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Original poster

STBXH won't see our DCS at Xmas cause he is going to GFs instead

87 replies

PinkSimba · 30/10/2024 21:09

There is of course a load of backstory to this but I will try and keep it short.

In the summer, H left me with no warning. Since then, he seems to have had a personality transplant. Overnight, he went from being a man who wanted to spend as much time as he could with family to only seeing the DCS on Saturday mornings and one evening a week. He also introduced his new GF at the worst time and was surprised they didn't welcome her with open arms (but that story could be a whole other thread). He wants to give me anything I want money-wise but seems desperate for the divorce to go through and keeps offering more and more things to me but then gets annoyed that I want them in writing because he "just wants everything done".

Before we even had the DCS, we have always spent Xmas morning opening presents at home and then go to ILs for dinner with his family.

During half term, the DCs normally make their Christmas lists, and then we choose some things off the list for family and friends to buy, some things for me and H to buy, and some things from Santa. We have done this for the last 5 years when the eldest was old enough to understand Xmas.

So H messaged me at the beginning of half term saying that I should message him one thing the DCs want that he can buy, and then he will send me money for Santa presents. I agreed and then asked him what his plan was for Xmas. He didn't reply.

So the other day, I picked up the DCS from PILS (H is kind of living there), and he met me at the door, which was already suspicious cause normally he just lets the DCs out, and I don't see him.

He had me sit next to PILS, and he explained to us all that this Xmas, he would happily see the DCS during the day on Xmas Eve, but he would then be travelling to spend the rest of Christmas Eve and Christmas Day at GF's parent's house. He won't be returning till late December.

I asked him what about our DCS and he said they'd be fine. He will take them on Christmas Eve for a few hours "extra" to let me get some things done. He then launched into an I shouldn't expect everything to be the same lecture.
I pointed out that I didn't expect it to be the same, but I was expecting him to see his DCS.
I assumed that I'd have them in the morning, and he would take them to PILs for dinner, and they'd come back when they were ready.

He then started to get arsey saying that any other parent would be thrilled to have all of Xmas, and I need to see that he has two families now and it would be unfair for him not to see GF and her DCS, and he has already promised them he will be there.

PILs then got upset, asking him why he was acting like his family didn't exist. He blamed their upset on me. I just said goodbye, got the DCs, and went home.

Since then, he has messaged me to say that this is the plan and he won't be changing it, so we all need to accept it and move on.

I am so annoyed at him; it's like he has become a completely different man in the last 4 months. How can he want to spend Christmas without his kids? Normally, he loves Xmas and watching the kids’ open presents, going to ILs for his mum's roast, and seeing his siblings and their families. I keep thinking how upset the DCs are going to be when they don't get to see him, and that's before they find out he is spending it with the GF family. I keep trying to think of ways I can get him to see them, but I doubt they will work because he has made up his mind, and these days, he doesn't seem to care what anyone else says. He's just convinced that everything he says/does is right.

OP posts:
femfemlicious · 31/10/2024 06:43

Businessflake · 30/10/2024 21:38

Absolutely his loss. Unfortunately you have the difficult job of supporting your children through their realisation that their father doesn’t give a shit about them.

I've had to do this too. Its heartbreaking. Men can be so selfish and cruel 😔

femfemlicious · 31/10/2024 06:47

Bunnie007 · 30/10/2024 21:44

Enjoy your day with the children. He has obviously already and continues to make some very poor decisions that do not put his children first. Continue to make them your priority. I would organise some therapy for them (your school may be able to help you with this, or you should get him to pay!) To support them through this. If you’re not already I would try and get some talking therapy too, to help you process this huge loss- as you say he has literally changed as a husband and father! Why his new partner would want a man who will happily not see his own children who knows but I pity them both. Focus on your children and having the best day you can with them. Don’t ‘beg’ him to do the right thing, he doesn’t deserve your time and your children don’t deserve this treatment from him or him being with them wishing he was somewhere else!

