Tell me "Do I have a right to be upset" Ex and best friend

[ohwhyohwhyohwhy]

This is a very long story so want to keep it brief as possible.

I have an ex who is an ex for a reason which was totally amicable, we grew apart and nothing else and still remained best friends. We have kept in contact and there are no children involved. My DH accepts ex as part of my life and they get on really well.

Recently my best friend came and told me she and ex had started a relationship which is fine with me other than the fact that ex and I don't have the same relationship anymore. We are in regular contact but now when I phone he knows my news etc.. and it upsets me that I am not the one to tell him stuff that is important to me. My best friend is my best friend and obviously I talk to her every day but she seems to be passing on my news.

Ex and I have chatted about new relationship and he promises things won't change between us but they have and though I put on my happy, smily face with BF and have invited them over for dinner I feel hurt.

Ex is important to me because he has been there when the chips were down, has helped me through dark periods of my life and his family are still very much in my life.

For the record I am extremely happily married.

I don't want "me" being in the middle of my BF and ex which I'm not. I just want to have both in my life because of their importance but I am resenting BF being in more contact with my ex and him knowing what is going on my daily life which are things I want to tell him which was the way before this.

My ex and I were never to be but I still have a brotherly love for him.

Anyone else been in this situation?

Tell your friend although you are very happy for them would she mind if you tell her things not to pass them on to your ex/her bf cos you would like to do it yourself.

Thought of that but she is so chatty she would forget. In actual fact when I spoke to ex today I was surprised that she had spoken about something which was really nothing I would tell him at all so I guess I am more upset at him bringing up something which I would have never brought up with him in the first place. It was really a "why did she say that" and then led me on to thinking if "I" was being discussed much.

To be totally honest I am finding it all a bit awkward and am trying so hard to allow this relationship develop because I believe everyone deserves happiness. She offered to end the relationship if it "upset" me but I was obviously not going to stand in the way.

Didnt bother me until now

i think you should just say you'd rather she didn't discuss you with him cos it makes you feel uncomfortable him knowing stuff you wouldn't normally tell him?

I am wondering if it will last? Not all relationships do. Does it seem to have the makings of something permanent, because if it doesn't then you might only have to grit your teeth for a short while.

It sounds quite tricky. I'd be feeling weird about it in your position too, but then you've got to remember that if they do make a go of it properly, she will be closer to him then you are - think of it like you and your husband - you would share everything with him, right?

It'll become their most important relationship, with each other, and you won't be as close to either of them as they are to each other. It must be a sort of grieving for you as you will feel you've 'lost' two best friends to each other.

I'm sorry this has happened. Perhaps it might be temporary; perhaps t might be something you will get used to, and manage even to turn around into something really positive.

One things' for sure though if they do stick together - it will change the dynamics all round.
Give yourself some time apart from them both, to get your head around it and give all of you a chance to alter your way of communicating. I am sure they'll understand this.

When I saw the title I thought, oh, it's another 'I don't want him but I want to retain some sort of ownership of him - aka Nobody else can have him' and was all set to yell YABVU!

However, nobody should be repeating things you have told them that are supposed to be private. BUT having said that - people in a relationship do share things. I tell my husband stuff that people have told me, that I wouldn't dream of telling anyone else, but he doesn't count. So YABU to think that a couple won't share information, they will. So if there's anything you don't want ex to know, accept you can't tell friend. Or if you want him to know first, tell him first!

Finally though, you say you've moved on and he's moved on. So don't see yourself in the middle of their relationship, iyswim, see them as a couple and you as the mate. Over to one side.

i think reading between the lines a bit that you liked the idea he was so interested in you and your life( that is v unusual in an ex) and your dh being so accepting really you had it perfect.........i think as someone else suggested you have to see them as a couple and tell each of them things knowing they will tell each other.

what i find a bit odd is why hes so interested in you that hes listening to her tell him things you yourself wouldnt tell him.......maybe theres unfinished business?

ultimately the dynamics of your friendship have changed and a bloke whos been 'there' for you now has his allegiance to another woman and thats going to hurt a little.

I tell my bf loads about dh. And I tell dh about bf. Seems normal. If their relationship is 'normal', they will discuss you. Especially as they both care about you alot. I do not know how to get around this. I think it is the 'norm', I am afraid.

tbh and to go against the grain a bit i think you're being totally unreasonable. these are two people you care deeply about and surely you should be happy that they've formed a loving relationship, one you were never destined to have with your ex. you have your own relationship and you should know that you cannot dictate what partners say to each other/discuss. if you can't deal with their relationship it's your responsibility to back away. you have a husband and a relationship of your own, leave them to theirs.
i appreciate this sounds harsh and i'll likely get flamed but thats my opinion

have to say I agree with Pheebe. If you felt your privacy was being invaded I would feel more sympathetic - but you seem perfectly happy for the ex to know it all anyway, so it seems unfair to expect the two of them not to discuss things you are happy for them both to know.

I find your closeneess to your ex a little bit odd. I accept that people remain very close friends. But this seems just a little.......too ??????

"Ex is important to me because he has been there when the chips were down, has helped me through dark periods of my life and his family are still very much in my life."

Is your Ex more important to you than your dh ?

Would it upset you if you told your xh first, and he shared it with your bf? If not, do it that way round. You are used to having each of their loyalties to you, but now their loyalties are to each other and you feel a bit side-lined, perhaps?

Tell your ex some of your news, and your fried the rest. Sorted!

friend

Grit your teeth and bear it. You can't really do anything but that if you want to remain friends with them both.
To be honest, even if your issues with this are perfectly reasonable, by having any issues full stop you are going to make yourself look a bit...I dunno, a bit of a drama queen? This is their relationship. It will change yourrelationships with both of them a bit, yes, but you aren't really the main focus here. If I were you I'd say nothing, be happy for them and accept that you can't really dictate what your friends talk about when they're together (even if it's you!)

It's totally normal that if she is in a relationship with him, and they both know you, they will chat about you. They are partners and will share most things.

I understand why you're upset.

But I think littlelapin hit the nail on the head.

Your only other option is to do what fris says and tell her some of your news, and save some for him only. Then between them, when they talk, they'll know everything.

If I were you I wouldn't let this bother me too much. Focus that energy on your H and leave them to it.

"To be totally honest I am finding it all a bit awkward and am trying so hard to allow this relationship develop"

With the best will in the world - it's not your place to "allow" - or not - anything between the two of them. It's not your business.

They are both your friends, but things have changed - as they do. I think until such time as things change (they might split up etc), you should treat them as a unit, a couple, rather than individuals. Because they are a couple, and they are doing normal things that couples do.

I think it's unreasonable for you to not want your bf to tell her partner things simply because you want to tell him yourself. Seems a little bit childish if I'm honest.

Thanks all. Have taken all points on bored.

I think your feelngs are understandable. You're going to be a bit less close to either of them - and you wold probably feel a similar pang or two if either or both of them had fallen for someone else. ANy change in relationship status with anyone takes a bit of adjusting to.
Thing is, though your feelings are understandable, they are your problem and you mustn't make your feelings their problem. You'll feel better shortly, but vent on MN whenever you feel the need.