Forgetful partner says I'm nagging

[Bubble20]

My partner is incredibly forgetful (that's not just my opinion, pretty much everyone, including himself, says it) as a result of this, things quite often don't get done that I have asked if he could do. I will suggest he does things, I will ask and sometimes I will straight out tell him. The response I get to all of those is that if I "pressure him" he won't do it until he wants to, unfortunately, he will almost definitely forget before it gets to this point. I explain that the reason I bring it up is because he's said he will do it and then hasn't due to forgetting. I've asked him why he thinks I do it, to which he says because I'm controlling. I feel like there is no solution! I had a rant at him (yes, I know I shouldn't have, but I'm only human!) and said that maybe he should think about taking a more mature approach and realise I'm just trying to help him remember and stop being stubborn. I'm not sure how to approach this situation - if I keep quiet, he forgets and doesn't do it, if I say anything, he won't do it because I've mentioned it. Any suggestions will be very gratefully received!

Blackboard or whiteboard in the kitchen with a list of jobs to do and next to them initials of the person who has agreed to do them.

Get him to write them up there and initial them.

He sounds like a mix of forgetful, passive aggressive and with weaponised incompetence. Maybe he has other redeeming qualities?

He doesnt want to do it so he wont.

whats the point staying with someone who expects you to do all the thinking? Surely that is draining! You're not married. Do you have a mortgage together?

I feel like there is no solution!

I mean braking up with him is the only solution, right? Because he is an arse.

Are there jobs he is supposed to do which will have a negative consequence that specifically impacts only him if he doesn't do them? Let him crack on with not doing those. Whatever they are, allow him to forget and suffer the untoward consequences. Forgot to get his car MOT'd - oh dear, what a pity. Forgot to buy his mum a card for Mother's Day? Whoops. Forgot that medical appointment, who cares? Forgot to wash his own clothes and has no clean shirts or socks? So what?

Nagging is such a misogynistic term - it's intended to make you feel small and embarrassed and unreasonable and demanding.

Stop reminding him. It's not your job to be his mother. If he forgets then it's on him - but I bet when that happens, he blames you anyway. If he knows he's forgetful then it's up to him to put strategies together to deal with it.

The next time he accuses you of nagging him, or pressuring him to do something, tell him that he’s absolutely right. You hate doing it and will solve the problem by accepting that he is never going to pull his weight and he just isn’t good enough to be in a relationship with you, so he can pack his bags and you’ll go your separate ways.

What does he do for a living? How does he cope there?

ADHD? For years DH drove me mad and made me very upset by getting angry at me for 'not telling him' things that I could literally remember where I was the when I'd told him, often 2 or 3 times (usually things like 'We are going to an event at such and such a place at such a time on this date'). Eventually he did accept if I said I'd told him something then I had told him, and that he couldn't remember wasn't my issue. Things have been much better on that front ever since.

DS was diagnosed with inattentive ADHD a few years ago and suddenly quite a lot of things, including this, started to make sense as it seems very likely DH has it too.

Gonna get shot here but my hubby's like this but he's neuro spicy. We do samsung notes. He loves a checklist sent to him and does 100% samsung notes - easy tick forward whatsapp

He jsut doesn’t want to pull his weight and makes it your fault. It’s not, it’s all him. Have you been together long? Is the easiest thing to do to be happier to say I was really after a partnership in my relationship and your absolute refusal to contribute much and blaming me for asking more than once is like having a sulky pathetic teenager, so I think I’m done here.

My partner forgets stuff so I now leave a list if needed. It runs from the mundane such as 'pick up bread' to the wildly optimistic heights of 'tile the bathroom' etc.

If this was a teen it'd be called Pathological Demand Avoidance
(PDA), a sub-set of Autism. In a grown man its just laziness, immaturity and some misogyny mixed in.

Have a household list. He was to equally contribute to writing it. Have deadlines to the list. That's your reasonable adjustment, you don't need to do anything more.

Then think about your boundaries. What will you do if he doesn't do it? What value do you put on yourself to be treated better?

He'll claim he forgot to write/look at the list/whiteboard. That'll be another thing to exasperate yourself with - telling him not to forget to write on/look at the list

He couldn't care less that's why he disrespectfully refutes you when you try to help him remember things. He wants you to shut up and just pick up the slack of his forgetfulness

You're wasting days of your life on a man who doesn't respect you, hence doesn't want to hear you

No man is EVER accused of Nagging.

It's a word used specifically as a verbal stick to hit women with.

I've stopped reminding my DH of things he needs to do, and when he complains about forgetting I literally shrug at him and leave him to sort it out.

He set off the smoke alarms recently by forgetting that he'd lit a gas burner under the frying pan. When all the alarms went off I stayed exactly where I was while he ran around opening doors and windows.

Whatever the cause, this is HIS issue to solve, not yours!
Have a proper adult conversation with him when you are both calm and explain the problem and how you feel. It’s up to him to find the solutions, or at the very,very least he needs to be willing to try new strategies.
If not, there are only 2 options. Accept you are fundamentally going to have to ‘mother’ him 🤮 or leave. If he sent be arsed to try and fix the problem, definitely leave

Life is too short to waste your time with this idiot.

There is nothing wrong with being forgetful but in this day and age there is simply no reason not to get on top of things.

We have iPhones that reminders and to do lists can be set up but as a family what works for us is hooks old fashioned individual Filofaxes and one large family one that everyone can write in. Children have left home but it's brilliant when they and other family visitors visit as they can update it with news of future events etc.

Tell him it’s his problem to solve - would he prefer to write himself a list or set a reminder on his phone? Or would he prefer you keep on asking him?

If his solution is that he just wants to carry on not doing things and getting pissy when reminded, then your problem to solve is whether you want to stick around.

What does he do to remember things at work so that he’s able to stay employed? He should do that at home also.

What kind of things are you having to remind him about? If he doesn’t do them do they impact just him or both of you?

Stuff that’s only going to impact him I’d leave him to it, but your problem if it’s stuff like his family’s birthday/arrangements etc.