His drinking habit bothers me

[ByTealUser]

Me and my boyfriend have been together for just over 2 years. We are both 30.

His drinking bothers me.

When hes sober he's a lovely "normal" person

When he has a drink he gets very quiet, sits there in silence and doesn't make any conversation. The most I might get is a mutter which I can't understand.

Or he could go the other way and be nasty. Accusing me of flirting with other people. Bringing up old arguments we've had before. Brings up ex's which is irrelevant, none of my exs bother us. And name calling towards me.

He turn to drink if hes in a good mood and somthing good has happened in his life

He turns to drink if he feeling low/down

He also turns to drink when hes bored (he's recently lost his job) so every now and then will start drinking on a random Tuesday afternoon.

When he drinks and I'm not in his company he will either be constantly texting me gibberish and repeating himself over and over

Or I'll get no texts all night

Tonight is currently a night where I haven't heard from him since 5pm and I don't even know where he is

I really don't know what to do anymore

Every time he's sober and I bring up how I feel about it he tells me he really wants to stop drinking and how much he actually doesn't enjoy it (apparently)

We have a 6 month old baby together, I don't think I want this for mine and my babys future

Give him an ultimation. He completely stops (as he has little self control) or he leaves. If he wants to stop he has to immediately contact AA and other support to actively create and start a plan.

Get out and tell him to get help if he wants to be a part of your kid's life.

Sorry OP, but you are kidding yourself if you believe this to be purely binge drinking and not a bigger problem. Even if - and that's a big if - he's not drinking quantities on other days (that you either know about or don't) he's well on the path down that road.
How much is he drinking on other days? Are you telling yourself it's "only" the binge drinking one or two times a week, that a couple of drinks is fine?
You say you've talked to him about it and he proclaims that he wants to quit drinking... How serious are these talks? How often? Does anything change at all or does the pattern simply repeat itself?

So to sum up, in addition to having a binge drinking problem, he's an entitled twat who leaves all the scut work to you while he plays Disney Dad, plus he's a chronically unemployed loser who expects you to give him your hard earned money so he can loaf? He sounds like an Andy Capp clone.
Yuck. What is there that's good about him?

Sounds like a functional alcoholic and I say this as someone who was married to one. They can't give up for you they can only give up if they want to.
Exactly the warning signs were there in my first marriage early on I ignored them and it took me 10 years and his selfish, entitled behaviour escalating including an affair with another alcoholic for me to see the light.
Don't be me I lived a miserable half life where I was always exhausted. Life was so much easier after I kicked him out.

I think all the speculation about whether or not he drinks between binges, whether or not he is "an alcoholic" etc is neither here nor there really. None of us can know the precise nature of his drinking, but we know the important thing - that it makes OP unhappy.

OP, first and foremost I would set a clear boundary of no drinking around you and the baby. (I assume you don't drink yourself?) This is not because I believe nobody should ever drink alcohol near their child - there are some people who can do so and keep it in sensible moderation - but clearly your boyfriend isn't one of them.

If he fails to respect this boundary, I think you should end the relationship.

If he respects it, then you can still end the relationship if you want. It doesn't sound like he is bringing much to you as a partner - he may be a loving, if slightly useless, father, but he can still be that when he is your co-parent - it's not a reason to stay romantically involved with him.

People with drink problems CAN get sober. I used to be similar to your boyfriend, a binge drinker (certainly didn't drink every day - no cravings or physical addiction - but would drink excessively on occasion and make appalling choices under the influence). I have been sober many years now, and my life is vastly better - I am a better daughter, better colleague, better mom, better friend. It can be done. There are loads of us who post on here who now choose to be sober - some may have been daily drinkers, some bingers, some may have harmed their physical or mental health with drink....

I tend to believe everyone is different - some of the comments you get on here saying "alcoholics do this....." "alcoholics never do that....." annoy me a little - not everyone who has had addiction issues is exactly the same. But one thing that IS true for everyone I think - the aim needs to be total sobriety. The odd lapse may happen - it does to most of us at one time or another - but if someone does the work and keep sobriety as their goal, and knows why they are aiming for it, there is every chance they can get there. Moderation is just too wooly and drinking levels will creep back up.......