I wonder how some women reason honestly. How does she think it's OK for him not to see his own children at Christmas

StormingNorman · 31/10/2024 06:51

femfemlicious · 31/10/2024 06:47

I wonder how some women reason honestly. How does she think it's OK for him not to see his own children at Christmas

Show quote history

May I direct you to the step parenting board?

Candleabra · 31/10/2024 07:21

Do you have a solicitor? Get the divorce and financial settlement sorted quickly whilst he is being so amenable.
Xmas day is a shame for the kids but see it as an opportunity to start new traditions.
It’s kind of you to think of your PIL but I would do your own thing this year. Arrange to see them on a different day.

fashionqueen0123 · 31/10/2024 07:21

PinkSimba · 30/10/2024 23:46

Thank you for all your advice.
I don't know if spending Christmas Day with PILs would be an option. They have other kids and GCs going to theirs, so inviting them here isn't an option.
I guess if they invited me, I'd probably end up going for the DCs. I'm not sure if that would be awkward though.

Maybe have a chat with them. You don’t necessarily have to go for the whole day but if you get on with them (and they don’t see to be happy with their son!) it might be nice for you.

Berga · 31/10/2024 07:29

Your only responsibility here is towards YOUR relationship with DC. If this is how he wants his relationship to be with his DC (and his parents by the sound of it) then that is down to him. You don't make excuses or cover up for him. He takes responsibility for telling them.

You have the best fucking Christmas with them that you can and don't give one bit of headspace to your ex.

Oh, and you make sure you get everything you and DC need in this divorce and you do get it in writing. Including covering uni costs (if your DC decide to go). He doesn't get to swan off.

CrispieCake · 31/10/2024 07:36

femfemlicious · 31/10/2024 06:47

I wonder how some women reason honestly. How does she think it's OK for him not to see his own children at Christmas

Show quote history

I thought it was him who thought that, not her🤔.

femfemlicious · 31/10/2024 07:38

CrispieCake · 31/10/2024 07:36

I thought it was him who thought that, not her🤔.

Show quote history

She obviously thinks so because she is taking him with her hours away to spend it with HER family!

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 31/10/2024 07:45

At least you get the kids all day.
He’s in selfish mode so leave him to it. It’s his loss. Don’t slag him off to the kids. That will hurt them so much (my mum did this).

Make Christmas wonderful in your own way. The kids will remember you being a trooper. You can do it. X

I wouldn’t be communicating much re presents either. If he wants to be left to it let him sort it all out.

CrispieCake · 31/10/2024 07:45

femfemlicious · 31/10/2024 07:38

She obviously thinks so because she is taking him with her hours away to spend it with HER family!

Show quote history

Oh ok, misunderstood 😙. YANBU but ultimately the new GF is only responsible for her behaviour not his.

Canalboat · 31/10/2024 07:48

CrispieCake · 31/10/2024 07:45

Oh ok, misunderstood 😙. YANBU but ultimately the new GF is only responsible for her behaviour not his.

Show quote history

Yes but it should be a massive red flag to her you would think. Although I suppose it’s possible he could have told her lies about it.

AndThereSheGoes · 31/10/2024 07:50

TBH I would let it go and focus on how to make this a really fun one for the kids.

He might find he actually misses seeing his own kids at Christmas and you end up next year with him wanting them himself all day. That's a worse proposition.

Xiaoxiong · 31/10/2024 07:55

You have the opportunity to be the bigger person here - I'd ring your ILs and say look, I don't know what your son is doing but I know the DCs love seeing you for Christmas and I would love to keep up the tradition as family is important. If you would like to invite us that would be wonderful and please let me know what I can do to help on the day, however if you will have your hands full and prefer not to have us there I understand and we can have a quiet Christmas at home.

You need to make clear that this is their son's decision to change things, not you withholding the kids from their Christmas traditions and you are more than willing to facilitate contact with their GPs. The only person making it awkward is your exH and luckily, he won't be there!!

