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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Fil and grandkids

7 replies

IncessantNameChanger · 27/10/2024 17:32

Not after advice as its pretty clear what to do going forward. Just ranting

Fil has always been shit with the kids. He was also a absent and shit father to dh. He is a decent man ( if you put aside he had an affair and left his wife and kids). He us intelligent kind and popular. Dh and his brother and the kids adore him dispite being practically available, he promises a lot. Is great at throwing money around etc.

Anyway. Last month he had a heart attack and stents. Was ( as always) very cryptic on the details and it's like pulling teeth getting directly to the point. Step mil said he'd been rushed to hospital with chest pains, otherwise maybe we wouldn't have been told. They are always on holiday. Always. They have always said they are spending the inheritance and they mean it. So, as they are never home, we can never visit. Until the heart attack. Fil says he can't travel post stent for a few months. Cue dh asking to visit.

Fil says he is away from now until January ( how? ) also the weather isn't nice, let's wait for good weather. He hasn't seen my dd since she was 3. She is ten now. How many more summers does he think he has in his late 70s after a heart attack that required multiple stents?

We 100% know now there will never be a good time to visit. He has always got an excuse and looks like he is lieing about this three month holiday as he told us two weeks ago they had cancelked three Christmas market trips in November. My sil was telling me she was talking to fil and he was crying about not seeing dd. That's what gives me the rage. I told sil it's all a front, we have offered to go up countless times, why isn't fil saying to to dh. Sil insisted fil is heartbroken. Desperately wants to see dd after 7 years, but not now, not before Christmas, not till the weather turns. Maybe some sunny day in the future, but he can't suggest when. What a crock of shit

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 28/10/2024 06:07

I honestly don’t know why you want to see him, he sounds awful.

Frostycottagegarden · 28/10/2024 06:11

He's not a nice man. He's only interested in himself and the rest is just ego inflating bravado.

Getting upset about not seeing your dd is him pretending to be the victim.

He sounds exactly like my highly narcissistic exh. You and your dh should stop bothering.

IncessantNameChanger · 28/10/2024 18:11

Dh is 100% done with him. There won't be another offer to drive the hundred of miles to see him. The last time dh saw him was in November. When dd last saw him it was November.

What worries me is he isn't going to live forever, then the rest of the family will think we should all be there. So after at least 7+ years family gathering would be his death. I would want me and the kids to go after this

OP posts:
Theonlywayisuptoyou · 28/10/2024 18:18

Don’t chase him now and don’t bother going if he dies, why would you? If your DH wants to go to the funeral fine but I certainly wouldn’t be going or taking my child, he’s a stranger to you ( his choice) and I am a very family oriented person. Family is to be spending time with when they are alive not to cry fake tears over once they are dead.

coldcallerbaiter · 28/10/2024 18:20

I would only bother if dh or dc are inheriting from him.

IncessantNameChanger · 28/10/2024 18:28

I'd want to support dh as he has supported me through my parents funerals. But I really don't want the kids there. Imagine your first memory of meeting your grandparents being at one of their funerals? Hopefully it's years away but if they are still kids I'm not sure how that would work

OP posts:
Vermeers · 28/10/2024 19:14

Honestly OP, he is nothing to your children, so really don't worry.
He's just another selfish waste of space.
Your children will most likely not be upset over the death of someone they never knew.
Play it down.
Do not afford him any importance, he really doesn't deserve it.
Support your husband as before and remember we can never change others only ourselves.

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