Please mumsnetters - Help me advise my friend

[budgetday]

My friend left her partner earlier this year (approx 7-8 months ago). They have two children together (ages 7 and 10). From my friend's perspective, the split is irrevocable.

Her ex-partner asked that neither of them see other people for six months so they could have space to potentially come back to their relationship. She agreed to this, however she knows he has been seeing other people (that rule was for her, apparently, because she was the one that left.)

She learned of the second woman he was dating via her children. She could tell for a while by their odd behaviour that something was not right, something bothering them, and she had her suspicions. Eventually they let slip that Daddy had told them 'not to tell Mummy' about a woman.

My friend does not begrudge her ex-partner moving on and wants him to be happy. She is not jealous at all. But she is experiencing real pain and distress at the fact that their children - who are very young and still adjusting to the split - are being exposed so soon to different new women in their father's life. Her eldest child has already made a biting comment about Daddy and different girlfriends.

Her ex-partner is now onto a third 'relationship' which he claims is the real deal and long term. A week ago he was still asking my friend to come back. He has told my friend that he wants to formally introduce the children to this woman as his new partner.

My friend is absolutely distraught. When she raises the fact it's all too soon and too fast and too confusing for the children, he responds, 'I would never do anything to harm the children'. But nevertheless insists introductions will happen. (I have to wonder if the woman he has been seeing for about a month is aware of his 'long term' plans).

Wise mumsnetters ... I posted this to canvas serious adult views on how parents should navigate new relationships with respect to children after a breakup because my friend is struggling to retain perspective and is profoundly worried about her children.

What are your thoughts on what's happening here? How should/could my friend navigate this? If her ex insists on introductions happening, how can she guide and support her children through this?

She can point out the hypocrisy of asking her to rekindle the relationship but still want to introduce the DC to a new woman. She can plead to his better nature that it’s not in the DC’s best interests but I suspect it will fall on deaf ears. All she can do is be there for the DC and let them discuss their worries with her.

Your friends STBXH wants the comfort that comes with your friend, he definitely does not want her. Its a classic tactic he is using to keep her where he needs her to be while he tests out various options out there, and should he get bored of said options, he has his ex to fall back on. By telling her its 6 months singlehood, but then has these test rounds himself, that is clearly a rule he feels he is entitled to put around your friend for his own benefit.

The marriage is over, and it was a marriage, not ownership.
Its not a car, or a lease hold, and for him to put down some ground rules is simply ridiculous.

She can do whatever she wants, they are separated, and going for divorce, and for him to feel he can dictate what she does in her life outside of him is plain and simply controlling, and legally he has no power there, I want to know why your friend feels she need to entertain his needs?

The both have responsibility towards their children and what is in their best interest. And he clearly wanted to disguise the "6 month rule" to falsely protect the kids from any emotional harm? But since he is swinging from side to side, from one set up to the next, your friend does not need to be told what to do.

Let him move on, and any hovering tactics by him should be ignored. They are not genuine, but more to benefit him and his future needs and comfort, and tell your friend to look up Dr Ramini on youtube, or Chump on Goodle, both are eye opening translators into what some people feel entitled to. She may find it useful.

PS your friend can speak to her DC, to their understanding and ability to grasp the situation, be real about it, gentle and tell them that both parents love them equally even if they no longer live together.

Tbh I doubt it'll hurt the kids much. So long as she's clear with them that she will never be getting back with their father.

I'd probably just turn it into a running joke with my kids tbh 'ah and what's this one called? Sarah? Oh. Wonder how long Sarah will last ' 😆

There's only a problem if they actually believe these women will be long term and get attached.