I have been in an on off relationship with my ex for over a year. We keep blocking and unblocking each other. The most I have gone no contact is a few weeks. When I come back he says I should’ve left forever, he didn’t miss me and why am I bothering him now. He doesn’t usually do anything to get me to come back, I feel the need to come back. It was an emotionally abusive relationship.I’ve been told my self esteem is on the floor.
According to him, nothing I do is ever good enough. Someone is always better than me. I have always wanted him to love me, but I’ve been told I don’t deserve it.
I often feel really confused
I have tried keeping a diary of the abuse, not all of it but it’s more than enough, it is full. I even started a new one recently then tore out the pages and turned the diary into something else. I have proof saved to my laptop as well.
I’m wondering if I should have a dedicated diary for working through my challenges rather than just writing about whatever has happened.
I have also tried listing everything that was wrong with him and the relationship and writing what I want on the other side. I got counselling for a few weeks. I keep forgetting everything I have learned and act on urges and impulse due to (very likely) ADHD.
It’s really hard for me to keep control over my mood swings, and I feel overwhelmed with everything I have to remember or how to deal with certain things because the situation is so complex. At a basic level, I have limited the amount of time I spend on certain apps which has helped a lot more, I am doing daily affirmations, I have daily self care habits. It’s hard to remember much else.
It’s deeply painful to see someone else in a relationship and enjoying themselves. It’s not like I don’t want them to have that but I have never experienced it myself.
Still, I keep imagining vengeful, imaginary situations, totally made up like next year when every couple is celebrating Valentine’s Day, I will do something for myself so that he doesn’t get to experience a loving Valentine’s Day with me like everyone else. I just feel like destroying everything, so that he gets to feel what it’s like to be me every other day of the year. Not that he would actually care. Or I will completely humiliate him, like kick him out in the middle of the night with nothing and no money. Nothing I can carry out and nothing that I would actually do. I am thinking about writing them down.
I’m ashamed of thinking this way some time afterwards. I’m not sure if it’s actually a therapeutic thing to do or if it’s damaging me.