Anxiety after affair

[Kirsty67]

My partner of 5 half years had a good relationship in all areas but sex.
He struggled maintaining an erection.
We went to see the doctor together as a couple. He had tests but the doctor could find no medical reason and gave him viagra.

At the time my partner was overweight (probably by about 3 and half stone and not into health or exercise)

Our sex life dwindled to a couple of times a year over the last 3 years and even though this upset me as I wanted the intimacy, I never wanted to embarrass him as I knew it did greatly.

I am guilty of not addressing the elephant in the room I will admit. I should have spoken to him and addressed it and for this I take some responsibility.

Other than that, his love for me has never been in question.

Rewind to last year. He stopped drinking started at the gym and has really worked hard at losing weight and feeling better about himself. I'm genuinely proud of him.

Once again I have so wanted to address the issue but been afraid to instigate sex as I know he needs the viagra.
I find him so attractive (always have even with the extra weight) but now even more so.

In May of this year he went to a work event. Started to flirt with a woman (and simply by woman's intuition and nothing more) I picked up on something quite little and in the first week of July I went into his phone (please do not judge or criticise) we know each other codes as have never had anything to hide)
I found a stream of messages spanning around 5 weeks but in that stream of messages were explicit videos of her "pleasuring herself " with vibrators, her fingers whilst telling my partner it was all for him and she couldn't help herself. Further digging revealed one hotel hook up for a couple of hours for sex.

My rage was consuming and I confronted him, he was simply beside himself and I threw him out.

I was absolutely devastated!

It's now 3 months later. We are talking, we have been talking since it happened and we both want to put our world back together complete with intimacy.
He still lives away from me.
However, my question is:

My anxiety is through the roof. How do I learn to trust again?
How do I build up my confidence again.
I feel vulnerable and scared to let him in.

Do I believe he is devastated and remorseful? Yes, I do.

He said he felt embarrassed as he felt he let me down with his sexual performance
(never once have I done anything to make him feel like this but he would say sorry after a quick performance in the bedroom)
He said it was flirting then dirty messages and videos which cumulated in a one-off sex meet-up.
He is prepared to see a counsellor if need be. He has faced into family and friends and simply admitted he has made a mistake but loves me with all his heart.

I so want to get back on track but I cannot tell you the way I feel and the anxiety and confusion and hurt I am still feeling.

How do I work around this?

Honestly, you don’t. If you hadn’t checked his phone and found out he would never have told you, so he’s not devastated he did it, if he was he’d have come clean himself, he’s just devastated he got caught.

I wouldn’t work on it.

He clearly had an ego boost and instead of coming home and putting the effort into you he jumped into having sex with the first woman that probably showed an interest in him.

Why is he saying he'll see a counsellor but hasn't done anything about it? If he needs mental health help he needs it whether he's with you or not. Ask yourself, why is he putting that on you? ( It's because he knows it's not mental health, it's opportunistic selfishness. ) It's purely something to say to make you think he's trying without actually doing anything.

Don't do this to yourself.

Sorry these are probably not the answers you want.

I think you should go to counselling and talk through your grief and pain and about what this has done to your self esteem.

Don't rush to get back together. Take your time.

While it might seem like getting back together will end the pain, it takes a different form when you cannot trust the person you're with.

And tbh it doesn't make sense to trust someone who has betrayed you, it's asking your brain to believe the grass is pink.

If you do get back together, it needs to be less about him. He's devastated, he's embarrassed etc, 🙄. What about you?!

it shouldn't be about making you feel sorry for him, it should be about making amends and building you back up again. Where is that?

I think you did the right thing by splitting and it doesn't sound like the relationship was really worth sustaining for years before then. You'd only been together 5.5 years and for three of them it wasn't good on the intimacy level. It hasn't really been on track so I don't see how you'd get it back on track after such a hideous betrayal. It wasn't just a head turn. It was a full on filth-steeped affair and he'd have got away with it if you hadn't found out. No doubt he is devastated. Fuck him. Don't lose that clarity you had when you kicked him out. Let him go and find someone who deserves you. If you take him back after hurting you like this, you'll never get past the anxiety and your self-esteem will be through the floor.

