Bit of a long thread so sorry in advance. Its been going on for so long that I feel I need to seriously vent. I've been with husband for 23 years, married for 15, with 2 children 8 and 11. Ever since our kids were born there was a serious shift in the work load dynamics which shifted 99% of the load onto me. Be it child related or general house work, it became my job. I wrked full time prior to our 1st born, and then went back part time after mat leave. Although the work load was difficult I found it doable with 1 child. Fast forward 3 yrs to 2nd kid, it wasn't so doable. This is when I noticed a real change in my husbands attitude. Because of the second child he was now expected to step up to more responsibility which he didn't handle well. He soon realised that the 3x a week which he would spend after wrk in his local pub needed to be scaled-down. His relaxing baths with a beer in his hand were no more. His Saturdays watching football were threatened. I could tell he resented us for this sudden change of lifestyle, so much so that he began to lie about what time he was finishing wrk so he could still sit in the pub after. Hes a builder so his workday varied massively meaning he could finish half a day sometimes but hed still choose the pub.
I really did feel like a married single mum, so much so that I began to live like one. Most of our day trips I did on my own with the kids without him. He'd be happy to sit at home and watch football on a sat etc. He had zero input in our children's lives and seemed happy about it. It was sickening to see other families out enjoying time together with active fathers. It made me so sad that we hadnt got that. I'd bring the subject up time and time again and he'd tell me that he works hard and was often tired at the weekends and didn't want to go out and he was so sorry for working hard! It didn't matter what I did, he always felt as though he'd worked harder and was more deserving of that break. Any conversation I raised about my work load would just turn into a 1 up point scoring argument about whos job was more physically demanding and who earned the most. I felt alone and trapped.
Fast forward to covid lock down. Strangely this worked in our favour. I actually feel as though this saved our marriage. Pubs were closed, which meant he came straight home from work. General life was slower so we began to spend more time together as a family. I was furloughed so work life balance wasn't stressful. My husband left his job and started his own building buisness. I helped him with all of the administrative bits that he couldn't get his head around. Things were looking brighter. The world slowly opened again and I was called back to wrk. Schools were still shut and so we had zero childcare. We tried to juggle it for a while with husband having a day off here and there while I was a wrk but with him running his own buisness and missing out on big contracts due to childcare restrictions it wasn't feasible. We were loosing far too much money as a family. My job was just above minimum wage pay and he was earning 3x that so we made the difficult decision for me to give up my receptionist job and stay home full time. For a few years things were great. He seemed happier and less stressed and helped out more. Prior to this he drink every night but now he'd restricted himself to weekeds only. Life had changed. He had made a real active effort to change too. I loved been at home with the kids and not having the added stress of wrk. I carried on running the admin side of his buisness and it all fell into place. I think we were actually both happy.
Recently things have slipped. I'm still at home with the kids and doing his admin but now that my older son is in high school, I'm on the lookout for another part time job. My husband seems to be having another crisis. It started about 12mths ago. He lost motivation where his works concerned and began to spend the odd day at home. The odd day turned in to 2 or 3 until eventually his hours became litterally part time. He'd created a buisness from nothing that was really profitable and now he was litterally running it into the ground because he couldn't be bothered to get out of bed in the morning. He was making excuses to clients and letting people down on a weekly basis. Then the weekend drinking crept up again. Friday and sat night drinks became Thurs, Fri, Sat and Sunday nights. I noticed the sudden reluctance to help with chores and his enjoyment of things like family days out seemed to disappear again. I spoke to him about me getting back to wrk and him sharing childcare with him been at home a couple of days a week. I didn't want him to be stressed about being the sole earner and thought it may help if I take some of the financial burden away. He told me that hes got lots of wrk lined up so will need me to handle childcare and explained that he just needs to sort his motivation out. I've given him 12mths to sort his motivation out and nothing has changed. Things are slowly slipping backwards and I feel sick just thinking about going back to the single married mum life. Hes very volatile. I try to talk calmly to him but he just tries to shout me into submission. He knows this works as I don't want the kids to hear him raging so I very often back down. Every conversation I try to have with him just turns into an argument now about how I don't work so I can't moan at him for sitting at home, even though I gave up a job of 14 years which I loved, to help support his buisness and our family. When the argument settles I start job hunting. He tells me to stop being stupid as he just said those things in temper and I should know that he doesn't mean it. Its just a cycle that spins around and around and I'm slowly beginning to feel used up, worn out and hopeless again, but this time I have no job, no money of my own and no means of escape. I don't even know why I writting this to be honest. I just needed to get it off my chest. I'd be intressted in knowing if anyone else has had or is currently having similar issues and how it all played out. Thank you for sticking with my massive thread🙈