This might sound glaringly obvious, but these signs mean there is no going back, right?
Things with dh have been awful for over a year, living as roommates which turned into separate rooms, terrible arguments in front/in next room from dc, undermining or belittling each other casually. We can't go on a (rare) date without bickering, unless alcohol is involved which means we occasionally have a superficial laugh. We don't spend time with each other on days off. We don't talk. I have zero attraction to him, in fact 'the ick'. When I'm despairing about us, he just stares at me coldly and tells me to get it together. I don't want to "try" eg with counselling. He irritates the hell out of me- the way he talks, the little things he does, how he is with dc and the pets. I want him to find happiness but with someone else. On weekends we both sleep in and avoid each other. I want another child someday and I am young enough, but definitely don't want one with him. He belittles or doesn't care about my taste in music or TV or books. He's boring to me with no hobbies except screens. I rather go out and sit in a cafe on my own than with him, if I get a child free period.I don't want to make future plans. I feel dead inside. I've developed severe depression which has brought out previous addictive behaviours from my past, my therapist said it was dopamine seeking. Nothing like drugs or alcohol but some other stuff. It scares me how lonely and down I am, and how long I've felt like this. When I went to visit family with dc for 3 weeks it was like I found myself again.
And yet. Dc want us to be a family. They love him despite being quite a shit/bare minimum dad. We are financially comfortable, nice holidays and christmas presents, etc. Dh will be nasty if I say I want a divorce, he is vindictive.
But I have to, don't I?