This is kind of a finance, love language, self-esteem vent all in one I’m afraid!
DH and I have two DCs, one with fairly challenging additional needs. DH is a hard worker and his earnings have increased significantly since we had our DCs, whereas I am in a part-time role and am in a much lower-paid sector. Neither of us feels particularly fulfilled in our jobs but we aren’t unhappy, and neither of us have particularly stressful or physical jobs. I try to make sure my time contribution (i.e working hours and household jobs) is roughly equal to that of DH and I regularly check in with him that we are both happy with the money I bring in, and the amount of tasks I do for the family.
DH absolutely pulls his weight at home and encourages me to take time out for myself, particularly due to how stressed I am due to the challenges of parenting our DC with additional needs and the impact on my own health. I do try to take time out to go for a run, but I will prioritise household jobs that need doing which means it often fall by the wayside. DH says to prioritise getting a run in as often as I need to and just do what I can at home. He takes this approach himself and I think this is totally fair.
I struggle with perfectionism and feeling that I am not good enough. In my head, I should be able to do it all: work full-time, bring in good money, keep fit, keep the house running and manage the needs of our DCs as well as being a fun, interesting person. DH says this is an impossible standard, and that I am my own worst enemy, and I do know that he is right. Nevertheless, since difficult teenage years I have been a huge people-pleaser and it’s basically a self-protective measure. I feel I have gone through life letting myself be everyone’s supportive cheerleading sidekick and not wanting to “take” too much. I feel that if I give to everybody and am the best friend/partner/colleague I can be then people will see I am a good person and won’t leave me or turn on me. In reality, this has not been the case and I find I am now angry and disappointed at people exploiting that. Whilst also recognising my own part in the problem as I have completely enabled people to take from me.
Like me, DH is a giver who has been taken advantage of in the past, including an ex who spent a lot of money and didn’t pull her weight. I am not like that, and he knows that, but I feel with my tendency to low self-esteem, black and white thinking and perfectionism I have bent over backwards to prove I am not a taker. DH encourages me to spend money and take time for myself. All our finances go into the same pot and we spend as we see fit. He has spent significantly more than me this year and feels a bit guilty. However, and to me this is quite key, DH has issues controlling his anger and when he does get angry he lashes out at me verbally, and the things he says are almost always to do with how much more money he makes, how I only work part time etc. Or he will bring up random slightly nice things I own as an example of how lucky I am. DH also doesn’t share my primary love language of words of affirmation. So whilst I make sure I acknowledge his hard work and how much I love him, pay him compliments etc, he is not someone who really does this. He does do a lot for me though as his love language, and I know he would do anything for me.
This all came up yesterday as he asked how he could feel justified in making another large purchase for his hobby in future and whether we ought to both allocate equal spending money, so that he could choose to save his for something. Particularly as I don’t spend as much, he would then feel justified that he wasn’t taking money I hadn’t also taken. However, where do you draw the line? As a woman who wears a bit of makeup and has hair cuts but no other beauty treatments, should that come out of my spending money? It’s money he isn’t spending on himself but I’m not spending big money and I don’t know why but I feel slightly miffed with the idea that it could be seen as a luxury for me. And clothes etc- do we do a wardrobe edit and make sure we start with the same amount before starting with monthly spending money?
As I raised in the argument, I feel that on the one hand DH encourages me to spend, but on the other hand if he gets angry he throws spending and his earnings in my face. He knows he does this and says it is something he hates about himself but that he just says the worst thing to hurt me in the heat of the moment and doesn’t mean it. I said that if I kept bringing up the same things to hurt him in the heat of the moment he would start to get paranoid! I worry that I will start spending more money and taking more time for myself like he tells me to, but that one day he will then throw it in my face as though I am a lady of leisure. I work so hard for our DCs and have a pretty thankless part-time job so there are no opportunities for me to get reward or recognition and being reminded of my lower earnings by DH can either make me feel bad about myself, or angry with him. Because when I’m having a good day I know I am clever, considerate and hardworking and I feel I do bring a lot to the table. I don’t really want to spend loads of money, what I want is regular verbal recognition that I am not just “good enough” but actually that I do a bloody good job for our family. And to never be made to feel that it is DH’s earnings that have paid for say a new pair of shoes, because we are a team.
I recognise that I can be a self-sabotaging martyr and he can be an asshole but we do love each other and we want to move forward and draw a line under this. We have always operated on trust and we don’t want to get into a tit for tat situation. We suggested having just "hobby/unnecessary spending" as a set amount going to each of us and keeping run of the mill clothes, toiletries etc separate. But then we got into what if one of us wanted a £100 pair of jeans. How much of that is just reasonable spending and how much should be topped up from the hobby fund? Any thoughts on how to draw a line under the existing situation and move forward are much appreciated!