Abusive relationship - leaving and emotions

[thebluehen]

I'm leaving my partner after 16 yrs and 14 yrs living together.

Only really realised this year that he's abusive.

Mainly minimising of me, belittling me, silent treatment, angry outbursts over nothing which come from nowhere. The most astonishing double standards. Making small and large decisions that affect me without consulting me. Uncaring and unkind. Angry when I'm sick....

Whilst I am angry at him, and wanting to be free of his control and walking on eggshells and feeling like nothing. I also feel so very sad at what I'm going to lose. The nice things, the fun times, the company, his family, my home....

It's making me wobble and I just don't know if I can do it. I'm barely sleeping and exhausted with the stress. He's been on "best behaviour" for a few months since an incident that made me make up my mind to leave. It's taken me this long to sort out my housing situation and I'm now just waiting for my opportunity to leave (date planned). He doesn't know I'm leaving as I can't be sure he won't just kick me out without my possessions.

I'm 50 yrs old and feeling very scared and vulnerable.

Don't feel scared OP. The alternative is putting up with this for the rest of your life and it getting worse.

I am sure you will get soooo much support on here as sadly too many women understand and can relate. Not all have found the courage to leave so kudos for that. It’s incredibly difficult.

you’re about to embark on a rollercoaster of emotions. I highly recommend the freedom program. I am currently part way through this and it’s so nice to not feel so alone and understand it’s not my fault.

the thing I personally struggle with the most is just how much I miss my ex despite my logical brain knowing I am happier and healthier without him. We were only together a short period of 2 and a bit years so I can only imagine 16 years will feel a lot more of a loss.

be kind to yourself, take each day as it comes. Make a list of all the reasons you left and read it each time you have a wobble, remind yourself why you’re doing this.

with abuse, people always think oh just leave but it’s not so simple. It’s easy to focus on the bad but abusive relationships are not always bad. If they were I’m sure a lot more people would leave but they are good too. That’s the head fuck, you live and long for the good moments because you know they happen.

full support and understanding. My inbox is always open x

i hope you get out soon. i.e. not living with him. i was 51 when it all went eurgh with me and the thing i live by now - when you drive you look out of the front window much more than the rear view mirror - i.e. look forwards loads and not back. i suppose you might think i'm sticking my head in the sand but it works for me.
realllly good luck. i was left with all sorts of MH things which i can't shake but "we're all broken. that's how the light gets in" as said someone famous but i can't remember who.

Ths. I left an abusive relationship when my kids were 2.6 and 8 months old. Not a day goes by where I'm not thankful to my past self for finding the strength to leave. Fear of the unknown is so scary but honestly in a years time you'll be like wow x

You are very brave and strong to be where you are right now. When you’re out, you’ll be able to feel the relief and the joy of planning your own future free of criticism and nasty remarks. And without the eggshells and the fear. You won’t know yourself soon- you’ll be able to get back to the person you were before he worked you over. She’s still there- but even stronger than she was before. And she won’t have to say of her partner that “I can't be sure he won't just kick me out without my possessions.” Imagine that. That’s going to be your reality- not the one where you are afraid he would kick you out and steal or destroy your possessions, just for wanting something else.

Thank you all.

Yes the very fact I have no idea how he will react if I were to tell him I'm leaving is very telling isn't it?

I just can't reason with him at all. It's his way or no way. Sometimes he'll pretend to appreciate my feelings but his actions don't back it up.

I feel like I'm grieving but he's there right in front of me. I just wish he could be nice all the time. See my point of view. But I know it's not like that. It's not that he can't see my point of view, he wants to manipulate me for his own gain.

Good luck. Lean on your family/friends for support.

This post is so insightful. You're completely right - he doesn't want to see your point of view and he will be looking for further opportunities to manipulate you.

One of the most important things to accept when leaving an abusive relationship is that they won't see your side of things but regardless you have to go with your intuition. It's hard after a lot of manipulation because you learn to ignore your intuition. You've got to be really firm here with your own truth and put what he thinks in the bin.

If it gives you hope, I left a relationship with a horrible man last year. I'm now dating someone who is so kind to me that I can't believe my luck sometimes. I would never have found a healthy relationship if I hadn't been prepared to get away from Mr Nice Some of the Time.

But even before I was in my current relationship, I really was fine being single. You can't put a price on your peace of mind. It was so relaxing, honestly. It's just such a nice feeling knowing no one is going to insult you or start a spiteful argument.

An update - I left him!

I am now in my own home. There's a lot that needs doing and I feel a bit overwhelmed at times but I do know that I have done the right thing. Emotions are all over the place.

He is hassling me a lot on messenger. I've asked him to respect my need for time and space and yet he still keeps on and on. He hasn't apologised for anything. We spoke on the phone and he made up a load of stuff that he has decided I said to him to "equalise the score".

I am so grateful to everyone that has helped me, including the messages on here.

i'm so relieved you've moved out etc.
unfortunately (from horrible previous times) it's probably best to keep the messages/phone calls/etc as the police might want to see them if it goes into a harrassment situation. eurgh.

it's a horrible time but you sound like you're facing in the right direction. if i could find a /saluting/ emoji then i'd put one.