Stressymadre · 31/10/2024 07:56

I'm so sorry OP. This is a horrible situation for you and your ex sounds like an utterly shit dad. For me, realising I couldn't protect my children from their dad's crappy behaviour was the hardest thing for me to deal with, all of the shit he put me through, this will be the thing I will never get over. It does get easier, as in I don't react quite so emotionally each time, and as sad as it is, the kids don't react so much either - it's like they have accepted that's who he is. So hang in there, it's early days and just focus on being the best parent you can be. You will make new traditions xx

Toomanysquishmallows · 31/10/2024 08:01

Hi , I was in a similar situation, my ex has never seen dd at Christmas and stopped seeing her when she was 5 , she is now 25! I agree with other posters , he has shown you clearly who he is , move on and get the divorce sorted . Good luck

mindutopia · 31/10/2024 08:30

I very rarely saw my dad on Christmas. It was great. I loved the day with my mum and other family and having no drama. Enjoy a lovely day and make it special for your dc. Could you all go to your IL or to other family?

Whyherewego · 31/10/2024 08:36

We just alternate Christmas and always have done. Trying to make it some magical thing where they see both parents and it's all lovely is just not possible as you are rapidly finding out.

Take this as a sign that you need to make new traditions and new routines. Frankly for kids it's actually a pain to be ferried between two houses and leaving toys behind or being mid way through a lego build and it's time to go to daddy's or whatever. Take the advantage you've been given here by having the kids all day.

Try not to be upset about it as you'll just make the kids upset. Christmas is just a day. Around the world people celebrate Christmas eve and that's the special time. If he can make Xmas eve special and then you make Christmas day special then your kids have 2 special times.

Also it's sad for PIL but not your problem to solve for them. Make Christmas a new family routine for you and your family and try to move on.

lavenderlou · 31/10/2024 08:36

femfemlicious · 31/10/2024 06:47

I wonder how some women reason honestly. How does she think it's OK for him not to see his own children at Christmas

Show quote history

I think that's deflecting from the issue of the H. He could have told her anything, like OP won't allow him to see the DC on Xmas day. The issue here is a Dad who doesn't want to spend Christmas with his children.

Stormyweatheroutthere · 31/10/2024 08:36

He will obviously have told new gf he isn't 'allowed' to see his dc at Christmas
...

Chocoholicnightmare · 31/10/2024 08:43

LifeD1lemma · 30/10/2024 21:27

I’m so sorry. You must be so disappointed for your DC. Thank goodness they’ve got you, and they will have a lovely Christmas.

If he’s not going to be at your PILs, would you be comfortable going there with the kids in the afternoon? If that’s been your usual tradition it might be nice to keep it going this year, and would minimise the change.

Definitely don’t bother trying to persuade him to change his mind, or make any effort to accommodate him whatsoever. He’s shown where his priorities lie and he doesn’t deserve you or the kids.

I agree with this. His parents will be upset that he's not going to them too. If it is something you have always done, go ahead and go (if you are on good terms with them?). He's being extremely selfish and obviously isn't secure in his new relationship if he thinks he can't tell her that he's seeing his own kids on Xmas day (and if he's staying at his parents' anyway, it's something he could easily arrange). Good for you for continuing as you would and not getting caught up with arguments about it it, as this world only fuel his fire to say you're being unreasonable. I've been with my DP for 5 years, but wouldn't ever expect him to give up his Xmas with his kids and he would for me either xxx

ChiefEverythingOfficer · 31/10/2024 08:48

PinkSimba · 30/10/2024 21:09

There is of course a load of backstory to this but I will try and keep it short.

In the summer, H left me with no warning. Since then, he seems to have had a personality transplant. Overnight, he went from being a man who wanted to spend as much time as he could with family to only seeing the DCS on Saturday mornings and one evening a week. He also introduced his new GF at the worst time and was surprised they didn't welcome her with open arms (but that story could be a whole other thread). He wants to give me anything I want money-wise but seems desperate for the divorce to go through and keeps offering more and more things to me but then gets annoyed that I want them in writing because he "just wants everything done".

