How can I stop going back to an abusive relationship

[TheSnugHare]

I started the freedom programme online yesterday night. I have gone back to him countless times. He doesn’t do anything I just feel so low and have an urge to go back for whatever reason. Is there anything I should or can be doing? Any recommended books/worksheets?
TIA

I would recommend therapy. Talking to someone who is completely separate from the relationship and who can untangle all the issues and reasons for why you keep going back to him.

You are worth more than this, you just can't see that at the moment.

Yes. As I advised on your thread yesterday. You could contact a domestic abuse organisation for support, get some therapy and while doing the Freedom Programme is great, doing it in person is better.

I got 6 weeks of counselling and I didn’t find it helpful. I have autism and ADHD and they were speaking to me as though I was neurotypical. I found the whole thing draining and didn’t learn a thing because I couldn’t focus or understand.

Do you have children? Do you want children? Try to imagine bringing children into your situation.

The Autism Society has a searchable directory. where you could look for therapy. You could also try BACP for a suitable therapist. It's best to call and ask them about their approach.

Your local domestic abuse organisation may know of specialised therapists, it's worth asking.

the examples between the good man and the bad man on the freedom programme are confusing because he can be both. He does call me by my name, only in a condescending way to address me when I’m the only one there. He calls me insults as well

It's very common for an abusive man not to be abusive all the time. You might find the Cycle of Abuse interesting and notice a pattern.

@TheSnugHare I think you're doing really well.

My ex husband was emotionally abusive and we separated earlier on this year. I've had thoughts of going back to him, as it feels like one part of me still wants that "love" (it wasn't really love but it somehow felt like it), connection and familiarity. My ex was like Jekyll and Hyde with a nice and nasty side, so it was very confusing.

I've been feeling terrible recently and have very low self esteem - my ex blamed me for all the relationship problems, as well as being contemptuous, angry and irritated with me for years, so I've been feeling like I'm awful and no one would ever want me again.

Up until now I have been seeing my ex three times a week for various reasons, and spending time with him and the kids all together, but I have now realised that every time I saw him I was retraumatised. I am now planning to limit all contact with him as much as possible. Do you see your ex much and, if so can you limit the contact? I think it is really the only way to heal.

I am also trying to reach out to friends and family more, and plan social activities (which I wouldn't have done when I was in the marriage). Also going to the gym. I think as well as doing courses etc (which are very useful) I've found it's also a case of setting up new routines and people to spend time with, as I think part of why we miss them is that they were such a big part of our lives, and our life and future can suddenly seem empty without them.

All the very best to you, it's such a hard time, but we will get through it 💐

@TheSnugHare something to remember is that your brain can become addicted to the highs and lows of the abuse cycle. This is why so many don't leave for first few times. You literally cannot.

Work on yourself. Learn the patterns and cycles and how to break them. Take time and self reflection to overcome what you have endured and forgive yourself if you weaken.

Always remember - it was never you. It was always just him. Nothing you could have said or done would have changed him and never will.

Delete his info from your phone and all SM and keep striving to overcome.

You can do it.

@TheSnugHare There is a cycle of abuse: abusers can be nice. But so can everyone. It’s how abusers behave when they’re treating you badly that you need to focus on.

But also: who else and what else have you got in your life? You need to have other people and other interests and activities in your life to fill the hole you feel inside you.