How to accept that any kindness or nice gestures from abuser were not reality and probably manipulation tactics ?

[TheASDfamily]

I find it SO hard to separate these. My mother severely abused me growing up. Emotionally mostly. Occasionally severely physically.

BUT

There was a 90/10 split of abuse/niceness.
She would in between being horrendous to me throw in an odd moment, even day, where she would be absolutely lovely to me. It made it worse. I’m NC now but the good memories keep creeping back and it hurts ? As a child I remember in history lessons at school when learning about particularly awful things and certain awful people or of things were on the news of a similar nature I was finding these strange thoughts about how they can’t have been all bad ? I think it was my minds way of finding the good in someone awful because it was so hard for me to accept that my own mother did such awful things but that she could also be nice to me?

I can see now that she was causing me to doubt myself as the awful things were truly horrific and the nice things were minor and things most children probably took for granted basic kindness. I was always given huge amounts of toys too yet never ones I specifically asked for then I was called ungrateful so to an outsider it looked like I had a lot but behind closed doors it was hell.

I just still find it hard to think about. I wish she had been consistent even if that meant 100% of the time being abused not 90%

I've just started listening to 'it's not you' by dr ramani and I think it will help

@TheASDfamily - I’m so sorry you had such a horrible mother and such an awful childhood. There’s something really chilling about buying a child lots of toys but never the ones they want. It’s very rare for an abuser to be abusive absolutely all the time. The kind moments are really just part of the cycle of abuse. Are you having therapy to deal with having such a horribly difficult childhood?