Very common I expect but he treats me like his mother!

[gameforalaugh]

I expect a few of you have husbands like this,my hubby is generally great,really hard working lovely daddy etc etc we have been together 7 years now and I have started to have an issue with how the relationship has become now that we have settled into it a bit.I feel somewhat to blame for his complacency because I have really done everything from the beginning of the relationship (domestically I mean) we have gone on to have 2 children with another due anyday and are generally very happy.I am now beginning to feel a bit like the stay at home wife he has a good career,he goes to the gym twice a week and has another hobby which he just about makes time for.I think it is very healthy for him to have interrest outside the home and support these hobbies completely but it has become a biot like, ask my opinion last because he assumes I will agree with what he is doing regardless of the children, he has stopped taking his plate to the kitchen, doesn't EVER make time to take me out for a meal or even a bloody walk!, I can't muster up the energy for a long chat about it, tried that the other night he just goes slilent and feels a bit offended as if I am ungrateful for all the hard work he does, my mum says it isn't his fault and that his mother has brought him up like this and she was happy to play that role so he has seen no different.I know what she means but I am NOT like this, I had a career, hobbies and a social life but have always let his come first because I feel guilty leaving him with the children in his minimal spare time off relaxing.I am not too worried about not getting a break it is more the example that this is setting to my children,I don't want them thinking that it is OK to be treated or treat someone in this way. How can I turn things around a bit, slowly,gradually and without making too big an issue about it all? Sorry it's long!

I hope you can turn things around gameforalaugh and then come back on here and give me some tips. My DH is exactly the same and for exactly the same reasons ie I didnt want to leave the DC with him because he had so little time off. The trouble is now that it has become as though he is doing me a huge favour whenever I do ask him to look after them while I go out not something that should just be run of the mill. Whereas it is automatically assumed that he can just do his own thing without asking. Also his Mum was a complete doormat and I know that he just assumes I will do whatever she used to do and I am sorry but I DONT FARKIN WANT TO THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

I dont have any advice for you because in our house these discussions always turn into big rows but I just wanted you to know I feel your pain.

However I do have the plate thing under control as he had started making himself food and leaving everything everywhere for me to clear up (like his Mum does), which just makes me want to cry with rage at the automatic assumption that doormat wife will come along and clean up. I just asked him "What do you think will happen to the butter/bread board/tomato ends/ etc, if you dont clean them up, have you really just left them for me to clean up like a maid or something?" and he stopped doing it after that.

Sorry for my rant but this a subject VERY close to my heart.

He has stopped seeing you as a person, and sees you in terms of the role you play in your household. Shake it up. If he doesn't want to babysit his own children, that's the worse case of 'tough shit' I ever heard. Go out with girlfriends once a month if you can, tell him you are taking a walk together / meal together, because you remember how nice it was when you were lovers, before you became boring old mum and dad. You arrange it, and tell him he's going. Come on girls, you've only got one life, don't sit there all sad. Change begins with you. Carpe diem!

I love your posts littlewoman

Why do you assume that spending time alone with his dc is something he would prefer not to do???

My dp really misses solo timewith his child and likes it when i disappear off and let him spend time with her.

Go and book yourself in for a manicure/facial or something this weekend, arrange to meet a friend for lunch or organise a babysitter so you can go out together. You don't need to go on about it or make a deal of it... just do it!!.

I think if you start doing this, your husband will change the way he might see you and realise you have a life too! He's not really going to complain if you keep doing everything around the house and it's also nice for Dads AND the dc to spend time on their own every now and then, which also will give you a break.

Do it this weekend...before the new baby arrives.

Thank you, timeforme. That's so nice of you. Agree with ddf and oydal. Let us know if you do anything girls

OK, might be a bit controvesial here but hopefully this is food for thought. I think you need to change the way you see yourself before you can expect him to change the way he sees you. Parenthood is a partnership, his day job during the day (at the moment) is to go out and earn the pennies, your day job (at the moment) is to care for the children. Both roles are as valid and as important as the other. Once you're both at home its your JOINT responsibility to care for the kids. I'm afraid I think its utter bollox that you have to give him time off to relax! While you allow yourself to feel that way he will take advantage - by which I mean you allow him to take advantage rather than he maliciously taking the mick. You really need to summon up the energy to talk about this, not in a confrontational way but rather in a 'this isn't really working and I need us to make some changes' way

In our house I'm the one who goes out to work (mostly) but I'd NEVER expect DH to give me TIME OFF FROM MY OWN KIDS!!!

I agree with Pheebe - to resolve this you both need to make some changes in your attitudes. It has taken 7 years to get to this position so don't think you can change things overnight. I'm not convinced that a "big discussion" will work either - men generally will get very defensive when approached like this and will view everything you say with a negative slant. I would start off small and gradually work on the issues that you have identified. You will need dh on board for some of the bigger stuff but I reckon it will be easier to handle one thing at a time. Good luck - at least you have decided to do something about it rather than waking up in 20 years time and wondering what happened.

Do as he does, don't ask permission, just pick a night when he will be at home and tell him that you are going out. Assume he is caring for the kids, don't arrange it IYSWIM.

He'll miss you and will begin to understand what it's like when HE's not there.