I have realised where I went wrong in my relationships with men

[pebbledpeople]

.... how can I make sure it never happens again?

I married the first man that loved me, was attracted to me, adored me at least in the early times, pre kids.
He had nothing when I met him, no real job prospects, car, home. I financed and encouraged him in every way.
I was clearly desperate to find someone who loved me and have a family.
My childhood was one of paternal parental neglect through alcoholism and being expected to help my mum with parenting all other siblings which o resented .
Having done a lot of deep digging, I realise now that I never found him atttactive, numbed myself with alcohol to sleep with him, didn't love him and as he expected me to raise our children on my own while working full time and running out home , I had no respect for him. We were not compatible, I didn' t find him funny and he refused point blank to discuss any problems. We had very different parenting styles and again were wholly incompatible.
So he had affairs, I left with the kids and he has continued to live his life as a single man like when we were married. He doesn't see our kids as he has no interest and neither do they.

I'm trying to heal, release the guilt, shame and regret for engaging in that sham of a marriage or at least my
Part in it
.I genuinely believed that I loved him, tried to find attraction and connection but I lived an entire lie for 15 years.
I am trying to make sure this never happens again .
Have you any advice for me please.
I would like to enjoy true and equal romantic partnership into my older years.
I am 49.

Anyone ? Please?

We all make mistakes, but we can learn from these

We cannot change the past, but we can make a better future

Personally, I would make a list of things that you want to do for yourself & do them.
This may for example be;
Start a course
Start a new hobby
Visit a new place
Raise money for charity
Change jobs
Move to a new location
Do something in your local community, volunteer
Read a book, play music.do sport. do art
Travel
Spend time & energy on yourself

During this process, you may meet some new people, make some new friends, perhaps a new relationship

Your mistakes first time round are similar to mine - desperate to get settled, low expectations of marriage, men an alien species to me. Hung on for 15 years too long, feel abiding guilt to my children for giving them a rubbish dad.

With good insight into where you went wrong last time you've got a great foundation to find a wonderful relationship in the future. Have high expectations and firm boundaries.

FWIW I found DH2 when I was 50; we've been together ever since and are one of those nauseating couples who visibly enjoy each other's company despite being of pensionable age. But first of all make sure you are happy in your own company - you might find you prefer being alone.

I had a very dysfunctional childhood, stepfather was an alcoholic and my Mother was very self absorbed. She had a breakdown when he died from alcohol related issues. I ended up running the house at 13 as she was incapable for about 18 months. It did the opposite to me and put me off men completely plus much older sisters were getting divorced when I was about 17.

I never ever looked for another to make me happy, that’s the key really at any age though it’s hard. Do lots of stuff for yourself. I have tried so many hobbies it’s a little crazy, some have stayed and some haven’t. I met DH at 30 and resisted him for quite a while I was so reluctant but I very fortunately gave in eventually.

@C0l0urCatcherx10 that’s a great list.

I'm just coming out of this as well. Very traumatic and frightening and financial stress is very much affecting my mental health and ability to move forward and function.

I'm trying to stabilise myself and get work and push through but it's very challenging when you're in the middle of it.

I really identify with a a lot of what you say here. Very low self esteem and scarcity mindset and hanging onto people when I should have walked away - friends and partners. It's been the worst realisation so late on in life when isolation is now worse than ever.

All I know is that nothing is going to change quickly and I have a lot of work to do on myself. And zero zero energy or desire to meet men or date. Which is a relief in some ways, but I do feel horribly lonely but I know that's not a reason to date. Although yes one day I would like a relationship and someone who can accept me for who I am.

Unfortunately this is a familiar pattern for those of us who have had poor role models. We find any man who will at least initially give us love and affection.
I've done this three times. Each time ended up like this. I've learnt my lesson now and live on my own.
Quite honestly it would take years of psychoanalysis to sort my head out.
I just concentrate on giving my all to my lovely DS and DIL with whom I do have a good relationship.

I know where I went wrong. I have decided to stay single. I am very content.

Are you happy with yourself and in your own company? Placing responsibility for your happiness and self esteem in someone else's hands leaves you open to abuse.

I'm sorry to hear that OP.

I come from a very dysfunctional background of alcoholism, violence and abuse.

I often found myself in abusive friendships because I didn't have a clue about how people were meant to treat you. It meant that I accepted intolerable behaviour and had no way of challenging it.

I realised a few years ago that all my relationships have been abusive in some way. I found abusive behaviour very attractive, the pain was addictive and I was used to people who were meant to love you being abusive. I associated it with family.

I was co dependent and used to putting my feelings last and focusing on other people. I had therapy for the first time in my mid twenties and felt very uncomfortable as the therapist was concentrating on me. I kept asking about her, bizarrely.

To cut a long story short, I completely understand why you behave the way you do. I recommend therapy. I've had all kinds of therapy, from CBT, to psychodynamic, some was good,some was awful.

In the meantime I read up on family dynamics, co dependency, assertiveness and boundaries. In fact I did an assertiveness course. I also did mindfulness courses. I'm a lot better at listening to myself as you'll know someone is wrong for you but you're probably used to ignoring your feelings.

It's very simple, it won't happen again because you are not that person anymore.

Why are you feeling the need to "release the guilt, shame and regret for engaging in that sham of a marriage"? You had no inkling (like over 40% of people) that your marriage would end when you went into it - and I bet neither did he.

Accept that it happened and move on, older and wiser.

