Should I leave man I love?

[Soldiergirl99]

Exactly that really. But I can't take his deeply damaged family or his situation any more. I don't see a future but I still care for him very much. He's been nothing but lovely to me, we communicate so well, can talk about everything and are very well suited. However, his situation is very difficult and I don't see it changing. He lost his job as well and is struggling to find something else. He has nothing.

It all just feels too hard and not what I want. How do I decide what I want and resolve this mess? I'm sitting here in tears about it. I'm 50 so I'm not looking to have kids with someone (I never wanted them) but I am scared of being in my 50s and on my own. Plus I do love him and have been with him years. I just don't think I can fix his life for him (not that he's asking me to) and it's destroying me.

OP you have answered your own dilemma there. This situation is destroying you.
I am in my 50’s and honestly being alone isn’t like it used to be. You don’t have to put on a tartan skirt and slippers and be the local spinster.
Life is for living. You are in your second act now. Is this what you want for the rest of it, tied to someone who brings you down in terms of how you feel about life?
You say you are perfect for each other but if someone is that good for you, being around them doesn’t destroy you, it lifts you up.
In what way do you love him? As a romantic partner or a companion?
In what way does he have nothing?
How do his family impact your life?
Once you hit 50 a partner should be adding to your world. You should be enjoying life together, not living in misery.
And please if you decide to leave do not feel guilt. Never stay with any man out of guilt. You are not responsible for his happiness but it is time to take care of yours.

It's difficult as your post is quite vague. I don't know how bad his family are.

You seem to have taken on a caretaking role, trying to fix his problems. You say that he hasn't asked you to do so.

Would it help if you disengaged and took a big step back? Let him deal with his own problems, like an adult and you focus on your life.

When we make someone else our sole focus we ignore our own lives. It can also be quite controlling. Maybe if you let go and concentrate on your own problems he'll sort himself out.

Ahh @Soldiergirl99 I think there's a lot you're not saying here.

We're the same age, sounds like he's got some addiction and enmeshed family problems (reading between the lines here). He's a grown up and ultimately it's up to him to sort out his life.

Honestly? By our age I have no time for people who don't sort their drama/trauma/lives out.

Shit happens, people can keep repeating it or they can say, 'nah', not up for that. And do the work.

If he's not up for change, you need to walk away.

People can be lovely and damaged, but if they're not interested in progress, that's a no.

Thank you for your kind replies. I need to hear this. He is a decent man, cultured, but naive and can come across as an oddball as he's likely autistic. In the past he's trusted business partners and been screwed over badly financially, so he is now living on benefits since he lost his last job (we don't live together). He has adult children, who I get on with very well, but they have all been badly damaged by a narcissist mother, with whom he had a toxic divorce. He wasn't blameless - he withdrew emotionally from the relationship and they are both very bitter about how it went wrong.

I am a very undemanding partner. I just want love and companionship. I don't need someone to support me financially. I'm pretty successful and I think psychologically sound. I've had counselling and have done the work basically. Perhaps I'm just scared of being alone. I also care for him very much and worry about his life without me. He is willing to grow and learn but is also very stuck in his ways.

If he’s willing to grow and learn but also stuck in his ways….
I am confused OP.

I'm confused too! He is willing but not good at it. I think that he's very damaged deep down and there is a lot of fear. He struggles to engage with his own emotions and how he impacts others, which a counsellor said could be due to his autism.

I'm still not understanding the problem since you don't share finances or live together. I'm sure he'll find another job. You get on well with his children and don't have to get involved with his ex.

I assume he's kind to you and there's no abuse or addiction. Why can't you enjoy his company anymore?

I don't think he will find another job. He's in his 60s. I find I can't separate my feelings from his situation.

You don't want to be with someone on benefits? That's absolutely fair enough OP. You can finish a relationship for absolutely any reason whatsoever.

You say you have "done the work" on yourself but it sounds like you are scared to be alone.

It might be worth investigating why that is because your current relationship doesn't sound like it's working for you yet you seem prepared to put up with it rather than leave.

To be honest, this sounds to me like a man who says the right things, but has no actual intention of changing. I'm very surprised that you say he doesn't expect you to solve his problems. Are you sure you're not already solving for his problems for example by funding a lot (meals out, dates, holidays) or by smoothing his relationship with his children or similar?

You are all making very good points. I suppose I've invested a lot in the relationship and don't want to see it fail, but it is making me unhappy.

That’s called a sunk cost fallacy

I know. When you still love someone though, they love you and are good to you, it makes it very hard. I guess sometimes love is not enough.

You say you are not happy. If you want to stay in the relationship perhaps you need to analyse what exactly is making you unhappy. Is there just no fun? Is he always down? Do you not really get the companionship you crave? Do you feel you are his support person rather being supported yourself at all? Does he never compliment you, seem to appreciate you? Do you not feel cherised in the way you want?

Good questions @SapatSea . We do have fun but he is often very depressed. I do feel cherished and he says how much he appreciates me. He also says that he doesn't expect me to put up with his situation forever and he is trying to change it. I am a very loyal person and would hate to think someone would leave me because I'd fallen on hard times, but there is more to it than that. The reality is I blame him in part for his situation and am angry about how he has gone about things. He is terrible with people and just doesn't have good skills when it comes to negotiation etc. There is something about the relationship that feels very unsafe, despite the fact he's never been abusive, never raises his voice, never tried to control me etc.

OP have you ever tried counselling? Might help you to get a clearer picture.
You feel cherished and yet unsafe.
It feels like you are going back and forth in your mind…
And it’s not a judgement at all as I have done the same.
It is like an eternal list of pros and cons - well that’s how it was for me in the past.
You sound like a lovely, caring and loyal person but you must put yourself first. It sounds like he wants to change in order to keep you around, but is taking no action.
And he shouldn’t want to change to keep you, he should want to in order to better his own life.
As for not expecting you to stick around forever, that’s really unfair, it’s keeping you dangling.
I know it’s really painful but you sound like you need a true equal, a partner to share everything in life with.

@PeggyMitchellsCameo yes I did 18 months of weekly counselling and I also work in a related field, so I have a good understanding of how I operate. Your words are very kind and I do need an equal. I probably need some space for a while to decide what to do. We've talked about taking a break if things get too much so maybe I need a month or so away from him to get things into perspective.