Wife's Confession - what next?

[SouthersideDad]

Hope it's okay to post here. Would really like some advice on how best to approach this.

A bit of context in case it helps. Late 40's, kids in secondary school, married almost 20 years. All areas of our life are pretty good. We don't argue, are comfortable financially, function well as friends, parents, husband and wife - we're in a good place relationship-wise and have been for pretty much our entire time together. We're very lucky in that respect.

Last week, my wife and I attended a party with mutual friends. We had a good time, came home and when our babysitter left, had a few more drinks - a fair bit more than is normal for us which is unusual. My wife was a little more worse for wear than I was.

While we were chatting in the early hours of the morning, half way through an unrelated subject, my wife suddenly told me she had been abused when she was a young girl.

She just sort of, blurted it out mid way through a sentence about something completely unrelated.

She shared some more details (she was very young) and alluded to her relationship with the person responsible but didnt share much more as we were disturbed by our eldest coming downstairs.

I suggested we go to bed, but by the time I'd locked the house up and come upstairs she was fast asleep.

The next morning my wife was very hungover, and judging by her recollection of the night, she doesn't seem to remember much past us leaving the party and getting home.

I wanted to raise it with her again and to check if she was okay, but then thought better of it as she wasn't feeling well at all, and I also have no idea if she remembers telling me about it.

I must confess I'm somewhat at a loss as to the best approach to this now. If I raise it, and she doesn't remember telling me, I'm worried about causing unnecessary upset. But at the same time I don't feel that pretending it never happened is the right approach either.

I would greatly appreciate some advice in how to broach this. I must admit I do have a history of approaching this kind of thing clumsily and I'd really like for that not to be the case here.

Thanks to anyone who has taken time to read.

I wouldn't bring it up and would wait for her to lead on the subject. Maybe she just wanted to unburden herself.

I think you need to be led by her. If she wants to talk about it, now or in the future, then you listen and support and be guided by her on how you can help her. If she's not ready to talk about it, you don't push it.

If this is trauma that's been buried and recently shaken loose, then whether she talks about it or not, you will need to be sensitive and patient, as she may experience any number of difficulties, emotionally and sexually, it depends on her and her trauma.

And I'm sure you didn't mean anything by it, but don't frame this as "wife's confession". She's done nothing wrong.

I'm going to suggest the opposite - I think you should bring it up. I would be so hurt if I disclosed something like this to my partner and he didn't mention it again - as if it hadn't been prominent enough for him to remember or he was awkward/ thought differently of me. I would say something like, 'my love when we were drinking the other night, you mentioned something to me about what happened to you when you were younger. I want you to know I haven't brought it up because I don't want to upset or trigger you, but know if you ever want to talk about it, I'm here.' Or something like that.

I completely agree with this.

I’d bring it up. Very gently though. Maybe suggest taking an afternoon off work together, go for lunch (not too much booze!) and then a walk afterwards and bring it up then. Walking is good, she doesn’t need to look at you so it takes the pressure off, and if you’re walking you’re not ‘alone’ but not sitting somewhere she might be worried about being overheard. And then completely take the lead from her. If she says ‘it was nothing/please ignore me/what on earth - must have been so drunk, it’s not true’. Then drop it. But let her know you know and let her lead from now on.

Definitely agree

Perfect way of handling the situation

I agree with this. Walking is a good low pressure way to cover emotional subjects

Also agree with @KiwiLondoner
and I’ve been in the same situation as your wife. I think her telling you, albeit whilst drinking, may suggest that she feels a little bit ready to start looking at her experience.
for further down the road, the book ‘Allies in Healing’ may be really helpful for you to read.
you sound very thoughtful OP.

Strange to call it her “confession” though so maybe watch your wording

I think this approach and wording is perfect. I might even suggest sending it in an email (but I am someone who prefers to have heavy topics in words so I can mull it over in my own time, rather than having to react in the moment - others may be different).

I also think there's a good chance she does remember telling you, but didn't necessarily want to revisit it (especially when hungover).

