Please help me plan my escape

[justwantobehappy1095]

I want to leave my husband and need some practical advice please.
Key facts are:

• we were married 20 years ago in a Muslim country and move to UK soon afterwards. The marriage is not registered here.

• two children, one late teens and a 6 year old.

• one joint mortgage and no other joint property.

• both have professional jobs.

• I earn three times more than him.

My husband has been abusive throughout our marriage. He gets aggressive when things don't go his way and he's getting worse. He calls me names, doesn't respect me at all, is always belittling me. I cannot take it any longer.
I need to plan properly to leave him. Me and the kids are not in any immediate danger.
The reason why I haven't done anything yet is because I know that he will not leave if I tell him to. He will at best tell me to leave if I don't want to be with him. Neither of us can afford to just go somewhere else. We don't have any relatives around or much money.
Also, even if I left, I'll have to take the kids with me and I don't want to cause them any more stress than is necessary. What are my rights?
He would not have qualified for this mortgage on his own, but I would have. So in the event of a divorce, what would happen to the house? Would I have to go via a solicitor or would the bank just transfer it over to me ?
Finally, should I get the marriage registered here to make the divorce possible?
If you've read this from, thank you !

You need to seek proper legal advice here to make sure you’re clear on the stance, but my understanding is that if your marriage is not legally registered/recognised in the UK then you cannot divorce in the UK.

So by that understanding you have the same rights in the UK when separating as an unmarried partner would have. That can be a good thing and a bad thing, it means rather than having to go through a full financial disclosure etc for a divorce you just need to untangle joint finances. So the house as an example has to either be sold and the equity split 50/50 or one of you buy the other out. It does mean though that you’re not entitled to his pension or any savings he has.

Lots of solicitors will offer free 30 mins/1 hour, in your situation I’d really advise going to see one to chat this through properly so that you fully understand and are clear on your legal stance as a first step.

Contact Women's Aid for advice about leaving an abusive marriage.

Thank you for your helpful advice. I will look up a lawyer and will contact women's aid too.

I know for sure that he will not leave if I tell him that I want to separate and will make my life hell. I don't want to be in a position where I have to call the police because he's smashing things which he does often when I dare to have any opinion about anything.

Calling the police when he's smashing stuff would be a good thing to do. If you can proove the abuse then you can have him removed from the property and you won't have to move yourself with the kids. Woman's aid can advise on that

It may be your islamic marriage conducted in a country where this is the legal norm and practices Sharia law is treated as legal in the UK when you move here. Think it can depend on where it was done and your residence status at the time. You definitely need proper legal advice for your particular circumstances. A sharia marriage carried out in UK is not legally recognised unless there's been a civil ceremony too as sharia law isn't recognised.

Get some proper help pronto, Women's Aid for domestic abuse and a specialist solicitor even for some brief advice. You need to know where you are legally so you can withstand your partner's shouting and bullying. Please try to put your plans in place in secret to avoid a sustained period of heightened abuse. It's hard enough splitting up without being abused at the same time. Best of luck.

If you are not legally married in the UK, that's a good thing given that you earn 3 x more than him. Given your good professional eRnings, why do you have no money? Where's all your wages going? Don't say you give it to him?

Agree with PP. You need to find out if your marriage is legally recognised in this country. If not it would be easier for you to split up, especially given your the higher earner. How are you financially? - joint accounts, etc?, can you put money into your own named account for example.

You can contact the Muslim Women's Network for specific advice on marriage and domestic abuse. You can also phone Rights of Women for free legal advice.

Invaluable advice , thank you everyone.
To answer some of the questions, both kids have SEN and have been failed spectacularly by the local council and schools. both go to private schools now where they are thriving.
That's where every last penny goes.
I have often thought about calling the police when he's smashing things but the kids are already so traumatised I sort of miss the boat as I'm focussed on keeping them calm. I also worry about the impact it will have on them particularly the 6 year old - watching me call the police on her daddy and the police coming to remove him. Will he able to come back to the house afterwards? I worry that he will make my life hell is he can be very aggressive. He pushed me last night indent of my older child! Something mundane set him off.

I will contact Muslim Women's Network.

We have no joint assets apart from the home we live in.

Lots of foreign marriages are valid here and don’t need to be registered here. Google the country name and you should be able to check.
I would see a solicitor and they can advise you on the money side of things.

Can someone advise on this particularly?

If I report my husband to the police for physical assault or smashing things in the house, will they remove him even if he is the joint owner of the property?
Will he be able to return to the property later?

On the one hand, calling the police means that there is a criminal record to reduce the chances of him attempting full custody of ur children.

If he doesn't like you, he is unlikely to go quietly. He will go for what you want; happiness and safety of children.

On the other hand, poking the fire could have horrific results. Many women have been killed in your situation. Children are then the full custody of dad who (in your situation) may not continue to support their current education.

Contact women's aid and discuss the idea of counseling at school for children.

Have you considered talking to organisations like Karma Nirvana... I think that they may be able to advise you and understand the challenges you are facing.

The police can issue a Domestic Violence Protection Notice which will protect you for 48 hrs. If they think you're in danger they can apply for a Domestic Violence Protection Order which last up to 28 days. That bans him from returning to the home and contacting you. If he violates the Order, he can be arrested.

You can apply for a non molestation order to stop any violence and an occupation order to keep him away from the house.You really need to get advice though.

Don't tell him you're planning on leaving as the abuse could escalate.

I'm sure it's all the same advice you have been given, but a trip to a solicitor to see if your marriage is legal here. Because preparation would look very different whichever way it turns out.
Then you tell him you want a separation, do you have anyone who could care for the kids whilst you tell him? I have one with SEN so I know it could be a mean feat to do that!

And call the police if he kicks off.
Move quickly with financial settlements and enjoy your life when you're rid of him.

Thank you everyone. Great advice from everyone. This is all so overwhelming and I have no one to talk to IRL.
I will look into the links people have suggested.

The advice you've been given is very good, @justwantobehappy1095: find support (Muslim women network, women's aid, legal advice...) before anything, keep it a secret, protect yourself and your children.
I just wanted to add: you are brave and strong and intelligent, for doing this. You can and will get out of this. I wish you the best sincerely 🙏

Thank you so much everyone. The last message particularly made me tearful. Kindness of total strangers ❤️
I have noted all the resources people have suggested and will investigate them all.
Thank you once again. I am extremely grateful.

I think you need specialist legal advice. Apart from your joint home, do either of you have assets either joint / perhaps joint / single, either in the UK or abroad? I presume your status is such that you would both be able to stay in the UK if your marriage / relationship breaks down. It may be that you will need the money currently spent on school fees so you can each be housed post split.

@justwantobehappy1095 ❤💐🍀🙏