My daughter vs her flatmate

[edierichards19]

I was wondering if someone could be of some assistance and give me some well needed advice on what to do about my daughter's horrendous living situation with what sounds like the flatmate from hell.

My daughter is a university student who is living with a girl who is the same age as her. All originally seemed well until her flatmate (we'll call her Emily) started to become a nightmare to live with.
My daughter regularly sends me messages and pictures of the disgusting mess Emily often leaves lying around the flat. Most images include dirty pots and pans left our for days, opened meat on the kitchen counter left out, multiple bowls of rotting food, rotting food in the cupboards, hair in the sink/shower, waste not being flushed down the loo, waste on the toilet seat. I could go on...

My daughter has told her multiple times to stop these disgusting habits and to clean up her mess. In fairness, my daughter also said that leaving the odd plate on the counter and not washing it up straight after using it is ok because she understands that she may be in a rush sometimes or tired. Though it seems like Emily has taken this and assumed that she can leave her dirty things out everyday for days and days at a time.

My daughter has had numerous conversations with Emily about this and I have run out of advice to give her. My daughter has said that now every time she brings up the mess Emily leaves around, Emily cries and throws a tantrum, thus making my daughter feel uncomfortable in bringing this up again as she doesn't want to upset her.

Please could someone give me some advice on how to help my daughter. Anything would be appreciated.

Thank you!

Is it just the two of them?

DD is in a student flat (university accommodation) and when we dropped her back last weekend after reading week the kitchen was a right mess with rubbish and dishes everywhere. One of the flatmates who had not been home for reading week had just not bothered to clean/tidy.

Disentangling a student from a student rental is possible, one of DD's friends swapped flats last year after a conflict with a flatmate. Most uni towns have more demand for accommodation than there is supply. But if it's not a uni flat but a private rental then that's a different conversation. I would encourage your DD to speak to her uni accommodation office in the first instance to see what her options are.

And lay it out straight to Emily - her habits are disgusting and she MUST clean.

Ableist much! You've basically said your daughter is disabled so isn't allowed a pet!

It doesn’t sound like she can adequately care for a cat due to her MH condition so no she should not have one.

Get a box. Put any thing not washed for two days in it next to her room door.

We did the fake letter from uni saying there would be an inspection and it worked a treat.

For a start back off. Not your problem. Suggest to daughter that she talks about it and models how it should be rather than keep' telling her'.

Well to be fair if she can't look after a pet then no she shouldn't have one. Its all fine and well to say everyones entitled to a pet but not cleaning up after one is neglectful. Its not about being "ableist".

TBH that sounds normal for a shared student residence!
I say that after spending about 7 years of visiting DCs shared uni halls, flats and houses - and doing much of the end of tenancy cleans.
I am not suggesting flatmates behaviour is acceptable, but unless there is a get-out clause in the contract, or you are very wealthy, your DD may be stuck with it for this year. She needs to choose who she shares with next year very carefully.

A pet is not a toy it is not fair on the pet if someone can't care for it

If someone is capable of making a mess they are capable of cleaning up after themselves or pets so one else is responsible and no excuses

For whatever reason she's like that , it's not fair to inflict it on others.
Especially the cat.

I’d try your best to get her out.
All these suggestions of boxing up her stuff and leaving it outside her room are great but your daughter shouldn’t have to do that constantly.
Speak to the landlord, show evidence, speak to the uni, there will be people who can help.

Reading this thread has made me so grateful for my uni flatmates. A lot of people saying how normal this is for uni students gives me shivers. I lived with four girls for four years at uni and we were all very tidy. The occasional plate or pan left on the side overnight was the extent of our mess!

I lived with an Emily. Started by putting her mess in a big box , but it progressed.

Her feet were the worst smelling I've ever encountered - so here shoes got chucked in the shed. Pots/pans/food/used sanitary products (grim) in her bed.
We didn't keep in touch. 😂

I’ve lived in several shared houses and you learn to clean the square foot of kitchen counter you need, to got through the fridge once a week and chuck out any rotting food, wear flipflops in the shower. Until you can find somewhere else to live.

