Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can you be friends with an ex?

37 replies

itiswhatitisxx · 01/11/2024 22:30

Hi all 👋
What are everyone's views on being friends with an ex? My ex and i have been split for 2 and a half years, 10year relationship. No children.
Split was unexpected at time, was hurt and heartache but more to do with outside influence (exs family played a big part)
We are still friends. Spend time occasionally going for drinks or dinner (nothing more!!) will text and catch up. Still alot of love I think from us both but in a friendly way. He's still complimentary of me etc but in a nice way not a sexual. Moving forward into new relationships do you think new partner would not like this and we should cut all ties?

Thanks 😊

OP posts:
shellyleppard · 01/11/2024 22:33

I'm friends with my ex. We have two sons together and he regularly comes round for coffee/occasional Sunday dinner. It took us a couple of years to get to the friends stage though 🫤 new partners might find it strange though....

Savemydrink · 01/11/2024 22:35

I would not be comfortable with this. The potential for you two to get back together is too great. Not worth the gamble for me, I would give this a swerve, sorry.

TwistedWonder · 01/11/2024 22:37

I split with my ex in 2016 and we’ve remained friends. First of all it was to make life better fit our DS but as time gone on and my son now an adult we’ve stayed very amicable and friendly.

The last man I dated had a real problem with it. But he was NC with his ex wife so he couldn’t understand why we were amicable.

We’ve both moved on and don’t think of each other in that way anymore but will always share our DS so I don’t see why anyone I meet now would have a problem.

TeddyBeans · 01/11/2024 22:38

It's a hard no from me

ImNoSuperman · 01/11/2024 22:40

Casually dating your ex while in a new relationship would probably upset a new partner. There are no children involved so a new partner would be reasonable to say they didn't want you continuing to see your ex or leave if you did.

Original poster
itiswhatitisxx · 01/11/2024 22:41

Savemydrink · 01/11/2024 22:35

I would not be comfortable with this. The potential for you two to get back together is too great. Not worth the gamble for me, I would give this a swerve, sorry.

I get that however why would we when it's been 2 and a half years?

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 01/11/2024 22:43

I do think the fact you don’t have children makes things a bit different.

The main reason most exes stay amicable is to have a good co-parenting relationship

FfsBrian · 01/11/2024 22:46

I think because there is no kids its a bit tricky.

I am very good friends with my first childs dad, in fact he is like a brother to me now as I've known him since I was 14. He was a MASSIVE support when i separated from my EXH. He will help me with anything, our adult dd is now 29.

I take great care not to over step the mark with his lovely GF.

But I think i would feel there was unresolved feelings or was still emotionally connected between two people who didn't have kids together yet still spent time together and it would put me off tbh

BabyCloud · 01/11/2024 22:48

I tried but it kept coming back to him wanting to get back together and have another baby so we’re not friends again at the moment. It’s a bit of a cycle.

Original poster
itiswhatitisxx · 01/11/2024 22:58

BabyCloud · 01/11/2024 22:48

I tried but it kept coming back to him wanting to get back together and have another baby so we’re not friends again at the moment. It’s a bit of a cycle.

That must be tough 😣

I appreciate what everyone is saying about no children etc but we always had a good friendship so that's continued. Neither of us have ever overstepped the mark, we talk about each of us finding new partners and are respectful and offer advice. Never since we've split has either of us said about getting back together.

OP posts:
Lotsofpots · 01/11/2024 23:21

I've done it successfully. No kids together, took a while for us to be able to be friends post split but we text, go for drinks, went to each others weddings etc. We now meet up with partners and children and it's lovely.

RichardOsmansFreakishlyBigHand · 01/11/2024 23:22

100% cut all ties. You're split up for a reason and any future lovers will probably not like it. The only exception is if you have kids of course in which case its impossible.

Savemydrink · 01/11/2024 23:28

itiswhatitisxx · 01/11/2024 22:41

I get that however why would we when it's been 2 and a half years?

Show quote history

Because you say, you still socialise, go out for dinner, still have love for each other, never broke up of your own accord as it was caused by his relatives. Massive red flags

MaxTalk · 02/11/2024 02:46

Of course you can't, don't be silly.

Anicecumberlandsausage · 02/11/2024 05:27

No. My circumstances mean it's not possible to be friends with my ex.

sammylady37 · 02/11/2024 05:30

I’ve done it, very successfully. I was with my ex for 5 years in my 20s, am now mid-40s and we’re still very good friends. No children together, he’s now married with a child. Anyone new on the scene ‘having a problem’ and trying to dictate that I end a decades-long friendship wouldn’t be in my life for long.

Colourfulduvets · 02/11/2024 05:39

Yes of course you can if you are both mature enough.

I stayed very good friends with an ex from University and my subsequent partners and his had no problems with it. We began as friends before we were a couple and ended it mutually which is what made the difference I think.

We have drifted now in later life due to house moves, kids etc etc.

I am amicable with my exH because we have kids. I wouldn't say we are friends & if it wasn't for the kids I wouldn't stay in contact with him but our marriage didn't end well so I don't trust him fully.

Revelatory · 02/11/2024 05:40

In Sweden it’s the norm to keep civilised relationships with ex partners . Surely if you’ve spent a lot of time with someone and shared many experiences it’s possible to transition into a friendship? It’s a sign of maturity as long as there are no romantic feelings on either side. Sometimes people are better as friends than lovers .

Interlaken · 02/11/2024 05:49

sammylady37 · 02/11/2024 05:30

I’ve done it, very successfully. I was with my ex for 5 years in my 20s, am now mid-40s and we’re still very good friends. No children together, he’s now married with a child. Anyone new on the scene ‘having a problem’ and trying to dictate that I end a decades-long friendship wouldn’t be in my life for long.

my experience is similar to this.

Someone taking their insecurities out on my decades long friendship is going to get shown the door.

BadLad · 02/11/2024 07:05

Depends how often the “occasionally” meeting up for drinks is. If it’s too often, I think most new partners would think there are still some unresolved feelings between you.

winter8090 · 02/11/2024 15:55

I agree it all depends on the frequency.
I'm all for remaining friends. However daily contact and "dates" together would make me very uncomfortable.

beeeeeeez · 02/11/2024 16:32

I agree that it can work well, if you're not a dick about it...
I'm friends with 3 of my exes and can see a time when my most recent ex and I will probably be friendly again - we were, but his new girlfriend finds it a bit threatening, so we've both backed off.

I think that you need to be a bit sensitive around current partners, no matter how platonic your friendship.

BruFord · 02/11/2024 16:42

One of my friends has a great friendship and coparenting relationship with her ex. They split when their children were 7 and 8.5 ( I didn’t know them back then) and after a difficult couple of years, they were able to become friends.

I think the key was that neither of them had behaved badly towards the other one - no cheating, no abuse, they just weren’t working as a couple. Both also prioritized their children and coparented well.

After a few years, they were both in LTR and the two couples even went on holiday together with the children! DD (19) was invited along to accompany their DD on one holiday and said that they were all really amicable.

So I think it can happen if it’s not a nasty split and the exes respect each other.

Boomer55 · 02/11/2024 17:03

I was married for 30 years to husband number 1. I remarried quickly after I left. After I left, we didn’t speak for 20+ years. Our kids were both adults and married by then.

But, since DH died, husband number 1 and I are sort of co-parenting/grandparenting our ACs and GCs.

It gets difficult at times, but the show is still on the road.🙂

Mickey79 · 02/11/2024 17:12

Yes it’s possible but depends on why the relationship ended. There are some instances where people would happily never lay eyes on an ex again.

Swipe left for the next trending thread