You don’t really know him—or what you do know doesn’t really track who he is. 5.5 years with most of them dysfunctional and filled with sexual shame and avoidance is not a good foundation. You have been in rescuer mode for most of it. That feels like a secure position but the one being rescued always ends up feeling like a prisoner of charity and the one doing the rescuing is exhausted and feels taken for granted and entitled to reap the benefits of any improvements to the situation.

You feel robbed and he feels ashamed but free. I don’t see how this works out.

He didn’t have any problems shagging someone else so I wouldn’t care about him being embarrassed. That probably obviously resolved then.

You probably should have left him a long time ago op. That’s a long time to not have any intimacy. Was he using porn during this time?

Poor guy felt so embarrassed at letting you down that he had no choice but to go and stick his dick in another woman.

Sorry OP, he's full of shit. Your anxiety is the rational you screaming that at the emotional you.

What a selfish cheating lying man OP.
After supporting him and loving him this is how he repaid you?
You should put yourself first. He doesn't deserve you.

Grim OP, really grim. The trust is gone, how could you even look at him after seeing those videos - wouldn't they be going through your head every time you had sex? This went on for 5 weeks and he didn't even own up, you had to find it on his phone - he didn't even respect you enough to delete those disgusting videos. Would it even have stopped if you hadn't found out? Or would he have been leading a double life?

The only think I can tell you for sure OP is that if he loved you with all his heart he wouldn't have been messing around with another woman for 5 weeks behind your back. You're better off without this one. Stop working so hard to get past it is my advice, listen to yourself - there is no way back.

No he wasn't...I'm certain he wasn't..

I’m not sure you can put your world back together. There’s always going to be this crack in it. You’ll never fully be able to relax into your relationship and trust him. It will be a life on high alert waiting for the next deception.

Agree with everything previous posters have said. I just wanted to add that i think your anxiety is high because you're on the cusp of giving him another chance, but your gut is trying to tell you it's a bad idea. Listen to it.

He was so embarrassed he had to shag someone else? Yeah ok.

Why are some women SO desperate to believe absolute rubbish like this in order to keep a man? I agree with PPs who say you should get counselling or therapy of some sort to work out why your self esteem is low you would actually accept a relationship like this.

you did the hard bit by dumping him. You live independently. Why waste your time with this loser?

Men who cheat on you Do not love you. You can do all the mental gymnastics in the world but you will be living a life in denial, always waiting for the next time.

Your anxiety is high because your instincts are jangling. They are warning you that you are not safe with this man. He has betrayed you and hurt you. You are trying to save yourself from more misery. Don't ignore your instincts.

I know it's so hard when you find them attractive. But for the sake of your sanity and well being, you should not reconcile with this man.

So the second he’s somewhat attractive he goes and fucks someone else? Yet you feel sorry for him because he’s a fat arse who can’t be bothered to do anything about it? Come on OP, get some self respect and walk away from this loser.

If you take him back, you will have to continue to live with the anxiety you are feeling now. It won’t go away. Is that how you want to live? No man is worth your peace of mind and mental health.

He didn't make a mistake OP. He consciously deceived you, lied to you and disrespected you. He doesn't value you or the relationship. I'm sorry. You deserve SO much better than a dirty cheat who stuck his rancid dick up someone else.

Please just leave, block and get some counselling for yourself. You need to prioritise you.

I’m not a classic LTB person on here typically, but I’ve got to say, I’m not exactly sure what you want to fight for? Your relationship of over 5 years was rotten for at least 3 years.
I completely understand you wanting to get past your hurt, of course- who wouldn’t. But it sounds like you associate moving past your hurt with his actions (working on himself, counselling, it never happening again etc.) which is normal because he’s the cause of your pain, but despite being the cause he is not the fix.
The damage he’s caused and the self-doubts he’s inflicted on you on a fundamental level (why couldn’t he perform for me? Why her? Why not me?) these wounds need time and self-care to heal. His very presence in your life just keeps opening up those wounds.

I’m not sure why you are maintaining contact when you aren’t together? Are there children involved? You know that if you aren’t together you need to go no contact to even stand a chance to heal. What are you afraid of by going no-contact? That he might move on or go back to her or someone else? Because that would surely be everything you need to know.

Why would you want to let him back in? Cut ties, move on and find someone who will value you.