Breaking up with someone who has done nothing wrong

[Clarasmum444]

I've been with a great man for nearly 2 years. He is amazing with dd and she really likes him.
He has done so much for me, more than any other man and goes out of his way to make me happy. He is the perfect gentleman. BUT I think I just don't want to be in a relationship with him anymore. I feel terrible because as I said, he has done so much for me and seems to really love me. This really is a case of 'it's not you, it's me' I don't know how to tell him or what to do 😢 I feel like the worst person in the world.

You haven't said why you don't want to be in a relationship with him?

Why can't you just tell him the truth?

Obviously you can cushion it if necessary.

There is absolutely no reason why i don't want to be in a relationship with him though, I just don't, this is the problem. If it makes no sense to me how can I expect him to understand? It's terrible.

Start by telling him and everyone to respect your boundaries, that it's over and there is nothing wrong with him.

Well, if you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it.

You'll no doubt get everyone in here telling to bin him off as you deserve to be happy, but the other side is that reading MN, the dating market is abysmal! So be prepared for some really cruddy men if you think you're planning on dating again.

But nice for all those single ladies who are looking for a decent man... one's back on the market! :)

I guess the question is, would you be happier alone ( as you might be) or with him?
If the answer is alone, then end it. No point staying because it’s harder to end it.

If you find someone nice don't take them for granted. I'm in an awful place due to 4 years of mental and emotional abuse. The man's done barely nothing for me. I would give anything to feel loved and cared for.

But you feel how you feel. So you need to maybe write him a letter and express how you feel of taking face to face is too much. I wouldn't text it. That feels abit cold. But a letter or chat. Try and work out what's made you feel like this.

Are you bored? Are you missing passion? Do you feel he's not into the same stuff as you?

OP, I would encourage you to understand better why you don't?

Do you actually know the reason but it doesn't feel valid to you? If so, listen to yourself better. Any reason is fine. You can be bored, have the ick, have some instinct that he's not truly as wonderful as he seems, feels he's uninspiring in bed.... You don't need to justify breaking up.

You can have reasons also that are not specific to him like you just want to be independent and single. Also, all fine!

BUT, if you have no clue why.... that might suggest you are self sabotaging? Running away from something secure and loving because deep down you don't think you are worthy?

I think it would be worth looking a bit deeper to be sure it's not something like that.....

..... and, perhaps if really you just change your mind and prefer to have shorter relationships without really committing (also fine), then just make sure you let people know that's your style, and avoid introducing your dd in the future?

I would hang fire for a moment.

Do you still find him sexually attractive? Do you still want to be sexually intimate with him? If not - let him go.

But is it worth looking at how you were raised as a child? Some times when we find peace with someone our brains - if they have been raised in chaotic homes can tell us that it’s boring and need more and will actively sabotage good healthy relationships.

@financialcareerstuff

Completely agree with your very balanced and sensible advice.

How old is DD?
Are you just not in the headspace to date?

When DD was little I decided not to date after seeing a really lovely man.
Financially it took a toll - going out, new clothes, - money I could have been spending on doing things with DD.
Cost me in time - time I could have been with DD, or doing chores so I could spend quality time with her, or me time so I could recharge.
Emotionally it cost more than I had to give, when you are the one making all the decisions at home and have someone relying on you 100% I just didn't / couldn't be there to provide the emotional support of even interest required in a relationship,
Being all touched out - having a toddler/ preschooler at the time I didn't feel particularly sexy and the last thing I really wanted was more touching or at least the amount normal in a new adult relationship.

The knock on effect of this means that actually, having DD at 23 means I never really developed those relationship skills so if I do choose to date I'm starting from the beginning. The last man I dated was still in that post teen / early 20s gangly phase and now many men my age, are hairy, grey haired, wrinkled, beer bellied, likely to be married and divorced and are 'proper' grown up men which is quite the difference to before. I've obviously aged too but you forget that when it's yourself and certainly don't look like pre 30s me now.

But I don't regret it, I focused on me, spent that money and time on investing in myself in driving lessons, OU degree and financially getting myself and DD into a good place. She is grown now in her mid teens and she'll be my only child and I can look back on my parenting experience knowing I was all in and really present for it all. What dating holds in the future for me I have no idea but I'm certainly not well equipped for it and feel a big like a teenager.