Another one here who has decided to stay single. I had a 20+ year long marriage with elements of abuse (mainly financial and emotional) and I have tried dating since but I just can't stand middle aged men. They are so inept, inadequate and demanding. I am a million times happier by myself and have thrown myself into making lots of friends instead. Out of my 6 single women friends only one is on apps and actively dating, the rest of us has just given up on men and said if we meet someone fantastic in the cereal aisle then so be it but none of us are actively going to look for one. They are just all so disappointing.

Thanks!
Yes I like my
Own company and I've taken up a new exercise and am doing a protracted personal development coaching course. It's excellent.

This morning was the first time I have admitted the opening post to myself and indeed all on here so I'm grateful for your insights and experiences .
I don't even know how to speak / flirt sadly.
I can hardly make eye contact with men.

They were always revered in my family and now I see my friends interactions with their partners through different t eyes of late. Generally, they are not spoken to with kindness or love. Generally they have transactional practical communications even socially .many have to ask if they can go to places/ events, spend
Certain modest monies despite them largely being main earners and are tracked in some Cases ... all in the name of ' concern' and planning family events.
It gives me shivers and I certainly do not want that.

It was a sham of a marriage from the start because you weren't attracted to him. My husband did that to me, used me because he thought he was entitled to someone who loved him. The lesson is obvious, stop marrying people you're not attracted to, it's not rocket science. And if you had to be drunk to be able to have sex with him then I'm not sure how you could have mistaken that for love.

I have also noticed since getting divorced that hardly any of my women friends who are in longterm relationships are actually happy. Most of them have men who are dull, selfish and grumpy, none of them would choose to spend a Saturday night with their men over their friends. It's like they are expecting that life with a man should be a bit shit so they put up with it and then complain to their friends instead. For every year that goes by since my divorce I am gettint more and more convinced that a man has no place in my life. There are a few good ones of course but they aren't the ones that are single.

I convinced myself I was attracted to
Him but when it came down to
It I wasn't. It was genuinely unintentional. I can't explain it any other way.
I guess I found his behaviour then over the years so awful, all feelings towards him changed and I couldn't bear to sleep with the man, who had turned lecherous.

Thank you for sharing your experience OP. It resonated with me but I don’t have much concrete advice. On bad days I just think I’m broken for life. On better days I’m hopeful that maybe my current t relationship (with a lovely kind man) is going to work long term but I have very little confidence in my own judgement.

Same. Complete people pleaser. Married a guy who I had to finance basically. Had my child and when it ended he stopped seeing him and played games until he got another woman to finance him. Met another loser but that ended soon after. I then thought I'm mid 30s I'm.not wasting my life on pond scum. I met my now DH my list as follows...
Solvent
No 'crazy' exes
No crazy family
Must drive.
No sob stories
No body shaming.
And it worked. You will find some self esteem. You sound fab.

Oh I have a list too and I'm
Told its ridiculous , it's unrealistic but I'm sticking to my guns !!!
Thanks.
So much work done and now I feel I've so much more to get on with

Hi OP,
I am a very similar age to you and also contemplating divorce. My anxiety ridden, negative H not quite a disaster in the same level which for is making it harder, but I do dream of a warm loving relationship. I fully empathise 😍

I sympathise OP, I really do. I also had a bit of a dysfunctional childhood. My parents split up when I was five and my dad 'let' my mum take me but fought (and won) to keep my brother with him. Maintenance for me was set at 5p a year (it was in the 1970s).

My mother would then regularly remind me of this throughout my childhood "your dad didn't want you, he only wanted your brother", "basically your dad doesn't really care about you", she would also recount this story to others in front of me (and would continue to tell the story, even if I was in tears).

My brother's and my upbringing were like an edition of Rich House, Poor House. He always had the latest fashions, trainers etc, whereas my clothes always came from the charity shop.

I was overweight in my teens and very early 20s so had absolutely no admirers. My dad would always say "you're such a pretty thing, if only you'd lose the weight." He offered me £500 to lose weight (a heck of a lot in the 90s) and I did. Suddenly, I had a lot of attention and would basically date whoever showed an interest in me.

I met and married my ExH after some serious love bombing from him, but as soon as we had kids the affairs started and he eventually left for the OW.

It was only after six months of therapy that I realised the effect my childhood had on me, I felt worthless and unworthy of love. My therapist really made me see that my sense of self-worth was through the floor.

Then I did some online dating, and I met someone I was very attracted to. But I was very clear from the start that I did not need a man in my life, and I set clear boundaries.

DP and I have now been together for 11 years and have a very equal romantic partnership. He does more than his share around the house, has raised my children together with me, cared for me through Long Covid, regularly sends me random 'I love you' texts and flowers, and basically treats me in a way that makes me feel more loved and cherished than I've ever felt before.

I think the turning point for me was the therapy, and though it may sound corny, learning to love myself.

Well, make different friends who have strong, equal partnerships with their partners/spouses. These do exist, and it’s telling you’ve surrounded yourself with women in abusive or unequal dynamics. I think you should have therapy before even contemplating dating again.

I've had plenty of therapy for all different issues due to my
Marriage etc.
I do need more.
My friends, many of them , began their lovely, equal and romantic relationships with those men and the difference between them and now is unexplainable and unbelievable.
It's horrible to see.

I gave up on men and lived alone in poverty. But I did last it out because it was still better than going back.
Then I made good friends with women. That brightened my life.