I went through a similar situation with my DH. The gender dynamics will be different, but it took several years from the first time he admitted he'd been abused to him telling me all the details about it, and it had more to do with the shame he felt about what had happened to him than his trust in me or our relationship.

Childhood abuse is a fraught topic. I agree with other commenters that you should gently try to leave the door open for her to talk more about what she said. But it's also possible she's still trying to repress the memories and might pretend nothing happened. Or she could get defensive about it. Defensiveness comes from the shame about being abused and has nothing to do with you. Or she could react in some other way. In any case, you and your wife have a difficult road ahead. Do your best to let her set the pace of what she's willing to confront when. She's going to need you to be so supportive and solid.

Also, please do some research about supporting someone who has been abused. It will help you gain confidence in how to talk to her about it.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply.
My apologies for the clumsy wording, I hope I didn't offend.

I like the walking suggestion, thank you. I do feel I need to acknowledge her telling me - it doesn't sit right with me to pretend it never happened.

We tend to go for a walk on Saturday mornings so I think I will gently let her know that I remember our conversation and that I'm here to listen if she wants to talk more about it and then... well, I guess see how it goes.

I think this is very much a less is more situation and that I'd prefer she at least knows I'm here if she wants, and will respect her silence if she doesn't want to talk about it.

Thank you everyone, what a lovely place this is for advice.

As others have said, this is the perfect response. Such a loving way to handle this. It's made me cry.

I think this is quite typical. I would say it’s not unlike how Dh and I have initially talked to each other about the things we experienced as children (for me, this was sexual abuse). Sometimes it takes the brain being in that state for the ability to talk about it to switch on. It’s a very hard thing to talk about.

Being in your wife’s shoes, I would really appreciate you actually sitting me down and talking about it at a time when I have a clear head and we have some privacy. It’s so hard to talk about and takes so much bravery. But someone else validating that and letting me know that I was heard and believed really meant a lot.

You could say, do you want to talk any more about what you were saying before we were interrupted?
If that was me & my husband didn't check in with me I'd think he didn't care or didn't believe me.

when walking mention that you’re all ears if she wants to talk, you were so sorry to hear about the abuse she faced as a child

Don’t leave it until Saturday though, otherwise the days will go by, and if she remembers telling you, it might make her feel even worse. I agree with what other posters have said. Is there any chance you can get a night to yourselves without the kids there and talk about it? Or when they are in bed? I wouldn’t want to discuss something so traumatic out in the open unless I got emotional, I think the safety of home, familiarity and being able to express herself might be better personally, if you can get that space to yourself?

Thats not the right thing to do. She’s unburdened herself to her best friend who also has a sexual relationship with her. These issues take time to filter into the light and she’s clearly taken a big step with the man she trusts.
I’d just say how much you love her and how you’ll always be there for her, without too much heaviness. She’ll know what you’re alluding to and be relieved at the lack of forcing or clumsiness. She might never want to mention it again and it’s wrong to make her.

@SouthersideDad

@KiwiLondoner has the best response, I think.

• Your wife may remember what she said.
• You don't want your wife to think you see her differently or that it's unimportant to you.
• Kiwi's suggestion of what to say is kind, caring, and concerned, in a very gentle way:

'my love when we were drinking the other night, you mentioned something to me about what happened to you when you were younger. I want you to know I haven't brought it up because I don't want to upset or trigger you, but know if you ever want to talk about it, I'm here.'

Also, a pp mentioned your title- she's right. "Wife's Confession" implies that your wife has done something wrong. I realize that wasn't your intent, but I clicked this thread thinking to see "My wife confessed to an affair" or something similar. (I'm embarrassed to admit that.🙄) Recounted CSA was NOT what I was expecting. (Trigger Warning?)

Your love and concern for her is very apparent. Don't miss this opportunity to help her deal with the abuse she suffered.

Possibly an irrelevant thought, but…
For me, once I’ve reached the end of the day & am physically & mentally tired out, I definitely dont want to start talking about difficult things, usually kills any possibility of getting much sleep & probably leads to feeling rotten next day too?