Before we even had the DCS, we have always spent Xmas morning opening presents at home and then go to ILs for dinner with his family.

During half term, the DCs normally make their Christmas lists, and then we choose some things off the list for family and friends to buy, some things for me and H to buy, and some things from Santa. We have done this for the last 5 years when the eldest was old enough to understand Xmas.

So H messaged me at the beginning of half term saying that I should message him one thing the DCs want that he can buy, and then he will send me money for Santa presents. I agreed and then asked him what his plan was for Xmas. He didn't reply.

So the other day, I picked up the DCS from PILS (H is kind of living there), and he met me at the door, which was already suspicious cause normally he just lets the DCs out, and I don't see him.

He had me sit next to PILS, and he explained to us all that this Xmas, he would happily see the DCS during the day on Xmas Eve, but he would then be travelling to spend the rest of Christmas Eve and Christmas Day at GF's parent's house. He won't be returning till late December.

I asked him what about our DCS and he said they'd be fine. He will take them on Christmas Eve for a few hours "extra" to let me get some things done. He then launched into an I shouldn't expect everything to be the same lecture.
I pointed out that I didn't expect it to be the same, but I was expecting him to see his DCS.
I assumed that I'd have them in the morning, and he would take them to PILs for dinner, and they'd come back when they were ready.

He then started to get arsey saying that any other parent would be thrilled to have all of Xmas, and I need to see that he has two families now and it would be unfair for him not to see GF and her DCS, and he has already promised them he will be there.

PILs then got upset, asking him why he was acting like his family didn't exist. He blamed their upset on me. I just said goodbye, got the DCs, and went home.

Since then, he has messaged me to say that this is the plan and he won't be changing it, so we all need to accept it and move on.

I am so annoyed at him; it's like he has become a completely different man in the last 4 months. How can he want to spend Christmas without his kids? Normally, he loves Xmas and watching the kids’ open presents, going to ILs for his mum's roast, and seeing his siblings and their families. I keep thinking how upset the DCs are going to be when they don't get to see him, and that's before they find out he is spending it with the GF family. I keep trying to think of ways I can get him to see them, but I doubt they will work because he has made up his mind, and these days, he doesn't seem to care what anyone else says. He's just convinced that everything he says/does is right.

I have nothing other than, what a fucking bell-end twat faced cunt.

You and your children deserve better. I am so sorry OP.

Larrythebloodycat · 31/10/2024 09:12

BirthdayRainbow · 30/10/2024 21:39

My kids are young adults and last Christmas was the first since we split. He didn't ask if he could come and see them open their stockings and gifts. Shitty presents from him.

Try and reach acceptance that he is a twat, you focus on the kids and make a nice Christmas for yourself and the kids. Ignore him as much as possible. Maybe invite the PIL to you if you're still close with them.

Try and reach acceptance that he is a twat

This is the nub of it. If you try to hang on to your belief in his essential decency, you could end up wasting a lot of effort and energy.

2024onwardsandup · 31/10/2024 09:17

The silver lining is his parents - forgot about him (easier said than done - but can be done) - have an open conversation about them about how you want them to continue to be in the kids lives and manage that directly with them.

soudns like there’s enough live going around that the kids will be okay

2024onwardsandup · 31/10/2024 09:18

Open conversation WITH his parents

Tbry24 · 31/10/2024 09:21

Do not engage with him any further. Enjoy your new style Christmas this year with new traditions. From now on Christmas is you and the kids, he just decided that for everyone. In the future you will realise this is a blessing as you do not have to share with him as he’s busy with GF and her family.

Might be weird as don’t know if you still get on with your in laws but you say you’ve always seen them, so why not invite them over Christmas morning to see the children and have a mince pie etc. They are probably both very sad about everything.

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