You need to stop him coming to your house. Take no responsibility for him at all .
You're making this worse by allowing him into your house and 'helping' and 'facilitating' him. The longer you do, the harder it will be to stop.
Can you move nearer to your family?

I agree. XH had an alcoholic problem. He drank to excess (talking 8-10 beers when he was drinking. I calculated he’d had 35 units in a weekend once). He didn’t see himself as an ‘alcoholic’ because he didn’t drink every day and did give up for a year. But the reality was he was dependant on alcohol. He could never have just one beer. He would declare he was cutting back and only drink on Friday and Saturday….but then added in Sunday…but then it was okay to drink in the week if there was an international football match, then if his premier were playing…so at times he was drinking 5 nights a week.

OP this is no way to live. I think it’s fortunate he doesn’t live with you. It minimises what your DS is exposed to. I wouldn’t give him an ultimatum personally (as a pp suggested). People only stop unhealthy habits when they are good and ready. He doesn’t think he has a problem!
You’ll note I say XH…because yes, I did end things. Home life is so much better with just me and DD. She sees him alternate weekends and feels that is plenty! He’s still drinking of course. It worries me how much he drinks when she’s around but she is a bit older now with teenage step siblings so I think she could get help if there was an emergency (and he wasn’t able to).
I suspect your DP will be a Disney Dad - swan in for the fun stuff and swan out again. But hey, you’re already doing most of the donkey work and you and your DS will have a calmer, peaceful life.

Yeah, my ex was the same. Binge alcoholism is just a much an addiction as daily drinking.
He did admit he had a problem and swore off alcohol (for good, he said) doing the 12 step thing and claiming he was 100% certain he would never drink again. Naturally, he didn't stick to that. Even the drunks who recognize they have a problem usually don't quit for good. A drunk who doesn't recognize it has almost no chance of quitting.

I'd only be with a hapoy drunk. Time to end this relationship OP.

Run for the hills and don’t look back.

The markers for addiction aren't about frequency or quantities. Yes, those can give us insight into someone's addiction and perhaps escalation. But addiction and problematic/compulsive behaviours vary massively from individual to individual. What we look for is this negatively impacting your life and relationships? Is this your coping mechanism for life? Is there a pattern in which you're triggered by boredom loneliness stress,anxiety etc

I would advise you get yourself to Al anon support meetings for family. As well as some counselling. Unfortunately you're going to need to protect yourself and your child from your partners behaviour.

He won't change his behaviour and seek help unless he wants to. Unfortunately that often only happens when reaching rock bottom yet some are what we call bottom walkers who will stay there and never get help.

You and your child deserve so much more than this. It is not your responsibility. It's his. Choose yourself choose your child.

"We have a 6 month old baby together, I don't think I want this for mine and my babys future"

Indeed you do not. You need to end this relationship before he further drags you and your child down with him.

The 3cs re alcoholism are you did not cause this, you cannot control this and you cannot cure this.

You are not and have never been responsible for him and his drinking problem. He is the only one who can address his drink problem and he is showing no actual indication that he wants to do so.

There are NO guarantees when it comes to alcoholism. He could go onto lose everything and everyone around him and he could still choose to drink afterwards. Let him go and rebuild your life without him in it day to day. Get support for yourself from Al-anon and at the very least read their literature.

And what MightyGoldBear wrote.

His primary relationship is not with you either; its with alcohol. His thoughts likely centre around drink and where the next drink is going to come from.

It won't get better. Trust me.

You and your baby deserve better

Please leave him OP. Leave while you've got your life ahead of you and your baby is too young to know the fear of a dad who is weird and makes no sense sometimes, and is angry for no reason at others. It's incredibly disturbing and distressing for a child, and you'll run out of ways to cover for him, and lies that 'daddy's not well' and 'didn't mean it' will be harder to tell. It's vanishingly unlikely that he will stop this drinking pattern. And if he does, it could be decades away, and all that time you'll have lived on egg shells with no peace of mind. Dreading Christmas, weddings, good news and bad. If I could have given my 30 year old self this advice I'd have saved myself a great deal of misery.