So it depends on what you want, before make any rash decisions really think about it. If you want to be in a relationship then sacking off a perfectly nice man is daft. If you actually just need to be alone right now that's fine too but consider the pitfalls too.

@Clarasmum444 I would suggest you do nothing until you understand better why you don't want to be in this relationship.

He doesn't have to have done anything 'wrong' but you need certain what the reason is, otherwise history will continue to repeat

As PP has said, if you're not feeling it then you're not feeling it. There doesn't always need to be any wrongdoing for relationships to end. Sometimes, two people just aren't supposed to be together forever.
I've been there myself.
You've got to do what's right for you, OP.

I broke up with a lovely man as it wasn't right for me. He had so many good things. But....it just wasn't right.
It was hard. Especially when he moved straight into another relationship and I didn't. But ultimately it was right for both of us. I had lost respect for him and that isn't healthy.

Thanks so much for all your replies 😊

DD is 16, it's been just us most of her life until I met him.

I really don't know what is it. There is a man who broke my heart but that was 20 years ago, I've never been the same since so it may be related to that why I'm sabotaging myself, I just don't know.

The current relationship is long distance due to his job. That has always suited me fine because I felt I had the best of both worlds, my own space and a relationship but these last few months, I don't know, it just hasn't felt right. I'm so torn because when I see him it's fine but when I'm alone I want to stay alone.

Mostly I just feel guilt because he does so much for me and puts in so much effort and he does more for dd than her own dad does! I just feel like the worst person in the world.

I think PPs advice to understand more about yourself, why this isn't working for you is good, certainly. But I can see that the repeated seesawing between "part of a loving couple" and "free agent with noone to answer to (apart from dd obvs) would be tiring. If it was me I would struggle to settle into myself somehow. And if it was me with a daughter already in my life, in the end I suspect like you I would favour the peaceful, constant life of singleness.

Do you suspect that at some point he may want more? To move in together? I guess you feel you don't want that.

Can you tell him honestly that while the long-distance has worked so well for you up till now, it has been partly because of periods of being single, and that while you love him and appreciate him, you just haven't got that drive to be in a couple, and are just more comfortable with the single bits, so continuing to see him would be wrong and dishonest?

@candycane222 yeah he does want more, he is trying to get a transfer from work so he can be nearby and buy a house for us to live in together. I was honest and said it's not what I want until dd leaves college and he became very upset which made me start thinking it's not what I want at all now

So he's trying to emotionally manipulate you into living together? Explain ' he became very upset'.

@GritGoes4th the discussion happened via WhatsApp but when I told him he basically sulked until I called him out on it, he said he wasn't sulking just taking time to 'think' and that I didn't trust him to do it etc. I said it wasn't a case of that, I could sell and buy another house if I wanted, I just wanted dd to finish college while here. Then he was fine and acted like nothing had happened!

Your decision - no moving in together while DD is still in college - was entirely reasonable. And given her age, not far off.

I might expect him to express mild disappointment, but essentially say something like fair enough, that makes sense.

Sulking is manipulative and childish. And a red flag.

Who would ever want to live with a sulky manchild?

@GritGoes4th yep, exactly! I can't deal with sulkers, let alone having to live with one...

No wonder you feel uncomfortable now. So my detailed analysis of why long distance didn't work for you any more was unnecessary! You are now under pressure from him to do something he wants that you don't want (or not on his timetable) so the relationship has changed. Plus of course the sulking because you didn't comply.

You can't go forward honestly from this, either of you. If he had guts he would end it himself but it sounds like he would rather believe he can keep the pressure on by asking again in X months...

You don't want that hanging over you constantly, it's a change for the worse in the relationship so far as you're concerned. That's why you aren't feeling it any longer.

Well I think we've established that he's not 'done nothing wrong'.

Also, quite possibly you don't ever want to share a home with a man you are having a long distance relationship with. That's the appeal of a long distance relationship. You can put the phone down and ignore bad behaviour and crack on with your day.

Maybe you want a home that is yours - and dd's for as long as she needs it.

He's allowed to take time to think. He suggested getting closer and you pushed him back, so it's understandable that he withdrew to nurse his bruised feelings a bit. That's not neccessarily sulking. He's allowed to feel the full range of emotions.

Why did you get together with him in the first place? Did you ever find him really sexy or did you feel you ought to date a nice man? Would it be worth exploring what is scaring you off getting closer? Or why you are put off by someone who is nice to you?