Husband secretly messaging ex-girlfriend

[WMM1001]

I live abroad now (7 years) and after returning to the UK to visit my gravely ill mum (breast cancer - palliative care) - I accidentally discovered that my husband of 21 years had secretly been messaging her previously long-term ex-girlfriend (before me) on LinkedIn. Hehad also reached out to other ex-girlfriends on Facebook Messenger.

There is some irony as her LinkedIn ex previously cheated on him and caught them in bed together - hence I've always had a healthy dislike of this girl. One girl did respond in Messenger but nothing progressed.

I love my husband dearly and have never for one moment had feelings for anyone else and have believed we have operated transparently and 100% honestly. My husband was away when I made this discovery with my eldest daughter on a dance trip (I have two other children) so had to process and digest and decide how to confront him.

I decided to take a breath and consider what may have caused it. We have been going through a rough time - he lost his job suffered workplace bullying and there has been financial pressure on us. When he returned for the sake of my daughter I did not say anything until she had gone to bed. When I said I had discovered these messages he said it was nothing and it was over. I have been incredibly upset and my heart truly broken.

He now says he's sorry but it started as looking for new job opportunities that she may help and she was very comforting - she is in the States and we are in Australia - about 20 messages over 4 weeks were exchanged - ending with 'you are like a breath of fresh in my life'! from my husband! He is having counselling for the workplace bullying whilst I have been left to support him by doing everything, cooking, and cleaning chores as he recovers from the workplace bullying. That is OK as I love him.

He is also depressed because he misses the UK and wants to return home but the kids and I are settled in (I have a really good job). My concern is that I am going to suffer from exhaustion keeping the family together and trying desperately to save the relationship - I have asked to go to marriage counseling but he says it is too hard to consider whilst he deals with his depression and anxiety from the bullying and missing the UK. Now I have just seen his Facebook history and have seen that he searched for his ex-girlfriend whilst he was ill with Covid in Feb 5 months earlier.

He is also forever on his phone looking at sports pages and when I try and get any attention he says I am being too demanding. As I write this I am thinking what the hell am I doing staying with him but I love him and find him so attractive it cripples me - I cannot bear the thought of him being someone else. I am forever cuddling and hugging him but he never initiates anything - I'm at a loss - please please help me!

He’s indifferent to you, and has had an EA. You are doing all the housework and running around while he’s on his phone. Please read this again and give your head a wobble

First post is right, Exactly what Dusty said

I'm so sorry, but he's checked out. He wants to go home, and unfortunately he's pulling all the strings he can to get there, including rekindling things with old flames. This doesn't seem like something he wants to sustain.

Find your anger. You're already doing everything do if he wants to go back to the uk I'd let him. He's not bringing anything to the party right now.

Move to the U.K. or you will probably lose your marriage.

But she could move and lose him anyway, and then she’s living where she doesn’t want to be.

Can you sustain your life abroad alone? If so do that and tell him to bugger off

The messaging aside, he sounds really unhappy

I think you need to recognise that your husband is really unhappy and depressed. For whatever reason he doesn’t want to be where he is. Quite honestly, I would accept that this marriage isn’t working and you need to have a frank discussion. If you move back to the UK it isn’t likely that the marriage will survive anyway and you’ll have lost your job and your daughter will be disrupted. I think you need to face facts and get some counselling for yourself. You’re going to end up burnt out and resentful . Your husband isn’t an active participant in your marriage.

Your H has checked out of your marriage and you running yourself ragged isn’t going to change that. Let him go before he drags you down even further.

Agree with other PP - he’s unhappy, he’s checked out and he’s putting the wheels in motion to return to the UK.

'He is having counselling for the workplace bullying whilst I have been left to support him by doing everything, cooking, and cleaning chores as he recovers from the workplace bullying.'

Is that a joke?

On what planet would hurty words at work cause a grown man to not be able to do his share of housework? In fact, physical exertion can be good for the mind!

What a pathetic excuse of a man.

Completely agree. It’s not on you to fix him or save a relationship that doesn’t seem to provide what you need.

So whenever he's ill/not coping he's trying to find ex's to message? Meanwhile sat at home doing nothing all day but moping? I'd tell him to go. He doesn't want to help by talking about it. Even if you do all uproot your lives and move back with him, if this is what he does at every setback he's only going to do it again in the future. He won't get counciling to get to the root of the problem so he's obviously not that interested.

If he's not working he needs to have some respect and step up abd do the chores. He will get more depressed if he has nothing to do ... other than message ex girlfriends.
Give him a list of what needs doing each day.

First of all is he feeling depressed or does he have clinical depression? Either way, it's no excuse.

That’s true. But sometimes people need to do what the other person wants. So it comes down to what is more important. Location or marriage. I just think if she doesn’t move to U.K. it’s 100% going to end. If she does move doesn’t mean it’s 0% though.

AI/Chat GPT nonsense

Unless he needs to be hospitalized he can cook, do the washing and clean

Thanks everyone - the posts really tell me what I feared and not able to accept. I have two brothers in the uk and elderly parents and feel as though I need them for my own security as the trust is broken and as many have said he has checked out. My concern now is the children and how we integrate them back into the UK - I approached the idea of marriage counselling and the attempt to contact exes predates the workplace bullying but was told that it was my fault as I was not doing enough to support him whilst he had Covid. Will let people know how I go with next steps…..😢

I’m not sure why you e decided to go back to the UK. Just because your parents and brothers are there?

was told that it was my fault as I was not doing enough to support him whilst he had Covid.

Wow. He sounds like a manipulative arse.

I’m sorry you feel you must leave the life you enjoy where you are. That’s all going to be hard. Are you sure you do need to, you can’t stay there with your kids and just let him go? As you and they are well settled and happy.

Why do you need to go back to the UK and uproot your children?

Let him go back if that’s what he’s chosen but you don’t need to follow him to try and save a relationship which seems dead in the water. Don’t destroy your own lives for a man who has checked out

This.

If you and the kids are happy and settled where you are, then stay there. Let Mr Mid-life Crisis crack on with moving away and blaming everyone else for his poor behaviour.

Or, as an adult human male who's lived in a house, worn clean clothes, and eaten meals all his life, he could just have a look around and decide what he's going to do first.