age and it was only when I had therapy when I was much older that I was able to really sort it all through. Good luck, you sound like a very thoughtful and loving parent.

I would suggest that your daughter cuts all ties with her father - it will save years of tears and disappointment. He has moved on and left her behind.

She has a right to her choice. I think you should respect that.

I have read your original post again and see you can't talk to your ex. That makes it hard.

I agree with others about respecting your daughter's wishes & not forcing her to see her dad. Just be there for her & be the constant in her life.

It's for her dad to step up here and try to mend the relationship. He will lose her if he doesn't.

I also think as a pp said that offering counselling if you can would help. It's such a difficult age without this and i'm sure she would benefit from talking her feelings through.

What arseholes some men are, eh?

Thanks everyone - it’s good to hear others views. I was doubting my actions in not making her go especially as her sibling is fine with the situation but all children are different aren’t they?

It is difficult when he won’t communicate. I’ve messaged him before about how upset she’s been but he’s either ignored it or told me how he lives his life is none of my business.

I’ll continue to support her in whatever she chooses and bring up counselling again - when I’ve asked her before she has flatly refused.

I don’t currently get any child maintenance from him as we were sharing the children 50:50 not sure if I should bring that up with him yet or leave it to see if the situation changes.

Listen to your daughter. If she doesn’t want to see him she doesn’t have to. Don’t teach her to accept being treated as a second class citizen or an afterthought. Don’t teach her she has to continue a relationship with a man who leaves her alone in a car for hours whilst he prioritises another women. What do you think these things are teaching your daughter? And what do you think you’ll be teaching her if you push her to accept being treated this way by her father?

Your daughter has the self esteem and confidence currently to not accept being treated poorly. Back her up on that. Tell her that she’s right to expect better, that she deserves better. Bolster her.

In the meantime, you could speak to your ex again and explain to him your daughters position, (once she has explained it fully to you) and encourage him to make time to see your daughter 1 to 1 if that’s what she would prefer. But don’t push her to ignore her feelings or push them aside in order to facilitate contact with a man who isn’t respecting her boundaries or treating her with the care and love she deserves.

How old is / are your other DC? What do they think? May be they are treated differently if boys or younger?

Great post.

I think regarding the counciling, she may feel that you're suggesting something is wrong with her.

I think you need to be very clear about supporting her. Eg: 'I hope you know how proud of you I am' and 'I'm sorry your dad hasn't stepped up to the plate. I think its very cool that you've decided to choose yourself and step back from someone who isn't considering your feelings (at least for now, hopefully he'll sort himself out someday)'.

Then: 'If you ever need to talk further, I'm here. But like I said, we can always get you a Councillor if you'd prefer to talk things through with someone else'.

I think you need to be clear with her that her feelings are valid.

Teens are very sensitive to taking in the idea that there's something wrong with them... 'maybe that's why dad is being this way....maybe it's why mum suggests a councilor' etc...

Legally, she’d be allowed to choose how much contact she had with each parent.

My child went through similar but is happy with the decision that he made even though he had a few wobbles over the years.

My experience was that divorce is much harder on teens than primary school kids and there are lots of stepparenting stories on here where the stepchild’s behaviour changes when they are teens. My oldest found it hardest where as my youngest who was 5 when we split, is very matter of fact about the way things are.

Hugs to your dd. My son felt lots of guilt despite his dad’s behaviour being the catalyst for change.