Any advice?

[NewstartOct2024]

Recently split from 5 year relationship. Started well. Realised he was very set in his ways. Live apart, about an hour and quarter drive. Saw each other weekends unless he had a family thing, adult children, great dad. His previous relationship ended after almost 10 years and not moving in with her in same village.

Ours gradually disconnected. Tried chatting many times over the 5 years but he never really took on board any comments, just floated along the same way. Communication poor. Compartmentalised his life.

Anyway, here I am unhappy and lonely, although was lonely in relationship quite often. Advice appreciated. Feeling delicate so try to be kind. Feel a bit lost.

Hello! I'm sorry you're feeling a bit lost but I'm really glad to hear you've decided you're worth more than this very low effort man.

Now is the time to rest and rediscover YOU. Are there things you've wanted to do, but put off because you were making yourself available for him? This is s perfect time to do them. Go and see a film he wouldn't want to watch, redecorate your bedroom to please only you, cook a meal he doesn't like.

Give yourself time to feel sad, but also feel the boundless opportunities that are available for you now.

Get out and start enjoying your life. You only get one. Get together with friends. Go for drinks/coffee. Invite them round. Take an evening class and learn something new. Go on an adventure by taking a solo trip and make new friends along the way, take up a new hobby that provides the opportunity to meet new people. Meet up with family. Stop looking backwards and start looking forwards. Sit down with a new notebook and write down every single thing that you’re grateful for in your life. This can be anything from the food in your fridge to the sound of the birds chirping. Whatever you can think of that makes you feel grateful and positive. Write that all down. The objective to is become acutely aware of what you do have, rather than what you lack. When you do this, your attitude will change to a more positive one and you’ll attract more positive experiences. Sounds mad but it works. Shift your focus.

Thank you for replying.

I've been reading some of the relationship threads and will focus on sorting my home, finances and lifestyle. I need to lose some weight and get a bit fitter so going to try to write up a plan.

Thank you, I'll try this.

Unfortunately, I don't have many friends, weekends were always with him so over 5 years rarely saw friends.

I need to join groups of people looking for just friends for activities. No idea where to start though. There must be others locally in similar position.

Follow your interests. Google search for groups around your interests. Find out what local community projects are going on in your area that you can get involved with. Consider volunteering. Search social media for local events happening in your area. As I mentioned before, take an evening class. This could be anything from learning a new language to sewing or creative writing. Whatever interests you. It doesn’t have to be academic. It can just be an interest course. This is a great way to meet new people whilst learning something new and challenging yourself. This all builds positive self esteem and that will help to propel you forwards in a positive way. It can be done quite easily if you approach it with an open mind. Try to see this as an exciting time for you to broaden your horizons and have new experiences.

Thank you, much appreciated.

I’m in a weirdly similar situation and feeling and planning my life in the same way. Can only offer a handhold 👭.

Thank you, back at you.

Irs a weird situation but reading what I wrote back he is very selfish.

What's your story? Similar or different?

Very similar set up of the relationship that gone on for 3 years, driving, weekends. I’m actually smiling writing a reply: I could feel 2 or 3 very popular hot threads that recently come up here 😂. After loads of soul searching, I have decided that we were different people and I couldn’t tolerate some of the ways the person was, including tightness, righteousness and desperate need to have an upper hand. Interestingly, there was no obvious drama that made it difficult to maintain my decision of ending it, so I settled on the idea of us having different expectations from a relationship.

My attempts to address some issues were openly ignored and met with painfully defensive attitude. This resulted in growing resentment. I felt instantly lighter when this ended but it doesn’t mean that I don’t feel lonely.

Snap, in many ways. Tight, compartmentalised everything. Never told me anything. I felt a convenient person for the weekend. Never felt loved. Had some fun times but big things like Christmas were never spent with me, always with his adult children, dad and a couple of times his ex wife since she had nowhere to go. Strange set up. I attempted to talk about this many times but it never improved so I gradually felt more and more disconnected from him and more unhappy. I'm not perfect by any means but I did say why I was unhappy etc but he never listened so I assume he was happy with the situation as it was and things just continued on.

I know it's for the best but I'm very sad and lonely.

This advice covers all the necessary and that is what I am doing slowly but surely.

I also invested in looking why I let it go on for 3 years, because the red flags had been there from the very beginning.

It might be worth reading this book as I’d imagine there will be an element of self esteem that allowed you to accept it for as long as you did. At least you had the guts to do something about it now. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

archive.org/details/TheSixPillarsOfSelfEsteem_201811/page/n8/mode/1up?view=theater