Lonely single mum

[Limonar]

I’m a single mum of three kids, two early teens and one tween. They spend a lot of time with me because their dad lives quite far away, although he is as involved as he can be. I work full time, mostly from home. I have family nearby, and friends but I am very lonely especially during holidays and weekends when things are quieter with the kids activities.

I help out at the local sports club, do exercise classes and try to see friends when they are free, but every evening I feel so lonely. Sometimes the kids want to watch TV but often they are in their rooms studying or on their phones. At the weekends I drop them here and there, they have friends over, do sports. This weekend I contacted 6 different friends to see if any wanted a walk or a coffee, but they are all busy with their own families. I am dreading the Christmas break. I’ve been online dating for a while but no luck so far.

can anyone offer any tips on how to change my mindset around this?

Your post really stood out to me as it echoes my own loneliness. I only have a few local friends and they're all busy with their families. I try to find some company online but with OLD seeming been taken over by men bombarding women all for one thing, it can be hard to get a response off anyone.
My advice would be to try and join a group or forum with other people who share a common interest/hobby with you. From there, you might have a better chance of making a connection with someone.

Thanks for your reply @happygoluckyme2 and sorry to hear you feel the same way. I consider myself very sociable, I love company but much prefer real life to online. To be fair the men I have met online dating have all been very nice, just not for me. I’d be happy enough with a fwb as I also miss sex, but I haven’t fancied any of the dates so far.

Yes same here. Much prefer in real life although I'm useless at making the first move. Just yesterday I got talking to a lady randomly whilst I was out in town. We seemed to connect quite well but at the end I couldn't bring myself to ask for her number. Then she left and that was that.
Not that I'm actively looking for a relationship as such, just a good friend would be nice. Someone to chat and have a laugh with. Any benefits would just be a bonus.
But good friends seem to be hard to come by these days. Everything being online seems to have ruined people's social skills!

Hello! What about some of the parents of your kids’ mates. Anyone there? When a friend comes to your place, could you invite the mum over for a drink or whatever? Or even communicate at first via WhatsApp if organising something for her child. I still talk to some of my teens mates mums, even if he does almost all of the actual arranging of things.

secondly, anything you like doing and if so, do some classes in this? But not something unsociable like exercise (or at least, I never talk to other people when exercising - gym is “ in and out” for me). Go to say your local arts centre to do pottery, or try acting, singing, writing, book club, whatever you find interesting that would include chatting to others, over a shared interest. I see you help out at the sports club - this is good but do even more things. and if you don’t want to do classes, then more volunteering eg at a local school or charity or whatever. More possibilities will then open up.

Good luck op.

Thanks Dist- I help out at school events too, but I work full time so my free time for volunteering is a bit limited. I know lots of the parents of my kids friends, we go for coffee, the odd drink and so on but they are all married so at the holidays and weekends they are busy with their own families. To be honest I have no shortage of people I can meet for coffee or a walk but it’s the evenings, long weekends, holidays when people are busy and I’m at home with the kids that I find hard. I’d like someone to do ‘nothing’ with if that makes sense - watch TV, chat about my day, make plans with.

@Limonar I have a lot of empathy as I am in the same boat.

What about a joining a book club? You may have to shop around a bit to find one that suits you, but because the focus is 'chatting' rather than 'doing', you get to know people a bit better.

Also, be shameless and ask people for their number or to meet for coffee - I find this advice hard to put into action as I hate being the asking person and it is a bit awkward, but what's the worst that can happen? They say no and make up a crappy excuse (and then avoid you in the playground, as happened to me 😂) But some people will be delighted to be asked.

Also, say yes to every invitation where practically possible. Even if it's a bit unappealing, go along with optimism and if it's a wash out, make polite excuses and leave early before it gets too depressing.

Good luck!

Thanks @bemoreassertive - a book club is a good idea, I’ll ask around.

I’ve no problem asking people to meet for coffee, and I don’t take rejection personally, I just assume the person has stuff going on. I’m outgoing and will chat to anyone at school gate, sports sideline, so I do have plenty of acquaintances for occasional meet ups. I’ve been thinking more since I posted and I think I need a mindset change more than I need new friends. I am lucky to have my own home, a good job, healthy children and friends and family nearby. Yes I would love a partner and I do get lonely, but lots of people enjoy being single so maybe I need to focus on trying to enjoy time alone.

I very much understand all of this as it’s been most of my adult life. It does become very isolating when friends are always busy with their families at the weekends or out with other couples at the weekend. I’m not sure I can advise as you are doing everything you can but big hugs, I totally get it.

As another poster has already said, if you could find a local book club or an exercise class or park run you will likely find at least a few single women to make friends with. It is all trial and error and you may find that people are cliqueish but pretty much any class will attract single women who may also be untested in making friends. So many of them would be interested - I am one of those too - even with a large social group, with my friends mainly coupled up, it is difficult to get them organised to do anything on the weekend or any holidays together.

yes it's so hard! I work on my business ideas in the evenings - I am working on a number of my own small business ventures - or exercise or self improvement stuff. Or find a good TV series to watch or do an evening course online! Definitely not perfect or easy and I have those bad days but focussing on building something good for me really helps - whether that's good habits, business projects or learning something.

also for days out you have to arrange them for yourself. Book them in for you and your family. Again not ideal but tell them "on Saturday once a month / fortnight we are going for a family walk / museum visit / whatever". Make it a non-optional thing in the calendar!

This is what Meetup.com is for. Free. If there’s nothing locally, start your own group.