Married to a man I have little in common with

[Northernalignment]

I do love him in a way but because we have little in common I do find I’m living a life I’m not sure in some ways I’d choose. I don’t know if anyone can relate … feeling like I need to let it out. (I don’t want to leave by the way.)

You married him so you must have had something in common. What's changed?

I don’t think anything’s changed really @username7891 . It sounds stupid but we kind of fell together - both on the cusp of turning 40 and although we never said so bluntly I think we both knew we were one another’s last chance for a family. Then lockdown happened and things happened rapidly.

Maybe it isn’t the not having much in common, more missing the flexibility and freedom I had once.

You settled and now regret the decision?

No, I don’t think I do regret it, I certainly didn’t want my life to continue as it was and I wouldn’t have had children otherwise.

But it is true that there are restrictions on how I live - but thinking about it I suppose that’s true whoever you marry; regardless. I suppose unless you stay single forever there’s always going to be compromise.

By not much in common, what do you mean? Sense of humour, personality, interests, intelligence level, religion, life goals...?
And what do you mean by restrictions on how you live?

I suppose just thinks like holidays, I love animals, he hates them, we have different tastes in decor and houses, we manage to compromise but the problem is it’s always the one who doesn’t like who wins if that makes sense. So if you have two people and one loves dogs and the other hates them obviously the one who hates them wins, which I understand, but it does mean your life is quite different to how it would otherwise look.

I would concentrate on the kids and their well being if the man is not abusive, will forgive him many many ordinary failings but also, I am not a soul who can live without similar interests and a good soulful conversation.....

try to make it work if he is a good man , caring husband and loving father

I think Comparability is ultimately what makes a relationship work & be happy in the long run.

That can come down to simple things like how you both deal with conflict together.

How about trying to find some shared interests?

It doesn't have to be the one who doesn't want to change or do something who prevails. In some things, you just do them yourself or with your share or whatever. I think this is important.

My ds is not keen on animals.
His dw has had cats and now has two dogs.
i asked ds why his dw had dogs if he didn’t like them, his answer was that his dw is an adult and as long as she cares for the dogs he has no right to stop her from having them.
He has stuck to his guns though and doesn’t walk or feed the dogs.

Look at Borrow my doggie” website or Cinnamon trust , to help your neighbours care for their doggies.. help with walking etc.. my partner couldn’t stand a dog in the house either but I get over it this way..

its really not about the dogs, but thanks

If you got together fairly recently (ie around lockdown) and have young children then the "flexibility and freedom" you are missing might owe a lot to now being a parent, more than the relationship. Can you separate two?

Hi. On the surface my husband and I are different. He likes routine. I like spontaneity. He's not social - I am. I like animals, he doesn't - we compromised and have 2 cats!!
However our underlying values are the same. We want our kids to share these values too.
My kids are a bit older now so I do more things I want. Sometimes I'm sad I share this with friends and not my partner. But it is how it is. I can't change him. He doesn't try to change me.

I think you have to accept that sometimes life is a compromise. Some people meet their great love early on and live happily ever after. The majority are not so lucky.

If your DH is a good man, a good provider and a good dad, think long and hard before you disrupt a good marriage because of a general feeling of discontent.

Your DCs will be very young so concentrate on building a lovely life and family with the man that you chose because believe me, if you throw it away on the search for Mr Right, you will likely regret it. Own your choice and your decision.

Believe me the grass is not greener and it's slim pickings out there. Internet dating and online porn has ruined many men IMO.

I don’t know. It’s so hard, it doesn’t seem to be just not having much in common. He used to be a nice person but honestly I feel like every year that’s gone by he’s become less pleasant, can be thoughtless / selfish (never sure which really) I seem to irritate him.

You don't have to stay married to him, he doesn't sound very nice, why should you always compromise? where's his accommodating your needs?

do you enjoy his company?
people can and do change as they get older, can get more grumpy and cantankerous for sure.
or is it possible you weren’t with him for long enough beforehand to really see his true whole personality warts and all?

you’re experiencing marriage and children which is what you wanted. Would it help to have in your head to get through the early years with your kids then consider if you’d be happier separated in future?

You could also try and focus on the things you do have in common and do both enjoy and make sure you do those things as much as possible,