I think this is the way to go. Emily's dirty plates etc go in a supermarket bag for life. Rinse and repeat

Agree with this. Presumably she's just started living with her, so probably stuck in the contract until next summer, but she can certainly start looking now for other flatmates and a different house for next year. I'm a bit surprised there's only two of them, most student houses where my dd is have at least 4 bedrooms, some 7 or 8.

The simple solution is that your daughter has her own saucepan, dish etc... and puts it in her room. Who owns the pans which are already there?

Unfortunately it all depends on the contract. Sounds like the landlord doesnt care (will need to pay for cleaners already sounds like) so why would they break the contract now?
she can try and switch with someone but good luck to whoever wants to share with the mess.
could try the parents but unlikely to get anywhere with that

Pets are not toys, they rely on you to survive. Food, water, daily enrichment activities etc all need to be thought about. People incapable of providing those things should not have a pet regardless of their reasons for being unable to do so.

Kindly, I really think the best thing you can do is treat your daughter like the adult she now is and stay out of it. Filthy student accommodation is almost a rite of passage, mine was absolutely dreadful and you do need to come up with creative solutions to get all housemates on board. A big bi-weekly “cleanathon” as suggested by other poster is what helped us most!
I’m not condoning Emily at all, but it’s a really common issue and not one I could have imagined any of our parents getting involved in when we were students. She must be 19/20 now & this is part of growing up.

I can't think of a solution that isn't put up with it or move. It sounds like an awful situation but not one that's going to change with a stern talking to/putting her stuff in a box/whatever.

Tbh if that were me I’d be telling Emily that she has 24 hours to clean up her mess or itll be binned and if that’s her plates, pots, cups etc then that’s on her. Either that or I’d be plastering it all over social media and trying to shame her into sorting her shit out. Absolutely filthy and hazardous.

I second this I have had 3 sons in Uni over the last 10 years some of the places they lived were indescribably awful! They have to find a way to get through it and find more compatible housemates for next year. I helped a lot with end of tenancy cleans but most parents don’t get involved at all so probably very little point trying to contact them

A way to get a person to reflect on their own behavior in a situation like this is to have the conversation starting like this:

DD: Emily, you don’t seem happy living here.
Emily: i’m really happy

DD: I ask you this because you are living like a really unhappy person. List disgusting things.
Happy people don’t live like this, this is how people who “don’t care” live.
Your behavior is making me unhappy, I dont want to live here - it smells, is dirty, there are maggots in your old food on counter.

DD: It’s time to make a decision Emily

Emily: Makes excuses. Promises be better.
.

** I don’t know what flexibility you have to move or get another flatmate.

I'm sorry your DD is unhappy op but I was coming on to say the same thing as the poster above.

Obviously you can let your DD vent to you about this but it's not your issue to solve. This is a very common problem in student accommodation. Look upon it as a life lesson which your DD will learn from.

You've had lots of helpful advice on this thread which you can pass on. Maybe I am an awful mother but I wouldn't be getting involved beyond that unless my dd's personal safety was involved. That is what is meant by the term "independent living"!

My DD had an issue with the plumbing in her first student accommodation and managed to extract herself from the contract with her private landlord by threatening to go to student services about his shoddy accommodation. That sounds as if it was all easy, it really wasn't, and she had over ten months without a working shower, with two leaks during that time, and water that wasn't fit for drinking as it came out of the pipes silty and brown in colour She was miserable for a while. But she got through it all and learned a hell of a lot in the process.

Your DD's situation is different as it involves other people's behaviour which you don't have control over, but honestly handling difficult people is a great life skill. I would suggest your DD moving in a tidy gf or bf for support! Sometimes a different dynamic with the messy one feeling more "exposed" does the trick.

I really don't think there's anything you can do. Your daughter is an adult. It's her tenancy, her living situation and her flatmate. It's not your issue to solve. I appreciate that you want to be supportive but this is a very standard problem that most adults in a flat share situation will face at some point in their lives, and really not something you should be getting involved in, any more than you would get involved if she had an annoying flatmate in her 30s or 40s. It's university, not boarding school.

It's not ableist to suggest that someone who is a) living in shared student accommodation, and b) who is not capable of looking after a cat or dealing with the cat's 'accidents', should not own a cat.