OLD - when do you stop trying?

[witheringrowan]

I'm 36 and long term single. I never seem to meet anyone in real life, so over the summer I started trying OLD, and I've been on dates with 9 men, none of which have really led to much - a few second/third dates that fizzled out into nothing, a few guys that I just didn't have any spark with at all.

I know I haven't really been trying it all that long, but I feel like giving up because the whole process makes me feel terrible. You can't really take your time to get to know anyone, there are some really creepy guys (instantly blocked), some who seem nice and then flake when you arrange to meet up or even suggest a second/third date and then ghost you. I've never been the most outgoing person & have struggled with anxiety in the past, and I find the messaging part so draining - although the meeting in person part is fine, it's just the crap you have to sift through to get there! Frequently want to give up on the whole thing, but I also have this constant low level worry in the back of my mind that if I don't keep trying, I'm not giving myself a chance of settling down or having children.

Everyone I know who has found a partner in their 30s seems to have found them online, but I just don't think I can do it any more. I meet a fair few people through work, I'm part of a sports group, have done evening classes etc, and no prospects there - seems like online is the only option, but I don't think I can hack it. How do you know when to quit, or any tips for managing to do it while also staying sane?

I'm 62 and I'd sooner go on a day trip to hell than use OLD but people do at all ages.
I've always met people out and about.

I've got a couple of single friends and they're also completely disillusioned with OLD.

What about a running club? Seems like a nice/ fun/ healthy way to meet people?

Helpful!!

OP don't forget many people get to around the age 40 crossroad and end up divorced because they married too young the first time and they simply grew apart from their spouse. Not all marriages end due to affairs and betrayal. I know off the top of my head three very decent, faithful non ugly men who are going through this right now.

I'm not saying they are easy to find but they are there. Good luck x

Don’t be dishearten OP. I found my perfect match age 38. He was a widower so not part of the motley crew @TheKhakiBiscuit mentions. I think I just got really lucky though.

Your best bet is to have a break each time it gets too much and then go back to it after a whole. It refreshes the pool so to speak.

Nonsense. What about single women in that age bracket, would you say the same?

When I was single and dating, I met lots of men 35-45. Lots of perfectly normal reasons they were single. Some had moved a lot for work. Some had been in relationships and weren’t any more. Some just hadn’t met the right person. All the same reasons I and single friends were dating!

Read enough posts on Mumsnet and you’ll know that a significant portion of the men who have been snapped up are cranks, wasters, and those nobody else but their miserable wife would want.

You must be a catch! Men must be queuing to date you.

Bloody hell @TheKhakiBiscuit maybe try taking down some of those fences you've got closing off your mind!

Op if you hate OLD then don't do it, I'd agree about joining sports clubs of some kind (running is good, tennis, golf...) and Meet-up is often mentioned on MN, and I know a couple in their 30s who met that way. But it doesn't have to be all or nothing, you could do both. I was a widow when I was doing OLD, in fact I still am, but I assure you I don't put dh on a pedestal. I don't think at your age you will have that many widowers contacting you though.

Oh BTW I always had sex on the first or second date because I'm never putting up with lacklustre sex again. Luckily being in my 50s most people I met knew what they were doing.

@TheKhakiBiscuit TK Maxx of the gene pool 😂😂😂😂

I mean, I therefore fit into that bucket too but even still...harsh but fair and yet hilarious 😂

You've been on dates, some multiple, with 9 men in a few months? And none of them were total shit shows/scary? I'd say you're doing incredibly well on OLD!

Haha @Summerhillsquare looking at it that way maybe I'm doing OK!

Thanks all, think I will give myself a few weeks break to regroup and then try to persevere.

I only have one friend who met her husband on OLD and she had to leave London to live with him in the middle of nowhere. Whilst I hear of all these couples who met on OLD I just don’t think that it is as large as a % as people make it out to be. You can obviously continue on OLD but I think it is worthwhile spending a lot more time doing social activities you will enjoy - particularly around sport there seem to be more single men - whether it is tennis clubs, padel social, running clubs, you name it. Can you also expand your social network at work or though work? So you sing/play any instruments?
The venues in which my friends met their partners post age 35 were work, choir, hobby, country festival.

Unfortunately the harsh post is close to the truth and yes it sounds like your first 9 dates were not too bad considering! I met my 40 something year old never married no kids husband online close to that age myself so it can happen.

It took me over a decade and the process was grim. There are simply far, far more good women than good men.

I'd go mad if i used it all summer too. 3 weeks at a time absolute maximum.

I usually go on, spend a week or so lining up a few dates then come off it. If those people don't work out, I hold off going back on until I fancy it again.

Oh yes. A couple of dates then a break. Then rinse and repeat.

Quite honestly I'd have kids by yourself rather than persevere with OLD.
Depending on your support network this could be a far better option. X

That's true but there's still the moral question of bringing a child into the world deliberately without a father.

Also, I dont think it's ever wise to encourage anyone to become a single parent straight off the bat. It's often a pretty grueling lifestyle.

But practically, those things asside, yes if they have a really good support system, it's maybe worth considering.

But I think its reckless to encourage it.

Well I am a single parent of 2 so we manage.
I didn't set out to be this way but my ex H left. It's actually easier in some ways, although I'd freely admit the baby stage is hard and I wasn't by myself then.
Should the OP wait until time runs out for some mythical man to commit? She would then be too old to go it alone.

Well she could just not do it.

Just because we want something, doesn't necessarily mean we are entitled to it afterall.

As others say, regular breaks when it gets too much! Doing this also seems to keep the algorithms bringing up the better matches than being on it constantly.

Are you looking for instant chemistry or happy to see if there could be a slow burn? Nine men with no potential sounds like quite a high number (if they seemed normal, had an engaging profile etc).

I'm 35 and met my partner on Bumble in Jan, moving in together in a month or two. They are out there, it's just a numbers game sadly! So many toads though!

Luckily the OP can do as she pleases either way.