Hello, i need some advice, I am a 40 year old male
My story has 2 women involved A. my partner of 18 years, and B. coworker/friend of 5 years
I should say that my relationship with A. has been good, and we’ve been through a lot together, even-though there were intimacy and connection issues among others that would all come out by the end of this story (needs were not being met)
About 6 years ago my partner A. developed a drinking problem, when she would get drunk things would get very uncomfortable, irrational and really mean and hostile towards me. I would define it as emotional/mental/verbal alcoholic abuse. Although the events weren’t overly frequent, they made me feel horrible and confused, unwisely I bottled it up and began to pull away emotionally. The last year has been particularly tough. The drinking increased and was getting worse At this point I began standing up for myself and calling it out, I even offered support to get her help, but it continued. I was falling into a dark place. When things were at their worst I connected with B. a friend/coworker, who i have always had a great friendship with (we have had great friendship chemistry since the first day we met) I started developing feelings for her because of her kindness, humour, and understanding towards my feelings. I will admit i totally had an emotional affair with her. At this point my partner A. and I are “separated” sleeping in different rooms arguing occasionally and having peaceful conversations. A. began going to AA and i had admitted my feeling for B. (that didn’t go well) we also began seeing a couples therapist. I was told to block out B. while I dealt with my relationship with A. And although I tried, the texts and jokes at work continued on and off. My partner A. also re-lapsed a few times (due to my affair and lying) and the consequences of the relapses were getting worse. From threatening violence to the most recent one where she got a DUI and totalled her car. All this made my feeling for B. feel more real. So here we are today, my partner A. and i have decided to split up and she will buy me out of our condo that we own together, living together is destroying both of ours mental health. The hard thing is that I still have love for my partner A. even though I don’t feel in love with her anymore because 6 years of abuse broke me. We have agreed to end the relationship on friendly terms and continue our friendship (because honestly our relationship has felt like a friendship for a long time) i have offered my help and support on her path to sobriety, but I also worry about her and the financial and emotional struggles she has ahead. I know she still loves me, but also knows the relationship is broken. And i honestly can’t fight my feeling for B. because something about her seems so right and makes me feel happy and good about myself. And we have talked about it, the feelings are mutual, and it just feels like the universe is trying to push us together.
Im not really sure what kind of advice I’m looking for, or maybe just some insight. Im having a really hard time with my feelings of parting ways with a partner A. who is and will be struggling, for years to come. Leaving a place that has been home for 15 years, feeling like im taking a step back in life by going back to renting and the potential of living with regret.
To finish off my partner A. isn’t a bad person, she just made bad decisions. Im also very well aware that starting a new relationship right away is a bad idea, and i need time to myself to allow the healing process.
Thanks for Listening.