Hi All, just after someone’s thoughts/advice as I feel so overwhelmed atm! Sorry if it’s a bit of a waffle just will put as much background as I can! I’ve been with my husband 11 years, married for two and have two children - one is recent at 3 months old. Now our relationship has never been plain sailing, we got together young - I was career driven and had moved 100s of miles from my home for my job at 18 so was on my own. I come from a real close knit small family. He’s from very messy separated family (who are extremely toxic) and was the typical lad and everything fell on his plate so hardly worked for anything. Friends were be all and end all and he would often turn up drunk/hungover/cancel plans for friends. I tolerated as I loved him and he was a different person when not with them and used to shower me with gifts and affection. (Now looking back it was probably to keep me sweet) this I’ll glaze over but his mother is just an awful human being, very demanding, aggressive and just not a nice person so straight away disliked me as I was never good enough for her son (even though she left him at 2 years old for another man and only came back into his life when he was 8…). His father is very pessimistic due to his relationship breakdown so always told him not to get married or have a family as it’ll end in heartbreak ect. He’s never had any guidance or what I would call a proper family bond. They were never there for him and were always so negative or made him feel guilty for not visiting ect. Whereas my family will literally do anything for me. Fast forward 4 years we relocate for his job and move in, everything was plain sailing but still had the family issues and going out drinking a lot but it was better as we were away from them. We buy a house, get new jobs and life is looking up. I fall pregnant with my first which was so unplanned but we navigated it through covid and was honestly for us the best couple of years we had. He then got offered a new job so we relocate again and get our dream home, in a lovely town but were further away from my family and a bit closer to his. The house needed fully renovating and my dad was so hands on and would help most weekends. It was great, they would work on the house and then go out in the evening, it was summer so we were outside all day, we got married and life was perfect. Then a switch flipped, he suddenly decided that his family were more important, basically told my dad to F off in a very heated ‘talk’ and that he was no longer needed and because they were coming up to stay most weekends it was stopping his family visit, this was without my knowlege on my mums 60th bday! Also his family literally never asked about coming to see the new home! It took 2 years before they even visited and completely criticised our home and the work my dad did. So of course my dad was heartbroken & pulled away and has now put a strain on our relationship as who do I choose? My opinionated arsehole of a husband or my poor dad that’s done nothing wrong! Cracks start to show and we’re arguing most days, my little girl goes into nursery so I start a new job and he hated that I started to get a life back, made friends and was getting attention from male coworkers even though I shut it down. we decided we wanted baby number 2. Sex is pretty much just to conceive and over and done with. I fall pregnant with my second and it’s been hell. He showed no interest in the pregnancy and I had an awful one, moaned when I took time off work and reduced my hours. The day I went into labour he was more interested about building a bed then getting me to hosp so had to call my parents to come up and help with my 4 year old. The whole time we were in hosp it was an inconvenience and left as soon as he could, I had a traumatic birth and both my son and I nearly didn’t make it and he didn’t even bat an eyelid. I was hooked up to all sorts the next day and he was complaining about how tired he was & that he wanted to get home! We go home after 3 days and he basically used his 2 weeks off as his time to chill, I’m newly postpartum trying to figure our life with a newborn and 4 year old who’s just started school and he’s literally doing nothing. I never had my newborn bubble as he took that from me being so lazy! I felt he affected my breastfeeding journey because I had such a traumatic birth I didn’t have time to recover which affected my BF as I never got a chance to persevere with it as I had to sort my little girl out or do something in the house. He’s shown no interest in his son, he works long hours and I’m sure he does extra not to come home. Doesn’t lift a finger in the house, I do both the morning and bedtime with the kids and also all night feeds. And yesterday he started asking me about when I was going back to work as we need money….my son is 3 months old!! I do intend to go back but on reduced hours but i think it’s so out of order to ask me that as I know full well I’ll still continue to balance the house, kids and work as well whilst he does nothing. On top of this I no longer find him attractive, we haven’t had sex or any intimate relationship since my son was conceived over a year ago. We have tried to do family things this week for half term…all that I have planned and him no effort. And it felt so forced and fake. He’s constantly moaning and shouting at the kids and as if this whole life is not for him. I do remember being 3 days postpartum and asking him what was wrong and he said ‘I just want a night out with my mates - just sick of this life atm’ when we had this gorgeous little baby! I have looked into separation and have spoken to a few people and counselling as I thought I had PND (which I don’t) and they have all advised to look into having time apart. I just don’t want to have a split home but also can’t live with someone who I don’t think I’m in love with anymore just for the kids. I deserve love and to be treated properly too. I have outright asked him what he wants and he keeps saying he loves his kids ect but I just can’t see it!
sorry for the long winded post but has anyone been through falling out of love/not wanting marriage after baby? Or have separated and can give me some advice? I just feel everything is so fake. I’ve made some mum friends in the area recently and they were all talking about their husbands and how we should all meet up and I’m going along with it yet inside want to scream that I’m so unhappy and dont want to be with mine!